Seeing my Dad for the first time in almost 20 years.

Pollycat

Cardew wrote: »

You of course have had 20 years to reach out to him!

Maybe so but given the bits in bold, I can understand why the OP wouldn't want to reach out to her Father.

RandomOne wrote: »

My Dad was a violent alcoholic when i was a child (violent to my Mum, not us children) and we were always scared of him and his temper.
When i was 7, my Mum and Dad divorced and we went to live with Mum. I had sporadic contact with him up until i had my 1st child, 20 years ago, when i told him that i no longer wanted him to turn up on my doorstep unannounced, drunk.

RandomOne
I do hope your meeting goes well and that he hasn't got a hidden agenda for getting in touch with you.

TBagpuss

I hope it goes smoothly.

Remember that you don't owe him anything, including any information about your life or family.

Think about what *you* want from the meeting - do you have questions you need answers to, or anything you want to say to him? (You don't need to tell us, but think about it so you you're clear about what you are hoping for from the meeting)

Don't let him bounce you into agreeing to further meetings or contact - even if you would be open to further contact if it turns out that he is no longer drinking, or even if he wishes to apologise, it would be entirely reasonable for you to tell him that you need some time to consider before responding.

I hope it goes smoothly.

TBagpuss

is it possible that he is attending Alcoholics Anonymous? Isn't one of their 12 steps about identifying people you've harmed and making amends? I guess that's the most optimistic possibility!

Dill

I hope it goes ok today. I can empathize, because like others on here I also had a violent father, though not an alcoholic (I refer to him as my begetter rather than my father!) who I met briefly when I was a teenager, and while I don't wish him any ill, I have no wish to see him again. If (heaven forbid) he were to contact me and ask to meet up I would want to decline.

My only regret or sadness is that through his behaviour I lost contact with my grandfather (his father) who I know would have loved to see me, but who died many years ago now.

RandomOne

Thank you all. It went reasonably well.
He is still drinking.

Just going to work now, will update more when I get home this evening.

RandomOne

Hi Everyone. Sorry for the wait.

So, it went OK. He still drinks, but i suspected this anyway.

To be honest, i kind of felt sorry for him more than anything. He wasn't as i remembered, and i wasn't scared of him.

Katgrit

RandomOne wrote: »

To be honest, i kind of felt sorry for him more than anything. He wasn't as i remembered, and i wasn't scared of him.

I'm so glad to read this post. Even if, going forward, you don't feel you are able to have a functioning relationship with him, or for whatever reason it doesn't work out, you have gained something very important from your meeting. You are no longer scared of him......his power over you has gone. Hopefully this will help heal scars of the past. If nothing else comes of it that's a great result. :-)
Hooray! xx

Primrose

Yes, hopefully a satisfactory outcome for you if it has answered some questions and also laid some fears to rest. You now will hopefully have some time and space to mull over things in your mind and decide in the light any new information how you want to handle this relationship going forward.

The important thing is that many of your unanswered questions may now have been answered and if something now happens to him you will not endlessly be asking yourself questions that can never be answered.

It was a brave move to decide to see him again and I hope you feel it was worth doing.