mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?

System

Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.

dawyldthing

Make sure she applies for attendance allowance (even if she don't need care right now)

I do disagree with mum not contributing though. If there's a few of you split it between you but she will be happy to contribute and ultimately that's what the pension is for - food and bills.

dawyldthing

tessiesmummy wrote: »

Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.

Second this, but as soon as they pass away there soon there for the inheritance (and I don't mean you op but I've seen it once with work)

We moved nan in and she was with us a few years after a neighbour raised a few concerns and I'm glad we did to be honest as I didn't what someone said about her falling at 11 to be found next day to happen.

You can get a carers assessment too. I think it can be started through the GP thinking about it

Red-Squirrel_2

tessiesmummy wrote: »

Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.

Could you not just say the nice things and leave out the guilt trip for people who can't do the same?

System

No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices !!!55357;!!!56842;

in_my_wellies

FireflyawayThanks for your comments. I'm no longer thinking about extensive building. I'm lucky I do have a spare bedroom now as one child has left. She can manage the stairs. I also have a dining room which she can use if stairs are not possible. The problem is that she is used to a walking shower/wet room in her flat so although she is able to use my shower she is reluctant (the dementia) so I'm looking into easier options for her. I have booked 2 bathroom companies. I'm hoping that moving a stud wall 40 - 50 cm will create a shower /wet room which will add to my property and not be a white elephant in the long run. A recently deceased elderly cat means I need a new carpet anyway so no I wouldn't be billing my mum!
Mum is now past the stage where finance has any meaning. She hasn't mentioned paying keep/rent and nor have I. She seems to have gone into the past where prices are concerned, reacting in horror at the price of almost everything. She wanted to pay the cleaner £1 for the morning and thought the £2.20 in her purse would be enough for the hairdresser. When we go out I pay for everything - parking, coffee, etc. This is totally out of character. For over 60 year I've been used to her insisting. So I guess now I get my way.

Savvy_Sue

tessiesmummy wrote: »

No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices

There's an interesting book being serialised on Radio 4 this week, written by a lady diagnosed with dementia at 58. She was adamant from the start that she did not WANT to be cared for by her daughters and would much prefer professional care. My mother was of the same opinion, and did not WANT any of us to have to care for her. So you can feel as strongly as you want, not all older people feel the same.

Plus whether or not you feel people won't or don't want to make any sacrifices, what exactly are you suggesting people should sacrifice to avoid relatives going into residential care?

Their marriages? Pretty sure mine would not have stood the strain of having my mother with us, although one of my siblings lives happily with their MIL.

Their children's lives? DH still doesn't speak about living with his paranoid and delusional grandparent during his teenage years.

Their health? Lifting, turning, toileting a sometimes much heavier adult who either can't or won't cooperate, without adequate help and support ... maybe for years ... Unable to go out for a brisk walk, maybe for years, even hang washing out in the garden without being called, "where are you, I don't know where you are or how long you've been gone?"

Their financial independence? Reliant on Carers' Allowance, no private pension, maybe until they're retired themselves and in poor health because of the years of caring?

Actually, let's forget older people: one of my friends has a child, currently living at home, who will never be able to live independently. Should the parent keep that child at home forever, or take steps to see them in a suitable residential setting, with people of a similar age? If the child stays at home, what happens when the parent dies, or becomes too frail to provide the necessary care? Should a younger sibling have to take on the responsibility? My friend is agonising over when to take this decision, and I'm certainly not going to guilt trip them over it ...

If it works for the OP, that's fantastic. It would not work for everyone, and suggesting that the only reason it doesn't is because people aren't willing to make sacrifices is simplistic at best.

troubleinparadise

tessiesmummy wrote: »

No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices !!!55357;!!!56842;

Tessiesmummy - you will know as a registered nurse (who is working in patient care at present, I assume) that a person with dementia who has declined is not easy to care for, let alone 1:1 on a 24/7 basis.

It appears to be a challenge on wards with several nurses plus HCAs, who change shifts and go home with a fresh person to take over, plus housekeeping and cooking done by others.

I am familiar with carers stories on the Alzheimers UK forum where they have desperately wanted to provide care at home for their family member, but have had to place that person in residential care due to either unmanageable violence, incontinence, wandering or sleeplessness, and finally carer breakdown.

Social services do what they can, but are overstretched. Bought in visiting care can help for the 15 minutes they are there, which still doesn;t count for much even if it is for 4 visits a day.

In those situations it is most definitely not a case of won;t or dont, but can;t. Dont be too quick to judge those whose shoes you havent walked in.

Tabbytabitha

dawyldthing wrote: »

Make sure she applies for attendance allowance (even if she don't need care right now)

I do disagree with mum not contributing though. If there's a few of you split it between you but she will be happy to contribute and ultimately that's what the pension is for - food and bills.

If she doesn't have care needs at present it's pointless applying for AA - when (and if) she does, that's the time to apply.

in_my_wellies

badmemory wrote: »

You can now claim back the amount they say they overcharged, I've no idea how to do the link but hopefully someone will help with that! About £45 each POA.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/power-of-attorney-fee-refund-scheme-launched

many thanks, I shall look into this