Feeling low about daughter

teabag29

I wont go over the details again but i posted a thread last week regarding my complexed 17 year old daughter who refused to come home. I finally heard from her last night, she seemed very hyper and happy. She spoke as if nothing had happened and denied making any allegations. She is awaiting a foster placement until the assessment is done (takes up to 5 weeks). The social worker told me they always try to keep children at home where possible and they cant make any promises but that's what they are aiming for with support (respite and weekends and a support worker to take her out twice a week) however my daughter is adamant she wants to live in foster care long term, its a big adventure for her and she seems to be enjoying it. I guess they cant make her come home and so it seems long term foster care will be the outcome as shes not suitable for supported living due to her vulnerabilities.

She knows we are hopefully moving soon to be closer to my in laws and contact would then be difficult but she said oh well, i'll phone sometimes. She just doesn't seem to care at all, i've been a mess all week missing her and worrying but she didn't even ask how i was, just spent 30 minutes talking about herself.

I feel like such a failure, seems as though she has no feelings for me at all and I don't understand why and now I feel horrible knowing that some other woman will be looking after her and not me.

I know I couldn't carry on as things were but knowing you've done the right thing doesn't stop the hurting. I feel like i've lost my daughter which makes me incredibly low and not sure how to pick myself up.

mellymoo74

Teabag
You know it's the right thing but as you said it will still hurt. Just try and hold on to the fact it is he right thing for her, you and your other children.

pigpen

Look at the other things..

how are the other children feeling?
What is their life like now?
Other than sad and hurt how much nicer is homelife for you??
Do you feel safer?
Do the other children feel safer?
Has OH said anything?

Is letting her go the right thing??

You know this is the right thing for the rest of the family.. and it might just do her the world of good.. Many young people move out of home at 16 and 17 so it isn't like she is the first to ever do it or that it is even unusual.. Soemtimes you have to let them go so they realise how horrid they were and how unhappy they made everyone.. they usually come back.. and rebuilding a relationship in an adult capacity is so much easier than trying to force a parent/child-child relationship.. You have done your best, you have been through so much crap.. now is the time to look after the other children and protect them and yourself.. you haven't failed.. you have fought and battled and suffered.. that can now stop.

big hugs... it WILL get easier I promise.

picklekin

I'm sorry things are hard for you atm, and it must be hard feeling your daughter doesn't want the contact you want.

I'm a bit confused though, you say your daughter is 17, why does she need foster care or any care? I lived on my own when I was 17, it was a bit fiddly with certain things which you needed to be 18 for, but as far I was aware it was all legal. Perhaps the law has changed since I was young or I'm missing something.

I probably wasn't the best at phoning home when I moved out either, there was so many exciting things to do in the world now I was able to. My relationship with my mother when I left was not good, but we did (slowly) rebuild our relationship (I used to walk to the payphone once a week, but mobile phones will make that SO much easier!), although it never really parental, more friends. Just be there for her when she needs you.

charlishae

That must be tough but then you may find that your relationship with your daughter improves once she is no longer living with you and as she gets older.

singlestep

I'm sorry you're so upset. You have only ever acted with the best interests of everyone in mind but the right thing isn't often the easiest thing.

Things have been so difficult for so long that perhaps a little more distance is what you and the rest of the family need? Perhaps with a breather, you will be able to put things in to perspective and focus on your health, your whole family and the best way forward for all of you.

gwynlas

Sorry to hear that you are feeling low but try to think about it as a right of passage for her and a positive thing as though she was going off to university. I don't know all the circumstances regarding her vulnerabilities but from what I recall from your previous post the whole family having a hard time. With your planned move closer to in laws you are no doubt feeling stressed anyway. Talk to your GP who might be able to offer you counselling or ask Social Services where you might get some support.

Dill

From what I have read, I think the dynamic between the two of you wasn't healthy, teabag. You were - metaphorically and literally, at times - her punchbag.

I wouldn't be surprised if she will want to come home to you once the novelty of being somewhere new has worn off, and it will then be for you to stay strong and not have her back. I understand that emotionally this must be very hard for you, because whatever she's said or done she is still your daughter.

mark5

picklekin wrote: »

I'm sorry things are hard for you atm, and it must be hard feeling your daughter doesn't want the contact you want.

I'm a bit confused though, you say your daughter is 17, why does she need foster care or any care? I lived on my own when I was 17, it was a bit fiddly with certain things which you needed to be 18 for, but as far I was aware it was all legal. Perhaps the law has changed since I was young or I'm missing something.

I probably wasn't the best at phoning home when I moved out either, there was so many exciting things to do in the world now I was able to. My relationship with my mother when I left was not good, but we did (slowly) rebuild our relationship (I used to walk to the payphone once a week, but mobile phones will make that SO much easier!), although it never really parental, more friends. Just be there for her when she needs you.

Social services probably have a duty of care until the child is 18.

Social services are no doubt involved because the daughter got them involved.

tealady

Hi sometimes people need a bit of "time out" from each other so hopefully things will get better. Now throw away that stick you are beating yourself up with, say to your daughter that you love her and wish her well and get on with your life.
Sometimes with the best will in the world we cannot solve problems. That does not make us failures, it means we are human. After all (s)he who never made a mistake never made anything.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

At least you and your younger children are safe now she's not there to abuse you all. And her being with a foster carer means that, when she inevitably starts behaving similarly to them as she has done to you, any concern about your treatment of her will be confirmed as being based upon her entirely false allegations.

Doesn't mean you can't miss her - but surely that is a positive thing that cannot happen if she comes back again? It also means that she won't be with you and behaving in the same way when she is 18 and SS/the council say there's nothing that can be done for an adult.