GF vs Dad..

LannieDuck

I'm in a similar position to your gf - my OH's family is much more volatile than mine, and has always had big arguments that blow up and blow over. He's learnt to forgive and forget, but to an outsider coming into that environment it's much harder... esp since it's always my OH being expected to ignore things said to him, and never his father being expected to back down.

As FIL is getting older, we fear he's becoming more set in his ways and more outspoken. However, what makes it tolerable for me is that my OH sees it as solely his problem to deal with and shields me from it as far as possible.

Yes, I can stand up for myself if I have to, but the relationships involved do put me (and your gf) in a difficult position:

- In any other situation I would simply walk away and have nothing to do with FIL, but obviously that's not an option.
- I could avoid all family gatherings, but that's rather unfair to us (esp now we have children who we wish to see their relatives).
- I could talk back to FIL, and I'm sure OH would support me, but FIL will not back down and ultimately I would be risking not only my own relationship with FIL, but OH's too.

So, I disagree with other posters that it's your gf's job to deal with this. I think it's yours, and it sounds as if you have a good plan

Gazzafatcityboy

thank you much appreciated... I need that kick up the backside... I will let you all know how I get on this week. At the end of the day on Thursday I am there for my brother and not my mum/dad although it will be good to see them as well.

duchy

I did wonder if there was a bit of a different culture going on .

Ringing them up and laying down the law right before a big family event might be a bit too much for your Dad to swallow , let alone take on board in one go. The last thing you want is a big rift for your brother's day.

Maybe break it down into more manageable chunks ? You don't have to do it all this week....Do you ?

Gazzafatcityboy

In terms of manageable chunks? Well I think the first thing to do, is draw a line in the sand and say I will keep in regular contact with them and that I do care about things.

Mojisola

Gazzafatcityboy wrote: »

We are all meeting up with the whole family on Thursday for my youngest brothers passing out parade at uni. However I want to sort out talking to them before then so it wont be awkward. I mean it will be since I haven’t spoken to them for four months but, I want to clear the air a bit before then.

Does your GF need to be at this event? Why don't you go by yourself?

That would give you time to start to sort out the issues before your GF exposes herself to more unpleasantness from your father.

Gazzafatcityboy

unfortunately we do since the tickets were bought a long time ago... it means a lot to my brother that me and the gf are going. yes I will try to shield her from it as much as possible...

BarryBlue

pigpen wrote: »

Have you not told your dad not to be so rude to her and that while he doesnt have to like her he should at least be civil for your sake!

I spent several days last week biting my tongue so as not to offend OH's family.. but it wasn't pleasant for anyone and OH was very much in the middle as you are.

Just tell him to shut up and back off and make it clear he is the reason you have limited contact etc.

This, really. ^ ^ ^


You can't choose who you get as your family. But you have chosen your girlfriend and she has chosen you. So you need to support her and make sure she knows it.

TBagpuss

I think there comes a point where you have to decide what your priority is. If you are in a long term relationship, and plan to marry, then it is reasonable to start putting your girlfriend/wife first.

That doesn't mean that you have to chose them or her, but it does mean that you should discuss with your partner how you-as-a-couple will deal will the issue.

One part of this might be agreeing on how you will support each other in dealing with your dad - for instance, you might agree that if your dad is rude once (to either of you) that you will call him on it (e.g. "Dad, that's really rude. It's not appropriate for you to make that kind of comment about me / gf") and that if there is a second incident you will leave.

I'd also suggest that you consider sharing less information with your dad (perhaps with both parents), prticualrly about your finances.

Finally, do you think it might be helpful to talk to your girlfriend's parents? Might your Dad respond better to a conversation with another man of his own generation, who is also a parent? (not necessarily even about your dad's bullying, but perhaps about the positives in your and your gf's relationship, to show both of you in a new light.

Gazzafatcityboy

Hi all….

So I wanted to just follow up since I have a quick chance to after last week.

In the end on the Wednesday night I rang up my mum and dad. My dad was quite glad, in a way he said he was grateful for me ringing, he said he didn’t care why I didn’t ring before which he knew that I didn’t and said that it was disrespectful that I didn’t before which I do understand. My mum just wanted to find out how me and the gf were which was a good thing. I felt very relieved…. So that when we meetup on the Thursday it wouldn’t be awkward…

First of all… jeez it was a long journey.. we had to meet up at Dartmouth which is about 3.5 hours away from London. Thank goodness my brother drove. We got there and things were fine, we exchanged pleasantries and it worked out well. After the ceremonies and things, we went back to my parents place and had some dinner.

At dinner, my father did grill my gf about why I hadn’t rung and she rightly said that it was me and my fault.. I did own up to that. I could tell later behind closed doors she was going to say something later but she did stand her own.

Since then I think that we have agreed to get along better, I mean for me to ring and keep in touch. I think though my father is getting very old right now.. he is really getting grey which he should at the age he is at.

My mum isn’t silly she knows what’s going on and tries to limit the damage. I told her what’s going on and how things are fine otherwise. They need to treat me like adults so.

I think that what’s apparent is that my dad doesn’t really have anything good to say about me. My gf feels that my dad seems to pick on me a lot and says only negative things, that might be the truth but really I don’t care…

I know what I am worth and how hard I have worked to get there. I worked damn hard and the amount of interviews that I had to do plus work to get where I am. Not everyone makes it and I know that. The problem that makes it worse is that my gf feels that he doesn’t pick on my brothers as much you see. During the dinner conversation it really wasn’t welcoming I think.

Since then me and mrs have had some arguments, but we are better now. I just hate having to go through strife everytime after we see them.


I think her parents could talk to mine to set them straight a bit but they don't live here and they live in China.

LannieDuck

How come your dad grilled your gf about why you hadn't rung?