concerned grandparent - advice welcome

Cheeky_Monkey

My grand daughter age 7 will tell me about the abusive things that are happening but I am reluctant to disclose this to Social care in case I am prevented from seeing them again. [/QUOTE]

So you are putting yourself before the welfare of your 'much loved' grandchildren then are you?

TBagpuss

It is incredibly hard, but I think that you do need to keep informing social services each and evey time anything is diclosed to you.

Try to give thrm as much information as possible - e.g. specifically telling them that you encouraged your GD to speak to her tacher, that the children are scared as they are often blamed for things which are not their fault etc.

I'd also suggest speaking to the school again, perhaps direct to the head.

Do you think it would help your grandchildren to be able to speak to someone ? Would it be possible for you to faciliate them to call child line or the NSPCC when theyare with you?

Depending on the nature of the abusive behaviour you could also report it directly to the police, if you are aware of any physical abuse in particular.

it is an increidbly dificult situation but PersonOne is right - your granddaughter did what children are supposed to do, she told an adult whom she trusts what is happening to her. You ne to report any new incidnents. Although social services cannot disclose confidentuial information to you you can ask them for general advice about what you can, or should, do.

And keep encouraging your daughter to tell other people.

Iagree wit hthe suggestion to speak to the NSPCC - thy may be able to suggest some resources which might help your gradchildren to be able to talk about what is happening to them

burnsguitarman

The school. will have a dedicated person responsible for safeguarding, ask to speak to this person, they have a legal duty to investigate.

ecgirl07

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

So you are putting yourself before the welfare of your 'much loved' grandchildren then are you?

No, they are probably being more realistic that in such a situation there is no magic overnight solution and think maintaining contact with the grandkids is the best they could do.

Social investigate deem nothing wrong, kids continue to live in household and dont get to see grandparents? Kids are worse off. Not to metion daughter still caught in a cycle of abuse.

This forum sees the world work perfectly when in reality this is a hopeless situation to be in.

missbiggles1

ecgirl07 wrote: »

No, they are probably being more realistic that in such a situation there is no magic overnight solution and think maintaining contact with the grandkids is the best they could do.

Social investigate deem nothing wrong, kids continue to live in household and dont get to see grandparents? Kids are worse off. Not to metion daughter still caught in a cycle of abuse.

This forum sees the world work perfectly when in reality this is a hopeless situation to be in.

It may not be a magical solution but taking children into care if they're at risk can happen quite quickly.

Nicki

It is interesting that your daughter was abused by her father and that the pattern is now repeating with her children being abused by their (step)father. Do you think your reluctance to report to SS could be because you identify too much with her position in all of this, which is presumably exactly the position you were in when she was young?

If the children are not in immediate danger, is this a situation where some family therapy could help - initially between you and your daughter where you both resolve your feelings about what happened and was allowed to happen to her as a child and then quickly on to making her see that she is repeating the pattern of her own childhood with her own children?

If the initial approach was made in this way, she could come to kick the boyfriend out, and the children would then be protected from him and you and your daughter would also be on a stronger footing when similar issues arise in the past.

Obviously if the children are in imminent physical danger or the emotional abuse is excessive this would not be appropriate but presumably if either of those were the case you wouldn't be so ambivalent about reporting to SS

gorgeouscrystal

Cheeky_Monkey wrote: »

My grand daughter age 7 will tell me about the abusive things that are happening but I am reluctant to disclose this to Social care in case I am prevented from seeing them again.

So you are putting yourself before the welfare of your 'much loved' grandchildren then are you?[/QUOTE]

In answer to your question no I am not putting myself before my grandchildren if I am prevented from seeing them this will leave them with no one that they feel safe to turn to.

In reality i would be putting myself first if I wasn't able to see them as at present I only get to see them when I am the one doing all the caring for them by myself i.e taking them to cubs, school, doctors, dentist etc and doing their homework with them.

Much as I love them I don't get the ideal time to spend with them but the stressful situations.

missbiggles1

gorgeouscrystal wrote: »

So you are putting yourself before the welfare of your 'much loved' grandchildren then are you?

In answer to your question no I am not putting myself before my grandchildren if I am prevented from seeing them this will leave them with no one that they feel safe to turn to.

In reality i would be putting myself first if I wasn't able to see them as at present I only get to see them when I am the one doing all the caring for them by myself i.e taking them to cubs, school, doctors, dentist etc and doing their homework with them.

Much as I love them I don't get the ideal time to spend with them but the stressful situations.[/QUOTE]

But there's no point in their turning to you if you don't do something to improve their situation. They won't feel safe if nothing changes, you'll just be yet another adult who's betrayed their trust, I'm afraid.

I also don't understand the last point you're making - surely "taking them to cubs, school, doctors, dentist etc and doing their homework with them" is just normal (grand) parental care - why do you find this stressful?

Andypandyboy

They are turning to you for help, and for the best of reasons you are not helping. What if (and I don't want to spell it out) it turned really serious? How would you feel then?

I imagine the stress levels in the house (given what has happened to the brother) are high, it could tip the balance in an already volatile situation.

You need to find the strength to act, I really hope you do.

HurdyGurdy

Young, vulnerable children are confiding in you, and you must, absolutely MUST, act on that information.

You should call children's services again, and again, and again, and again. Every time that your grandchildren tell you something, you should be straight on the phone to children's services.

You could call NSPCC if you are afraid of repercussions of reporting the situation directly yourself. However, they will refer to children's services anyway, so you might just as well cut out the middleman and go to CS. This at least saves a little bit of time, and that could be vital time.

I am really surprised that school aren't doing anything. As said above, school will have a safeguarding lead (may be the head teacher or another designated member of staff) and if they become aware of any abuse to a child, no matter how they come by that information, then they have a duty to report those concerns to children's services.

You don't say the nature of the abuse - emotional or physical - but that is really neither here nor there. Any abuse needs to be investigated. So please keep on at school. They should be able to talk to the children in such a way that they can get more information from the children and as soon as the child discloses anything, they should be referring to CS. The fact that you grand-daughter has told you that she is too afraid to speak to a teacher means that she more than ever needs an adult to speak up for her and protect her.

You also say that one day you arrived at the home to take the children to school and your daughter attacked you. Why was this? Why did she turn on you?

Your daughter sounds like she need some support too. If she sees her relationship as "normal", then she could benefit from doing The Freedom Programme (I think this is available all over the country). Due to your daughter's disability, the children are even more vulnerable, as your daughter, being deaf, can't hear things that are going on in other rooms. This makes it all the more important that you report your concerns. And if they are not acted upon, you need to escalate this up the chain.

Those poor children need protecting