concerned grandparent - advice welcome

gorgeouscrystal

Hi All

I am really concerned about two of my grandchildren aged 9 and 7 who live with my daughter and her boyfriend and their half brother aged 19 months. My relationship with her bf has never been on good terms. Much as I try to restrain myself, from saying anything to him, I do not always succeed. He is physically and emotionally abusive to her and the older two who are not his. My daughter is deaf and was abused by her father and does not see that his behaviour is abusive. They met at a time when things had become very strained between my d and myself as my d had turned to drugs and I as her career was looking after the children virtually full time I was very concerned about the children and had no real support. Then one morning I had arrived at her house to take the children to school and she physically attacked me in front of the children. I managed to get my grandson, who was extremely upset, to come with me and not knowing what else to do I took him to school early as a result the school informed Social Care to which I agreed. However as my daughter was going to the school later that morning when she arrived they told her that they had informed social care because of what I had told them. As a result of this my daughter stopped me from having any contact with the children also told the school that I could no longer be the emergency contact or collect the children or volunteer in the children's class as I had being do. So needless to say her new boyfriend continually brings up the fact that I tried to get her children taken away from her at every opportunity.

My grand daughter age 7 will tell me about the abusive things that are happening but I am reluctant to disclose this to Social care in case I am prevented from seeing them again. I repeatedly ask her to tell someone at school but she is too afraid to. She believes that they will not believe her.

On Monday my dbf's brother jumped in front of a bus and is currently in a coma. Last year he had moved to a house near them and visits most days so the children have had a lot of contact with him in the last few months. They are both obviously upset and I am well aware that neither my daughter or her bf have the ability to support the children through this very difficult time for everyone concerned. As I have the children overnight on a Wednesday it was very clear that the children were disturbed by this event my gs first statement when he arrived was " They could have cleaned up the blood" and my gd wet the bed. I had briefly spoken to her about what had happened and when I asked her had Mummy told her she said no she had heard J's mum speaking to him on the phone while she got her breakfast.

So this morning when I took them to school I spoke to the family liaison teacher saying that the children had been affected by this event. I was stunned when she told me that they didn't have parental responsibility to support the children and that she could ring the bf to see if they could offer support to the children and then added that she speak to the head and see what she said. I was so shocked by this response that all I could say was ok. He doesn't have parental responsibility as he is not the children's biological father.

I really don't know where else to turn to get the children they need.

Torry_Quine

If you feel the children are at risk then you can contact social services.

Person_one

Your granddaughter has told you she is being abused and you've done nothing about it? Tell social services, immediately.

kingfisherblue

gorgeouscrystal wrote: »

Hi All

I am really concerned about two of my grandchildren aged 9 and 7 who live with my daughter and her boyfriend and their half brother aged 19 months. My relationship with her bf has never been on good terms. Much as I try to restrain myself, from saying anything to him, I do not always succeed. He is physically and emotionally abusive to her and the older two who are not his. My daughter is deaf and was abused by her father and does not see that his behaviour is abusive. They met at a time when things had become very strained between my d and myself as my d had turned to drugs and I as her career was looking after the children virtually full time I was very concerned about the children and had no real support. Then one morning I had arrived at her house to take the children to school and she physically attacked me in front of the children. I managed to get my grandson, who was extremely upset, to come with me and not knowing what else to do I took him to school early as a result the school informed Social Care to which I agreed. However as my daughter was going to the school later that morning when she arrived they told her that they had informed social care because of what I had told them. As a result of this my daughter stopped me from having any contact with the children also told the school that I could no longer be the emergency contact or collect the children or volunteer in the children's class as I had being do. So needless to say her new boyfriend continually brings up the fact that I tried to get her children taken away from her at every opportunity.

My grand daughter age 7 will tell me about the abusive things that are happening but I am reluctant to disclose this to Social care in case I am prevented from seeing them again. I repeatedly ask her to tell someone at school but she is too afraid to. She believes that they will not believe her.

On Monday my dbf's brother jumped in front of a bus and is currently in a coma. Last year he had moved to a house near them and visits most days so the children have had a lot of contact with him in the last few months. They are both obviously upset and I am well aware that neither my daughter or her bf have the ability to support the children through this very difficult time for everyone concerned. As I have the children overnight on a Wednesday it was very clear that the children were disturbed by this event my gs first statement when he arrived was " They could have cleaned up the blood" and my gd wet the bed. I had briefly spoken to her about what had happened and when I asked her had Mummy told her she said no she had heard J's mum speaking to him on the phone while she got her breakfast.

So this morning when I took them to school I spoke to the family liaison teacher saying that the children had been affected by this event. I was stunned when she told me that they didn't have parental responsibility to support the children and that she could ring the bf to see if they could offer support to the children and then added that she speak to the head and see what she said. I was so shocked by this response that all I could say was ok. He doesn't have parental responsibility as he is not the children's biological father.

I really don't know where else to turn to get the children they need.

You obviously love your grandchildren, but you are allowing the abuse of your granddaughter to continue by not repoing it. She is only seven, and has told someone she trusts - you. It's your responsibility to inform Social Services.

SS will be able to help with the children's worry and concerns over the chap in the coma too.

I am surprised that the school have not raised their own concerns with SS if things are so bad.

GwylimT

To be honest this is why I think it should be an offence not to report incidents of abuse. If my choices were seeing my grand children when I wanted, or helping to end their abuse, I know wihout a doubt which one I would pick.

Your daughter is doing what she believes to be normal, people like your daughter often abuse themselves as they are taught this is a part of life, when people aren't supported adequately it can be very hard to break the cycle.

FreddieFrugal

gorgeouscrystal wrote: »

My grand daughter age 7 will tell me about the abusive things that are happening but I am reluctant to disclose this to Social care in case I am prevented from seeing them again. I repeatedly ask her to tell someone at school but she is too afraid to. She believes that they will not believe her.

I understand your concern but you must report this information to Social Services.

And don't be surprised by the lack of action by the school. Most schools would be really hot on something like this and would have strict procedures in place.

However I personally know of a school where a teacher reported that a mother had punched her child in the face that very morning. But the staff she reported it to said something along the lines of "we can't report it, what if they take the children off her".

Which is of course a completely dangerous and also uninformed response. Social Services first steps would be to offer support to struggling parents so that the children have the best chance of staying with them, but safely.

It's deeply concerning that such an attitude would be found in a school! Clearly not prioritising the well being of the child. But the teacher did press on with it regardless and kept pushing until something was done.

Never ever assume that someone must know better than you because of where they work or their position. They have not witnessed what you have and they may not give the situation the priority that it deserves. If you have a genuine concern then you should report it.

gorgeouscrystal

Thank you for your advice SS have been informed and followed it up before the Easter holidays but the children are still too frightened to say anything especially as the emotional abuse involves them for being continually blamed for things that are not their fault. I did speak to the SW for the case as I was aware of a complaint having made by someone I had given permission to do so on my behalf.

The reaction I received from the bf on the day that SS visited them was one of total aggression that someone had told them and protests of his total innocence.

I find it very difficult to be confronted by total aggression when I am aware that even indirectly I have instigated the complaint. However due to confidentiality I am not informed as to what is happening.

Morglin

You could also try contacting the NSPCC - they are generally very good at giving advice.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/nspcc-helpline/

I would keep at it - your grandchildren sound as though they need someone to speak out for them.

Lin

tea_lover

Do the older children have any contact with their father? Does he have PR?

gorgeouscrystal

No he has no contact with them

System

gorgeouscrystal wrote: »

I find it very difficult to be confronted by total aggression when I am aware that even indirectly I have instigated the complaint. However due to confidentiality I am not informed as to what is happening.

Understandable, but if you find it difficult to face him, think what it must be like for a 7 and a 9 year old child. They can't just remove themselves from the situation, - an adult can.