mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?

Ames

margaretclare wrote: »

Oooops. According to my elder surviving daughter this was me. Not affectionate enough, trying to make her do things she didn't want to do (like not truanting from school), not being there for her enough etc etc.

Some of this can be explained by my not being at home, being out at work 'concentrating on my career too much' although the end result was putting food on the table and keeping a roof over our heads.

Oddly enough her younger sister who died (who she actually treated very badly, stealing from her etc) never had the same criticisms of me. Neither do my step-family especially my 2 step-granddaughters, who couldn't be more loving. Although they're all at a distance.

There's a vast difference between being a strict parent (although you seem to be describing normal parenting) and abusive parenting.

Would people expect an adult who were physically or sexually abused as a child to care for the 'parent' who carried out the abuse? If not then why is it different when it's emotional abuse or (real) neglect?

Red-Squirrel_2

Judi wrote: »

.... but it wouldnt stop you from choosing her care home and pop in occasionally if not to see her but to check that she was still safe. Its the decent thing to do. Even if your Mother was a cow to you, it doesnt stop you doing the decent thing.

It would stop me! I wouldn't do any more for a parent like that than I would for any other random elderly person who I didn’t have any relationship with. I wouldn’t feel a scrap of guilt either.

Kksingh

Always find it strange when i read some of the opinions on this kind of topic.
I agree if your parents where abusive/neglectful and/or if they require 24 hour help or more then you can manage (onset of dementia) its probably best left to professional help.
However this is not the case in the VAST majority of cases. As most RGN and care home staff will advise you the people who bought us up are left out of sight and out of mind.
Myself and most of my friends are from a sikh background. It is instilled in us from a young age the duty of care we owe our parents (no nhs setup in india). To the point where most of us are in our young thirties and married with kids. Yet we have our parents move in with us. They dont pay for any type of bills and mostof us actually provide our parents a stipend approx 100quid a week so they are able to go out and do qhat they like.

Im.not saying everyone should do this but these people raised you and regardless of how well or badly they have done that job we shouldnt just throw away what they sacrificied. Again as above i know some peoples parents where idiots and neglectful themselves. However to reiterate i do believe the vast majority of parents where like mine pulling 2 jobs each just to make ends meet and provide the best for their kids.

I also understand people saying they do not want to burden their children with having to look after them. I cannot understand why its better to pay a stranger to look after you then be looked after by family

in_my_wellies

It's been a year since mum came to stay with me. She is less anxious and very content. In fact she received a letter from her doctor to go for a review because they hadn't seen her for 13 months. As she said to the doctor, 'I'm healthy but I just need a new head'. And yes, her short term memory is very poor.
My cousin and family found themselves a lovely flat so I have my garage back. My son finished uni and found himself a job 90 miles away. So it's just mum and me with my daughter 10 minutes away.
Mum can still manage the stairs and bathroom. I moved her bedroom furniture into her room so it is familiar. A lot of bits and pieces of her stuff is here, gradually going to charity shops and ebay. Fortunately she is NOT a hoarder and had 'downsized' twice since 2011. The opposite in fact, I have had to retrieve a lot from the bin and charity box. My stuff included! Clothes are her thing. Opposite to me. She loves nothing more than a mooch in the shops and can always buy a jumper. Forgotten by the next day - am I very naughty to take them back on our next trip:o She loves to have her hair done every week, shampoo and set, £19. Is that about right? Again, not my thing so I haven't a clue but she's happy.
She can be helpful, my kitchen has never been so clean. She loves having a task and if I organise her she can complete it - mending, chopping veg, grooming a cat, /dog, etc. And making lots of tea. She'll need a rest in the afternoon so I can get on with the garden, office, phone calls, etc. I can leave her for an hour so I can catch up with friends while she rests or reads. She has lost the capacity to prepare a meal by herself but is happy to peel and chop although I think she would prefer shop bought veg to my dirty home grown garden produce. She was an M&S or Sainsbury's shopper.
My daughter gave her an old fitbit and most days she does 4000 steps pottering and 7000 if we go for a walk. I think that's OK for 86. We set the target at 6000. (She soon realized brushing the dog gives her steps and is not above cheating a little)
In the spring I've arranged for a plumber/bathroom fitter to quote for a wet-room in the utility/'garage'. The plumbing for a toilet and drains are already under the floor. Put in when it was rebuilt 25 years ago so good forward planning by my DH. The main problem is lack of heating and hot water which I have to think about. It was built as a garage/office but fully insulated and double walled, plastered, double glazed. The council have it as an office, I think they said we can't use it as a bedroom and it won't ever be self contained as there's not enough room for appliances. But if mum can't manage stairs she could access this room without a step.
Regarding costs, I get CA and mum gets AA. She doesn't pay me as such but does put petrol in the car when we visit her blind sister, pays the extra 25% council tax and gave me her winter fuel allowance. I get some credits towards my state pension which helps as I was short.
Both mum's parents and all four grandparents lived to over 90. As did many of the uncles and aunts. I remember as a child a great uncle died when he was 82 and his sister saying 'It's no age' and that was in about 1964. At mum's suggestion we have visited two dementia care homes. One is in walking distance and my neighbours mother is there. By an amazing coincidence they were born in the same town in Suffolk so have common memories. Conversation is limited and needs prompting but they do consider each other 'new friends'. Mum is being sensible and is saying I can 'put her in there when she won't know about it'. TBH I won't be waiting that long as by then it'll be too late for her to settle. We shall see.
Sorry this turned into more than a quick update. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Primrose

What a lovely update to read, . I'm glad things have worked out well for you both. It was a big undertaking but you both seem to have planned and coped well with the changes you have had to negotiate. I hope life stays on a steady path for your mum but if things really go downhill and she needs more professional and full time care than you can provide your conscience will be clear.

Savvy_Sue

in_my_wellies wrote: »

She doesn't pay me as such but does put petrol in the car when we visit her blind sister, pays the extra 25% council tax and gave me her winter fuel allowance.

glad to read your update. This bit leapt out at me: if your mother has a Severe Mental Impairment then she can be disregarded for CT purposes, thus saving you that 25%. Martin's mentioned this on his show a few times, details here.

Kim_kim

tessiesmummy wrote: »

Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.

Years ago a mans wage was enough to keep a family and that one wage could pay a mortgage.
That’s not the case anymore and women rarely have the luxury of staying at home and not working.
I think that is the cause for the young not looking after the old, women can’t afford not to work.

in_my_wellies

Primrose wrote: »

What a lovely update to read, . I'm glad things have worked out well for you both. It was a big undertaking but you both seem to have planned and coped well with the changes you have had to negotiate. I hope life stays on a steady path for your mum but if things really go downhill and she needs more professional and full time care than you can provide your conscience will be clear.

Mum was assessed where she used to live and had a dementia diagnosis. When she moved the process began again. In the 17 months between assessments her score fell by only 1 point. I was so pleased. I know that any deterioration may not be steady but it gave me hope as I can cope with how she is now. Her memory is poor but she is easily distracted. If she comes downstairs in the morning with the calendar I know we are in for a trying day! If it's fine we are out of the door with in the hour - to the shops, a walk, library, anywhere - so she forgets the calendar.
Some things she can do well but others need careful supervision. I bought a 5kg bag of new potatoes from the farm shop. Normally I put them in a pan but today I just said 'peel the potatoes' So she did! All 5kg for just the two of us!

BrassicWoman

Kim_kim wrote: »

Years ago a mans wage was enough to keep a family and that one wage could pay a mortgage.
That’s not the case anymore and women rarely have the luxury of staying at home and not working.
I think that is the cause for the young not looking after the old, women can’t afford not to work.

Men are also capable of staying home and caring.

BrassicWoman

in_my_wellies wrote: »

Mum was assessed where she used to live and had a dementia diagnosis. When she moved the process began again. In the 17 months between assessments her score fell by only 1 point. I was so pleased. I know that any deterioration may not be steady but it gave me hope as I can cope with how she is now. Her memory is poor but she is easily distracted. If she comes downstairs in the morning with the calendar I know we are in for a trying day! If it's fine we are out of the door with in the hour - to the shops, a walk, library, anywhere - so she forgets the calendar.
Some things she can do well but others need careful supervision. I bought a 5kg bag of new potatoes from the farm shop. Normally I put them in a pan but today I just said 'peel the potatoes' So she did! All 5kg for just the two of us!

Sounds like the walking is doing both of you good!