Realisation that I'll properly never have kids

rocketqueen

Just needed to get some stuff off my chest and moan for a bit.

Me and my husband split up just over 2 years ago now, it's been a rough time but I'm 100% happier now apart from one thing....

Before we split up we had been ttc for several years, with no success at all.

Obviously when we split I had other things to think about and the longing for a baby was kind of put on the back burner, as it obviously wasn't going to happen at that time.

It sounds stupid but in the last couple of days reality has kind of hit me that the chances are it'll never happen for me now as I'm nearly 38 and have worsening PCOS too. I think to add insult to injury my ex has gone on to have a child with his new partner and that's possibly why I'm suddenly feeling this way.

It's the one thing I always wanted and I just don't see it becoming a reality for me now with the fertility issues I have.

Any advice on how I accept its properly not meant to be?

PinkPeach

Have you ever thought about fertility treatment so that you could raise a child on your own? (I realise it's a massive thing to consider but could be an option). I have PCOS as well and although I had to have fertility treatment the condition wouldn't necessarily stop you from being able to have children - with PCOS your body doesn't release an egg each cycle but the eggs are still there inside. I don't know your situation but surrogacy and adoption are also alternatives.


If it's want you want deep down, you don't necessarily need to give up hope and accept things for how you think they are.

codemonkey

Realising that you won't have kids is a grieving process made worse by the fact that nobody recognises it as such and it takes time.

DH and I found out we'll never have children 2 or 3 years ago and I still feel sad. Usually to make myself feel better, I remind myself of the negatives of being a parent. 'At least I don't have to pay £50 a day for nursery/deal with a crying infant in the middle of the night or when I've had a tough day/watch Peppa Pig endlessly/deal with supermarket meltdowns/pay term-time holiday prices' - that kind of thing. Also, it took a bit of time before I was mentally able to, but I borrow my friend's kids and do kid stuff. I get to be the cool auntie and kids are even more awesome when you get to return them.

In the meantime, if you don't feel like seeing pregnant friends/friends with children, don't, but it might be an idea to let them know why so they understand and don't think you've just dropped them. Be gentle on yourself.

It's not what I'd have chosen and deep down, if I could change it, I would but you can spend the rest of your life feeling sad and bitter about it, or you can work to accept it and enjoy the positives of a child free lifestyle.

Like others have said, it's not definitively over for you yet, but if it turns out not to be, there arw plenty of us who know how you feel.

Person_one

Its good to hear from you rocketqueen, I remember your old threads and I'm really pleased to hear that you're feeling happier.

I'm sorry that its looking like you won't have children. I'm going to assume that you've thought about every possible course of action and won't patronise you by suggesting options.

I think its completely natural to feel real sadness and loss for the life that you had expected to have and the children you had expected to raise. I wonder if there are any support groups either in real life or online because a surprisingly high number of women go through this for one reason or another.

Did you ever have any counselling after leaving your ex and the terrible time he put you through?

Prothet_of_Doom

Do you know anyone, who has actually chosen NOT to have kids.

I once sat next to a bloke at work who was my age, and he and his wife had decided that the world was overpopulated enough, and they didn't need that sort of commitment.
My wife and I have 2 kids (now grown up) and whilst I would never change my life, and do things differently, I could see that they had a lot less stress and had a lot more disposable income, and had very full lives.
He did spend quite a bit of time with nephews and nieces as "You can give them back at the end of the weekend"
My sister on the other hand has reached the age of 51, and has never meet that significant other, who would help her fulfill her dream.
The difference between these 2 people is that my sister spent the last 20 years resenting us and our kids, because we had something she was desperate for, and she's therefore never bonded with them, where as my work colleague, takes his brother's kids camping and mountain biking, and takes an interest in them as people.
And then there's my sister in law. 4 kids, one highly intelligent and highly aspergers, one with various teenage mental health issues, now with chronic health issues, one autistic and ADHD, and one is an estate agent. How hard must life be? Not how she imagined life would be, but I suspect he'll get a better career one day.

So my point is this. Not having children means your life will be different from how you expected it to be, but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable about it. You need to make the best of what you have today, and not look back at what could have been.

justme111

Hugs. It is grieving . Funny how some people chose not to have children and live their life happily , it is regretful that if one wants children one can not just switch into the mode those people are in naturally. . I suppose a lot of stuff that children bring is possible with other people's children. Fulfilment of experiencing stuff , play , teaching , knowing you made a difference to one's life. Would not be the same as your own ,still better than nothing and may be far better ..
By the way my friend just had a child , she is 42
Sometimes people can not conceive together because it is not meant to be and then both parts of the couple have children with new partners.
Wishing you happiness, hugs again:heartsmil

Green_hopeful

I really feel for you. It's a loss to grieve. I have been there and it still smarts at times. Splitting up challenged how I felt about lots of things and realising I would not be able to have kids really hurt. I hope you feel easier about it with time.

sillyvixen

It is a grieving process - I never wanted children, and always knew it. But following serious abdominal surgery I developed a large incisions hernia (imagine half a water melon under your skin) when I was referred for corrective surgery I was asked if I had children and warned not to get pregnant as I would not be able to carry a child and would put my life at serious risk.

I cried for days .. not having children was a choice .. I still wanted the right to have them.

My thoughts are with those who want children but can't have them (for whatever reason) that has to be infinitely worse!,

Jagraf

My husband is my daughters stepdad. We are both late forties now and he will never have biological children. He sees that as being given room in his life to raise 'my' (our) daughter, who is now nearly an adult.

she needed a dad, he needed a child to care for and they are a match made in heaven.

You never know what's round the corner.

PS you are only 38 xx

sweetilemon

I wouldn't write it off at 38 tbh. There are plenty of options and still time to meet someone and do IVF. I know people with children who have PCOS.

I am in a slightly different situation that I've just lost my 4week baby and I am not sure my OH will agree to trying again (in the fear of another loss). I was not only grieving for my baby but grieving for not ever being a mummy with a baby to raise. I am still very much grieving but I was given some good pieces of advice about not being able to raise my child. Do something with your life - try to enjoy and appreciate what you have, don't let what you don't have dictate and waste your life. Don't try to predict the future - yes, living without a child of your own may be a possibility but it might not be the case, you never know what's around the corner.

DinkyLass

Hi there


I have a long history of battling with infertility, having also been diagnosed with PCOS. I've had surgery, drugs, miscarriages...it even destroyed my first marriage. I then met my second Husband and told him from the start that if he wanted kids he'd have to be with someone else. We did try for a while but discovered that he had a low sperm count and we were about to embark on IVF...then something happened and I had a realisation that I'd lost sight of the reason why I ever wanted a child in the first place!


I had a wonderful new relationship, a man I adored and for the first time in ages I felt fulfilled. We had a long hard think about things and decided to put the IVF on hold for a while to get our heads around it. It was hard for me, having to let go of that image of being a mother but I knew deep down it was the right choice. I can honestly say that sitting in our consultants office and telling him that we'd had a change of heart about the IVF was the most liberating thing I've ever done! I came out of there feeling like a weight had been lifted and I was so excited to finally start living again!


That was 6 years ago now and we openly label ourselves as happily childfree! I've had a few 'what if' moments but they never last, and we have never regretted our decision. A few people thought we'd change our minds and I even got called selfish and was told I'd die alone in a cold nursing home with no-one to remember me!


So my advice is, take plenty of time to get your head around what your life might look like without kids, but always remember that a childfree life can be happy and fulfilling if you want it to be!