GF vs Dad..

Gazzafatcityboy

I don’t know really where to start but here goes…..

I’m 34 and live with my gf. We rent a small studio in London and we both enjoy living there, it’s basically above a family who we do regularly interact with. They are like my family really. They are very supportive and do not judge me too much.

The relationship between me and my family with my gf is a little strained. I get along with my brothers and all, you know we grew up together and they have no issues really. I think that I haven’t been as close as I should be but I think that’s kind of expected with all of us having other halves. My older and younger brother are married, my youngest brother is still at uni just about to graduate.

My gf and parents just don’t get on, her and my father especially. My father is a difficult person to deal with really. He seems to upset my girlfriend on multiple occasions by the insensitive things he says to her. Every time we have been together with him I have to deal with the fall out of the family. Normally my dad will say something insensitive and she doesn’t know how to deal with it, to the extent she doesn’t want to answer back to him. I mean that’s the way that she is brought up. Then normally for about a week she’s upset and then we go back to normal.

The last time that happened was at Christmas and I haven’t spoken to my parents since, I have changed my number turned it to airplane mode most of the time and given various excuses not to speak to them. Of course I care about them but there are a few things stopping me from speaking to them.

• My father is overly critical… he always criticised me regarding everything I do. From the way I work to the way I am weight wise, the way I dress and he is a serial complainer. The longer I leave talking to him then the longer I get worried on how he reacts
• My gf, I’m not exaggerating here but she is the best thing that has happened to me. When I was a single man, although I enjoyed myself it was in the wrong way. I would constantly be tired, I gambled my life to an oblivion and never really saw a future. She has now changed me for the better… I do watch my money, I do see a future and I recently got a new job in a very prestigious company ( they pay me close to six figures) she has also helped me in sorting out my finances.
• They have helped me before with my finances (my parents) and as far as they are aware me and the gf are saving to buy a place in London. This is partly true but I still have about 10k worth of debt from gambling which they don’t know about. My gf knows about this and she supports me in terms of paying it off, I will pay it all off by the end of this year in addition to selling my old house which I rent out.(this is part of the basis for deposit on my new place once I pass my work probation)

It feels like I have to choose right now which is wrong.. I don’t want to have to deal with her not getting on with my father yet I want to repair the relationship I have with my parents.

On the other hand the relationship she has with her parents is actually really good… They aren’t complicated people, they lead a simple life. They work and that’s about it. They don’t seem to be critical with my gf either.

The main thing is how to repair the relationship with my parents? I want to call them today but am scared about the scolding they are going to give me and I don’t want to break down in tears either…

We are all meeting up with the whole family on Thursday for my youngest brothers passing out parade at uni. However I want to sort out talking to them before then so it wont be awkward. I mean it will be since I haven’t spoken to them for four months but, I want to clear the air a bit before then.

Please help as I have been losing sleep over this as of late and I don’t know who really to talk to.

Gazza

Guest101

I suppose you need to balance it out:


1: How often do you actually see your family? I mean I went 14 years without speaking to my father - for various resons.
2: Your GF should be more assertive, she is an adult presumably and if someone upsets her, she is ultimately responsible for dealing with it. Delegating it to you isn't very fair.

Skintmama

Hi Gazza, I am sorry that I cannot offer you advice on what to do other than to suggest that you talk to someone independent from both sides on this. The situation sounds complicated by you sounding rather afraid of your parents which I find very sad actually. If you go to the Relate website I think that you can talk to someone online or by telephone. This might help you to decide what you want to do and how to go about it.
I hope that it works out rather better than you are imagining. By the way it is great that you have found that special someone who is good for you :-)

duchy

I had a close relative who was very critical I basically retrained them. As soon as they were negative I'd make an excuse and end the call. Eventually the penny dropped and the calls got longer. As a child you had to defer to them ,as an adult you don't have to. You certainly don't need to speak to anyone who may make you cry.

If they behave themselves in public then only see them in public places (eg do you really need to speak to them before the passing out .......and if they kick off on the phone "sorry Dad someone is at the door. See you Saturday . Bye"

RuthnJasper

You deserve to be happy with your lovely gf, Gazza. And, quite frankly, your father sounds like a bully.


You don't mention your mum's reactions to this. Is she embarrassed by her husband's taunts and attitude? I think I would be.


I like Duchy's idea of cutting off the minute goading starts. You don't have to put up with it and your gf certainly doesn't.


I know it's a bit old-fashioned, but have you thought about writing your father a letter explaining how you feel (not an email, an old, through the post letter)? It can help to set things out in a calm, concise and clear way, keeping to the facts and being polite. And sometimes seeing things written down like that can be a bit of a wake-up call.


It could be that your father thinks he's "just being me" and has no idea of the hurt he's actually causing (possibly not, but I have heard of this happening with others in the past).


If he fails to respond to you, or continues with nastiness, I would say that you tried your best and keep contact to a civil but mere minimum. I would favour loyalty to the girlfriend. After all, not only does she make you happy, but she isn't the one taking snide pot-shots at you.


Good luck. I hope you will be happy, whatever you decide to do. x

makingplans4nigel

Sounds a bit like my dad... I used to get really upset and wound up by my dad's criticism of me and everyone else in the family, my o/h, my sister and her o/h, my nephews, and it would make me anxious visiting or speaking to my folks. I too live in London and see my folks around 2/3 times a year. I found that challenging him each time his comments were outright offensive and inappropriate was by far the best solution. He now is far more considerate to those around him, rather than letting himself run off his thoughts and upset everyone around him. It now feels like a role reversal and I'm the responsible adult keeping him in check. I also get on with my family, especially my dad better than ever before.

Good luck!

pigpen

Have you not told your dad not to be so rude to her and that while he doesnt have to like her he should at least be civil for your sake!

I spent several days last week biting my tongue so as not to offend OH's family.. but it wasn't pleasant for anyone and OH was very much in the middle as you are.

Just tell him to shut up and back off and make it clear he is the reason you have limited contact etc.

elsien

You don't have to accept being scolded. Or stay on the phone long enough to end up in tears. You're no longer a child. Although avoiding them, while understandable, isn't the most mature way of dealing with the issue.
I'd suggest writing but you don't have time for that before Thursday. So how about a conversation where you set some ground rules at the start.
You're sorry you've not been in touch but you needed a bit of time to think things through. You love them, you want to have a good relationship with them but one where they accept you and your choices as an adult.
Maybe your dad doesn't mean to be offensive bit doesn't know any other way to relate to you. Or maybe he is having a go. Either way if you let it go on, he will continue to think it's ok.
Then you and GF need to decide how to tackle comments together. She shouldn't expect to stay silent and have you pick up the pieces. It is possible to be assertive without being rude.

pmlindyloo

Gazzafatcityboy wrote: »

I don’t know really where to start but here goes…..

I’m 34 and live with my gf. We rent a small studio in London and we both enjoy living there, it’s basically above a family who we do regularly interact with. They are like my family really. They are very supportive and do not judge me too much.

The relationship between me and my family with my gf is a little strained. I get along with my brothers and all, you know we grew up together and they have no issues really. I think that I haven’t been as close as I should be but I think that’s kind of expected with all of us having other halves. My older and younger brother are married, my youngest brother is still at uni just about to graduate.

My gf and parents just don’t get on, her and my father especially. My father is a difficult person to deal with really. He seems to upset my girlfriend on multiple occasions by the insensitive things he says to her. Every time we have been together with him I have to deal with the fall out of the family. Normally my dad will say something insensitive and she doesn’t know how to deal with it, to the extent she doesn’t want to answer back to him. I mean that’s the way that she is brought up. Then normally for about a week she’s upset and then we go back to normal.

The last time that happened was at Christmas and I haven’t spoken to my parents since, I have changed my number turned it to airplane mode most of the time and given various excuses not to speak to them. Of course I care about them but there are a few things stopping me from speaking to them.

• My father is overly critical… he always criticised me regarding everything I do. From the way I work to the way I am weight wise, the way I dress and he is a serial complainer. The longer I leave talking to him then the longer I get worried on how he reacts
• My gf, I’m not exaggerating here but she is the best thing that has happened to me. When I was a single man, although I enjoyed myself it was in the wrong way. I would constantly be tired, I gambled my life to an oblivion and never really saw a future. She has now changed me for the better… I do watch my money, I do see a future and I recently got a new job in a very prestigious company ( they pay me close to six figures) she has also helped me in sorting out my finances.
• They have helped me before with my finances (my parents) and as far as they are aware me and the gf are saving to buy a place in London. This is partly true but I still have about 10k worth of debt from gambling which they don’t know about. My gf knows about this and she supports me in terms of paying it off, I will pay it all off by the end of this year in addition to selling my old house which I rent out.(this is part of the basis for deposit on my new place once I pass my work probation)

It feels like I have to choose right now which is wrong.. I don’t want to have to deal with her not getting on with my father yet I want to repair the relationship I have with my parents.

On the other hand the relationship she has with her parents is actually really good… They aren’t complicated people, they lead a simple life. They work and that’s about it. They don’t seem to be critical with my gf either.

The main thing is how to repair the relationship with my parents? I want to call them today but am scared about the scolding they are going to give me and I don’t want to break down in tears either…

We are all meeting up with the whole family on Thursday for my youngest brothers passing out parade at uni. However I want to sort out talking to them before then so it wont be awkward. I mean it will be since I haven’t spoken to them for four months but, I want to clear the air a bit before then.

Please help as I have been losing sleep over this as of late and I don’t know who really to talk to.

Gazza

'I want to call them today but am scared about the scolding they are going to give me and I don't want to break down in tears either'

This is really the heart of the matter.

You are 34 years old and. forgive me, but are you are going to have to 'grow a pair'.

It is time to make your parents understand that you are a grown man and will not tolerate bad manners towards your girl friend.

There is no need to make a song and dance about it. Just telephone them and tell them you are looking forward to seeing them. If they start talking about why you haven't been in touch etc etc then you need to say that you have been thinking about how to deal with your girl friend not being able to deal with dad's 'funny ways' - how he is super critical about everything and everyone. Just say that it makes things awkward. Tell your dad that you know that it is how he is but your girl friend is getting upset. Tell them you love them but could dad tome it down a bit.

After that you will have to wait and see how things go and then make a decision about how you can all move forward.

Problem is many parents never see their child as anything other than their son/daughter and to that end they think they can say what they like for ever.

You have to change that attitude.

Of course your dad shouldn't be critical of your girlfriend to her face and she either has to deal with this herself by ignoring him or make her feelings known that she thinks he is being rude.

A difficult one, but in the end it is your dad that has to change or you both have to find a way to deal with his remarks and not let them upset you to keep the family relationship together.

I have a feeling that if you display a bit more 'backbone' then things might get resolved one way or another.

Good luck!!

Gazzafatcityboy

All,

Thank you for all the lovely responses… I’m sitting on a bench just outside my work enjoying the sunshine eating the lovely packed lunch that my GF made me last night reading your responses.

Its actually made me more emotional and I feel like crying but in a good way. I am 35 years old soon, plan to get married and all of you are all right I don’t need to deal with this BS.

My mum obviously knows about the situation and I feel for her. She’s said before unless your dad changes then all of his sons will not come back home and I think she is right in that regard.

So ive decided to do the following.

I will ring up my parents tonight or tomorrow and set out the following:

• I will ring them once a week to see how they are getting on
• I will keep them upto date in terms of house buying and my job (separate topic)
• I wanted them to support me in what I do with no judgement
• Realise that without my GF I would be in the proverbial and that is not an exaggeration.
• If I want their opinion I will ask for it.

Hopefully this will help build the bridges that I have broken.

In terms of my GF, yes she needs to be a bit more assertive and I will work on that. She is a little timid sometimes and she needs to be able to hold her own with my father. I am going to add here that we are Chinese
and it is frowned upon to speak back to your parents and all.

pigpen

Gazzafatcityboy wrote: »

I am going to add here that we are Chinese
and it is frowned upon to speak back to your parents and all.

And that is the problem.. Your dad is no doubt of one of the last generations where the older generation are put on a pedestal in a very patriarchal culture.. the daughter-in-law is the lowest member of the family and there to care for her husbands family as they age.. I have some Chinese friends and they are very much the same..

There were some very difficult times as the children grew up within UK society and culture and rebelled or confronted the Chinese culture of the parents. the youngest of 4 daughters, my friend utterly refused to get married.. that was probably her greatest offence. Her older 3 sister were married to close cousins.. (10-15 years older than you) so things are changing and becoming less traditional.. in a way it is sad but it is resulting in difficult situations like yours!

You need to take the lead here and set out the rules to protect your gf from your dads rudeness.. growing a pair.. as has been said, is the way forward.. so long as he is allowed to get away with it he will continue.