Feeling low about daughter

Savvy_Sue

teabag29 wrote: »

I feel like such a failure, seems as though she has no feelings for me at all and I don't understand why

I'm just going to comment on this bit.

Some people just don't have that bit of wiring in their brain. It's not there. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, or failed. Whatever you did, you could never replace that missing bit of wiring. But that's not your fault.

Feral_Moon

picklekin wrote: »

I'm sorry things are hard for you atm, and it must be hard feeling your daughter doesn't want the contact you want.

I'm a bit confused though, you say your daughter is 17, why does she need foster care or any care? I lived on my own when I was 17, it was a bit fiddly with certain things which you needed to be 18 for, but as far I was aware it was all legal. Perhaps the law has changed since I was young or I'm missing something.

I probably wasn't the best at phoning home when I moved out either, there was so many exciting things to do in the world now I was able to. My relationship with my mother when I left was not good, but we did (slowly) rebuild our relationship (I used to walk to the payphone once a week, but mobile phones will make that SO much easier!), although it never really parental, more friends. Just be there for her when she needs you.

I'm also confused regarding her need for foster care at age 17. Like you, I left home at the age of 16 and lived independently in a completely different part of the country. I was working and rented a room in a shared house. No problem.

System

Feral_Moon wrote: »

I'm also confused regarding her need for foster care at age 17. Like you, I left home at the age of 16 and lived independently in a completely different part of the country. I was working and rented a room in a shared house. No problem.

The OP's daughter has complex emotional and behavioral needs, hence why she's classed as vunerable and needs the extra help, recommend reading the previous thread as it explains in more detail than i can

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5447532

(OP if you dont want me to link will delete just felt it might help people understand with more info)

[Deleted User]

Teabag, sorry about the situation you are in, it sounds like a nightmare. You have so many demands and aren't well yourself which must be so frustrating.

I agree with others on here who have read all the threads, at least your daughter is now starting to be seen as in need of outside care.

They won't go whole heartedly for this as its expensive and hard to find until they have no choice. But I suspect your daughters behaviour will show how demanding she is, unfortunately. There is only so much you can do and I think you have tried what you can be expected to do.., more. That the situation has ended up like this isn't your fault.

I'm afraid the system of care in this country has many faults due to unqualified staff (medical and social), staff shortages and funding problems. I have been in similar situations (not the same) and seen how parents can be coerced or blamed because social workers also don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this sounds overly cynical but its been my experience.

Just take it day by day. I know you miss your daughter, you love her regardless but lets hope she finally gets the care she needs. Even if she doesn't, remember, she isn't totally incapable.., she is able to make decisions about her behaviour. She isn't totally blameless.., don't beat yourself up as well. Give all of you a chance to recover from the stress and take a good long deep breath. Don't worry about what could happen, hope that it won't (important distinction). And take a step back for now.

Sending hugs x x x

teabag29

Thankyou everyone for your kind words. I still havent heard from the social worker since last friday when she collected my daughters clothes, all i know is what my daughter has told me and that is that they are looking for a 1-1 foster carer, i.e. no men in the house just a lady. I think that's a good idea seen as my daughter is showing very sexualised behavior and prone to making up allegations.

She didn't ring yesterday as she promised but i'm trying not to dwell on things and we are planning to do something as a family with the other children this weekend which will be nice.

I know the situation is for the best but i do miss her terribly, I start to feel better and then she rings telling me what a good time shes having and how she doesn't need me anymore and will ring once in a while and then i feel rubbish again. I guess it will ease in time, but for now im going to spend some quality time with my other children.
One good thing to come out of this is that the bond with my other daughter (13) is getting stronger by the day

System

Relationships between Mothers and daughters are complex. I really only believe that Mothers arent truly appreciated until you leave home (thats providing you had a good Mother of course).

I dont think my youngest daughter appreciated me until she had a child of her own. Up until then, she knew everything.:rotfl:

whitewing

You're not a failure - you're a mum with the kind heart and imperfections that we all have. This break will do everybody the world of good. A great foster parent will help her to appreciate and cherish her family, but it may take a little while to untangle her feelings and thoughts.

System

teabag29 wrote: »

I know the situation is for the best but i do miss her terribly, I start to feel better and then she rings telling me what a good time shes having and how she doesn't need me anymore and will ring once in a while and then i feel rubbish again.

This is an abusive relationship. It happens to be mother and daughter (rather than girlfriend and boyfriend) but the pattern is the same. The abused 'needs' the abuser's approval. I would suggest you get some counselling for yourself.

tealady

Teabag I would take what your daughter says with a pinch of salt. Why does she need to tell you what a good time she is having? It could be just to provoke a reaction so I would just suggest you respond with "That's good" and refuse to be drawn any further.
It may be hard but your other children need you and far more importantly YOU are entitled to have a life. Your daughter is nealy an adult, it may be she needs to realise that adults have to take responsibility for their own actions (and accept the consequences)

pigpen

Judi wrote: »

Relationships between Mothers and daughters are complex. I really only believe that Mothers arent truly appreciated until you leave home (thats providing you had a good Mother of course).

I dont think my youngest appreciated me until she had a child of her own. Up until then, she knew everything.:rotfl:

Sons too!!

Both of my oldest who have left home have said those exact words to me and both have apologised for being a$$hole teens .. DD1 wasn't really that bad!

teabag29 wrote: »

I know the situation is for the best but i do miss her terribly, I start to feel better and then she rings telling me what a good time shes having and how she doesn't need me anymore and will ring once in a while and then i feel rubbish again. I guess it will ease in time, but for now im going to spend some quality time with my other children.
One good thing to come out of this is that the bond with my other daughter (13) is getting stronger by the day

Well she wouldn't tell you she is having a rubbish time would she?

It's all part of her control and abuse.. tell her of the nice things you are doing.. going out, how the house dynamics have changed... it appears cruel but she needs to realise you aren't going to sit waiting by the phone for her to ring, you aren't going to be at her beckon call, you are not going to stop living just because she isn't there.. she doesn't sound like the kind of person who would realise that without having it spelled out!

Life will soon settle down.. and the good things are already starting to come out of this and you can already see them. They will keep hitting you over the next few months so you realise the decision to let her go is the right one!