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Son, rent, resentment, ex, debt plus more, guidance needed please.
paigesaunt
Posts: 117 Forumite
Good morning everyone
I've not posted in a while, but some may remember the situation I suddenly found myself in, in Feb 2015 when my husband walked out on me for a woman he'd met 3 weeks earlier, and is still with now despite conning me for the last year that he was unhappy with her and may possibly want to come home.
This isn't really about that, although my current problem/s probably are connected both financially and emotionally so please bear with me while I get to the points I need help with, just thought it best to give some background information.
So after he left, I put 100% into rebuilding a life for myself and our adult son, who by my own admission (and partly the reason my husband left) has virtually never had to do anything for himself (I was a stay at home mum and did everything for him, dad wasn't great at empathy or communication so I was always first point and had a great relationship with our son while dad didn't, so much so that in the months before dad walked out any communication or acknowledgement between them has ceased.
For as long as I can remember we always intended to convert our garage to a self contained annexe (ex is a builder) for our son, then on retirement or son having a family whichever was soonest we would swap homes, it seemed a great opportunity as its really hard for youngsters to afford their own homes and just the two of us wouldn't need a 3 bed home.
Obviously when ex left this idea went out of the window. Two months after ex left, sadly my mother-in-law passed away suddenly (ex took gf of 2 months to funeral, I couldn't handle seeing them together so didn't go, but that's another story)
Anyway, fast forward a few more months and sons grandad sent a cheque to him for £2,000, that was his share of his nans savings.
Son suggested he spend this money on the conversion if my brother was prepared to do the work for nothing, which he agreed to do for me because it would enable the main house to be freed up for me to have lodgers if I couldn't manage financially on my own. My wonderful brother spend all his free time after work and at weekends to get the work to a habitable stage and son has been in there since Dec, it's completely self contained except it has no shower or kitchen yet so he uses my shower, washing machine and dishwasher (it has a small oven and hob)
Son has been with his gf for 3.5 years but around the time he moved next door they split up because she had met someone else. Although I was sad, in some ways it was a relief as for the first year or so of them being together I treated her like a daughter and we got on great, but for some unknown reason she became really hostile towards me, the only reason ever suggested was that she was jealous of my relationship with my son.
Obviously at that time all 4 of us were living in the house and it did create quite an atmosphere, my ex husband was the sole earner, none of us worked, gf was still at school (mum was claiming child benefit and child tax credits so we couldn't) so it was a massive drain on him (I can see that now, sadly too late to save my marriage though)
Any away back to the now, but I will post this now before I continue as its quite long: TBC
I've not posted in a while, but some may remember the situation I suddenly found myself in, in Feb 2015 when my husband walked out on me for a woman he'd met 3 weeks earlier, and is still with now despite conning me for the last year that he was unhappy with her and may possibly want to come home.
This isn't really about that, although my current problem/s probably are connected both financially and emotionally so please bear with me while I get to the points I need help with, just thought it best to give some background information.
So after he left, I put 100% into rebuilding a life for myself and our adult son, who by my own admission (and partly the reason my husband left) has virtually never had to do anything for himself (I was a stay at home mum and did everything for him, dad wasn't great at empathy or communication so I was always first point and had a great relationship with our son while dad didn't, so much so that in the months before dad walked out any communication or acknowledgement between them has ceased.
For as long as I can remember we always intended to convert our garage to a self contained annexe (ex is a builder) for our son, then on retirement or son having a family whichever was soonest we would swap homes, it seemed a great opportunity as its really hard for youngsters to afford their own homes and just the two of us wouldn't need a 3 bed home.
Obviously when ex left this idea went out of the window. Two months after ex left, sadly my mother-in-law passed away suddenly (ex took gf of 2 months to funeral, I couldn't handle seeing them together so didn't go, but that's another story)
Anyway, fast forward a few more months and sons grandad sent a cheque to him for £2,000, that was his share of his nans savings.
Son suggested he spend this money on the conversion if my brother was prepared to do the work for nothing, which he agreed to do for me because it would enable the main house to be freed up for me to have lodgers if I couldn't manage financially on my own. My wonderful brother spend all his free time after work and at weekends to get the work to a habitable stage and son has been in there since Dec, it's completely self contained except it has no shower or kitchen yet so he uses my shower, washing machine and dishwasher (it has a small oven and hob)
Son has been with his gf for 3.5 years but around the time he moved next door they split up because she had met someone else. Although I was sad, in some ways it was a relief as for the first year or so of them being together I treated her like a daughter and we got on great, but for some unknown reason she became really hostile towards me, the only reason ever suggested was that she was jealous of my relationship with my son.
Obviously at that time all 4 of us were living in the house and it did create quite an atmosphere, my ex husband was the sole earner, none of us worked, gf was still at school (mum was claiming child benefit and child tax credits so we couldn't) so it was a massive drain on him (I can see that now, sadly too late to save my marriage though)
Any away back to the now, but I will post this now before I continue as its quite long: TBC
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Comments
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Cont:
I tried having a lodger, a young girl who was known to us and was basically thrown out of her home by her mum because she didn't get on with her step-father. I took her in partly because I needed the extra money and partly because I felt sorry for her. What I didn't know was that I was expected to claim child benefit and child tax credits to pay for her as she was still in 6th form schooling, she also worked so I assumed that she would be paying rent from her earnings.
Eventually after about 2 months, I started to receive child tax credits, but child benefit was still being claimed by mum! Here we go again, this is what happened with sons gf. I was very uncomfortable with claiming this for her as unfortunately it gave her the impression I was responsible for her, she would expect me to drop her at school/work and do all the things a mum would, the general feeling was this was learnt from sons gf who although hardly spoke to me, still accepted everything I did for her, from being her taxi service to doing her washing (lodger was sons gf's friend) There were other things I found difficult to live with too, you really have to live with someone to know them and their habits. I asked her to leave after about 3 months, the extra money really wasn't worth sharing my home for in addition to the extra worry of having to care for a teenager. This has unfortunately put me off sharing my home with a stranger, if I couldn't handle someone I knew, how could I live with a stranger!
I was managing quite well financially at that time so I suggested to my son that I would like to fulfil my promise me and his dad made to him to provide him with his own space, so I would ask him to pay me £350 a month rent, but for the first 5 months only pay me £150 and put the other £200 (he'd put £1,000 into the annexe project) back into his savings account he had received from his nan/grandad and after that start paying me the full amount.
So back to the now.
In January my son and his gf got back together and I was very happy for them, he assured me she would treat me with a bit more respect, and wasn't moving into the annexe with him just yet, they were going to work on their relationship first.
Got to pop out, will continue when I get back0 -
paigesaunt wrote: »Good morning everyone
I've not posted in a while, but some may remember the situation I suddenly found myself in, in Feb 2015 when my husband walked out on me for a woman he'd met 3 weeks earlier, and is still with now despite conning me for the last year that he was unhappy with her and may possibly want to come home.
This isn't really about that, although my current problem/s probably are connected both financially and emotionally so please bear with me while I get to the points I need help with, just thought it best to give some background information.
So after he left, I put 100% into rebuilding a life for myself and our adult son, who by my own admission (and partly the reason my husband left) has virtually never had to do anything for himself (I was a stay at home mum and did everything for him, dad wasn't great at empathy or communication so I was always first point and had a great relationship with our son while dad didn't, so much so that in the months before dad walked out any communication or acknowledgement between them has ceased. - Not to berate you, but parents should prepare their children for life, not do it for them. I can see how this would cause serious problems. Is your son more independent now?
For as long as I can remember we always intended to convert our garage to a self contained annexe (ex is a builder) for our son, then on retirement or son having a family whichever was soonest we would swap homes, it seemed a great opportunity as its really hard for youngsters to afford their own homes and just the two of us wouldn't need a 3 bed home. - Is your son physically and mentally capable? If so, you really should be promoting him to move out and be independent. How is he supposed to start a family? Who would have him?
Obviously when ex left this idea went out of the window. Two months after ex left, sadly my mother-in-law passed away suddenly (ex took gf of 2 months to funeral, I couldn't handle seeing them together so didn't go, but that's another story)
Anyway, fast forward a few more months and sons grandad sent a cheque to him for £2,000, that was his share of his nans savings.
Son suggested he spend this money on the conversion if my brother was prepared to do the work for nothing, which he agreed to do for me because it would enable the main house to be freed up for me to have lodgers if I couldn't manage financially on my own. My wonderful brother spend all his free time after work and at weekends to get the work to a habitable stage and son has been in there since Dec, it's completely self contained except it has no shower or kitchen yet so he uses my shower, washing machine and dishwasher (it has a small oven and hob)
Son has been with his gf for 3.5 years but around the time he moved next door they split up because she had met someone else. Although I was sad, in some ways it was a relief as for the first year or so of them being together I treated her like a daughter and we got on great, but for some unknown reason she became really hostile towards me, the only reason ever suggested was that she was jealous of my relationship with my son. - Yes I suspect this will be a factor in his future relationships. How old is he?
Obviously at that time all 4 of us were living in the house and it did create quite an atmosphere, my ex husband was the sole earner - Again why? , none of us worked, gf was still at school (mum was claiming child benefit and child tax credits so we couldn't) - you should've made the claim. so it was a massive drain on him (I can see that now, sadly too late to save my marriage though)
Any away back to the now, but I will post this now before I continue as its quite long: TBC
Honestly I can see why your husband had had enough, and it wasn't anything you did that was horrible.
You aren't a bad person or anything like that, from what you've written.
It sounds though, like you didn't listen to him - I do agree that him supporting a family of 4 when he's the only one working and his wife isn't (I don't know why, you may have a very valid reason) and more importantly his adult son isn't contributing was a key factor.
Going forward I think your son needs to move out, just my opinion though0 -
paigesaunt wrote: »Cont:
I tried having a lodger, a young girl who was known to us and was basically thrown out of her home by her mum because she didn't get on with her step-father. I took her in partly because I needed the extra money and partly because I felt sorry for her. What I didn't know was that I was expected to claim child benefit and child tax credits to pay for her as she was still in 6th form schooling, she also worked so I assumed that she would be paying rent from her earnings. - Well that's no reason to have a lodger. I think you should look at mon-fri workers or young professionals.
Eventually after about 2 months, I started to receive child tax credits, but child benefit was still being claimed by mum! Here we go again, this is what happened with sons gf. - In future, dispute the claim. I was very uncomfortable with claiming this for her as unfortunately it gave her the impression I was responsible for her - In some ways (including legal) you were. , she would expect me to drop her at school/work and do all the things a mum would, the general feeling was this was learnt from sons gf who although hardly spoke to me, still accepted everything I did for her, from being her taxi service to doing her washing (lodger was sons gf's friend) - well it's your house and you put a stop to it, including giving her notice if required. (was she 18?) There were other things I found difficult to live with too, you really have to live with someone to know them and their habits. I asked her to leave after about 3 months, the extra money really wasn't worth sharing my home for in addition to the extra worry of having to care for a teenager. This has unfortunately put me off sharing my home with a stranger, if I couldn't handle someone I knew, how could I live with a stranger! - because a stranger would treat it professionally, rather than personal like this. You aren't sharing lives, you're sharing space. If you want companionship you need to look elsewhere.
I was managing quite well financially at that time so I suggested to my son that I would like to fulfil my promise me and his dad made to him to provide him with his own space, so I would ask him to pay me £350 a month rent, but for the first 5 months only pay me £150 and put the other £200 (he'd put £1,000 into the annexe project) back into his savings account he had received from his nan/grandad and after that start paying me the full amount. - good idea. he should contribute
So back to the now.
In January my son and his gf got back together and I was very happy for them, he assured me she would treat me with a bit more respect, and wasn't moving into the annexe with him just yet, they were going to work on their relationship first.
Got to pop out, will continue when I get back
I'm unsure what advice you want at present, but and this is a major thing.
He's paying rent and it's his space, he can do what he likes in there.0 -
paigesaunt wrote: »So after he left, I put 100% into rebuilding a life for myself and our adult son, who by my own admission (and partly the reason my husband left) has virtually never had to do anything for himself (I was a stay at home mum and did everything for him,
This is the source of all your problems.0 -
I know you've not finished posting yet but I can see where this might be heading, is your ex husband going to expect you to sell the property and give him his share of the the proceeds? it seems a bit risky to me that you have had all this conversion work done for your son to live self contained when your ex (whom as you stated was the only one working at the time and therefore I presume paying the mortgage and all the bills) would be entitled to at least 50% of the property now? unless you bought him out before this?Aug GC £63.23/£200, Total Savings £00
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I think the OP's previous threads contain key information.milliemonster wrote: »I know you've not finished posting yet but I can see where this might be heading, is your ex husband going to expect you to sell the property and give him his share of the the proceeds? it seems a bit risky to me that you have had all this conversion work done for your son to live self contained when your ex (whom as you stated was the only one working at the time and therefore I presume paying the mortgage and all the bills) would be entitled to at least 50% of the property now? unless you bought him out before this?
The OP discovered 2 charging orders on the house.
OP's ex was bankrupt, later post said she bought her husbands beneficial interest in the house.
So she says he doesn't have any claim on the property but is still on the mortgage therefore he's joint owner of the mortgage debt only.
I think I'm going to hold back on replying further until the OP has completed her latest information.0 -
This is the source of all your problems.
Yep, couldn't agree more. What she needs to do is sell the house (the annex will be a selling point as a granny flat) buy/rent a smaller one, and let the son get on with his own life and flat. I'm not surprised his girlfriend "turned", the op sounds totally like the interfering "mother in law".0 -
paigesaunt wrote: »Got to pop out, will continue when I get back
I have to say, I think it would be better to wait until you have the time to post everything you want to, rather than drip feeding with big gaps.
People will be taking the time to read this, hoping to help you, then realising they don't have the full story, or wasting their time by replying with advice or questions that may well become irrelevant the next time you post a bit of the story.0 -
How can an annexe be "completely self-contained" if it doesn't have a shower or kitchen??0
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