Seeing my Dad for the first time in almost 20 years.

pigpen

I'd have said no..


If he is not the dad you remember he is not your dad.. people dont change.. (I am a cynical winnie though )

I broke contact with my dad 11 years ago.. I see him very occasionally I have no relationship with him.. nor do my children..

If he makes you anxious just from a message I'd say you are not in a place to deal with anything he might say.. The probability is he is dying so if you need to give him the opportunity to say what? He's sorry? for what? It is just a word with no meaning..

Only you can decide whether it is the right decision and if you could live with the consequences of your actions whatever you decide.

RandomOne

Primrose wrote: »

If when you've had enough time with him, make sure it,s you who takes the initiative to draw the meeting to a close.

Don't be pressurised to fix another meeting unless instinctively it feels the right thing to do.

Perhaps tell him the meeting has raised a lot of issues for you to think about and you need time to mull them over in your head and sort your thoughts out. This will allow YOU to remain in control of the process. And keep up any future meetings in a neutral environment until you are completely convinced you would feel comfortable with him knowing where you live or being in your home.

Can you correspond by email if necessary which doesn't reveal your home location?

You have to be convinced for his reasons for so long an absence even if you were the one who told him to stay away. I would have expected a parent to at least try to maintain minimum contact, even if it were only by letter.

I am not sure he uses email, my brother seems to think he isnt very tech savvy or even owns a computer. But if he does, i think this would be a great idea. Thanks.
I am not sure there will be any future meetings with him, i guess that depends on what is said when we meet tomorrow.

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

I'd say go with an open mind. You don't have to let him back in your heart or your head, just hear what he has to say and then go away and digest.

As said, you don't have to arrange another meeting, in fact you don't have to communicate again with the man.

Maybe he has an illness, maybe he had a scare, maybe he has sobered up and feels guilt, maybe he is still a drunk and wants to turn up at your house like the past, or maybe he wants to mend the heartache he's caused you in the past.

Don't be scared, you let go of him 5 years ago mentally, he can't touch you now. Tomorrow is just an answer to a question

Thank you. I am trying to remember that we are both different people now. Even if he is still an abusive drunk, i dont have to put up with him in my life. If he isn't an abusive drunk...well, i dont know who he is. My Dad (to me) is an abusive drunk, so anything other than that is unknown to me. I'm not altogether sure i am making sense!

pigpen wrote: »

I'd have said no..


If he is not the dad you remember he is not your dad.. people dont change.. (I am a cynical winnie though )

I broke contact with my dad 11 years ago.. I see him very occasionally I have no relationship with him.. nor do my children..

If he makes you anxious just from a message I'd say you are not in a place to deal with anything he might say.. The probability is he is dying so if you need to give him the opportunity to say what? He's sorry? for what? It is just a word with no meaning..

Only you can decide whether it is the right decision and if you could live with the consequences of your actions whatever you decide.

Thanks. Yes, i think it would be worse for me if he were dying, as i would feel that he only approached me because he felt he had to. Nothing he can do or say will change the past, so i really dont know what to expect.

I can't sleep, i am mulling over all the possible scenarios in my head, and trying to remind myself that he doesn't know me, and cannot expect anything from me.

I want it to be over. Partly because i am curious about him. I have thought about him on and off over the years, but never thought that I'd see him again.

kingfisherblue

My father was an alcoholic and we left our home town due to domestic violence in the 1970s. I was still in primary school.


My life since then hasn't been easy at times, but it has been a lot happier. I found out last year that he died over ten years ago.


I saw him once in that time. My sister had contact with him, but I chose not to. I have no regrets. He wasn't somebody that I wanted to associate with, much less acknowledge as being related to me.


My dad was the man my mum later married. Although he has since passed away as well, he was the man who gave me away at my wedding, the man who was granddad to my children, the man who supported me when I needed it, the man who was, in my eyes, my dad.


Only you know what is best for you and your family, OP, but for me, breaking all contact and moving on was definitely the right decision for me.


Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

pigpen

Id be very careful to not get drawn into his life! .. He might not be dying, he might want money, or a liver transplant!! Have those possibilities crossed your mind.?

I'd be careful to not let him have your address in case he starts 'turning up' unannounced!!

I'd still say if you are anxious and losing sleep this might not be the right decision!

RandomOne

kingfisherblue wrote: »

My father was an alcoholic and we left our home town due to domestic violence in the 1970s. I was still in primary school.


My life since then hasn't been easy at times, but it has been a lot happier. I found out last year that he died over ten years ago.


I saw him once in that time. My sister had contact with him, but I chose not to. I have no regrets. He wasn't somebody that I wanted to associate with, much less acknowledge as being related to me.


My dad was the man my mum later married. Although he has since passed away as well, he was the man who gave me away at my wedding, the man who was granddad to my children, the man who supported me when I needed it, the man who was, in my eyes, my dad.


Only you know what is best for you and your family, OP, but for me, breaking all contact and moving on was definitely the right decision for me.


Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thank you. I have never formed close relationships with any men, and i really believe it's because of the unresolved issues with my dad. My Mum remarried (another drunk abusive!) and by the time she left him, i had left home.
As a grown woman, i had a relationship which ended as me with a single parent. I've not had a relationship since. That was over 10 years ago. I find it very difficult to trust men. I don't like men who drink at all.

pigpen wrote: »

Id be very careful to not get drawn into his life! .. He might not be dying, he might want money, or a liver transplant!! Have those possibilities crossed your mind.?

I'd be careful to not let him have your address in case he starts 'turning up' unannounced!!

I'd still say if you are anxious and losing sleep this might not be the right decision!

He is/was a functional alcoholic, owns his own home etc, so it wouldn't be money he is after.
If it was a liver, he would have asked pretty much anyone except me i think. And i think my brother would have mentioned it.

But yes, these thoughts had crossed my mind. I think every possibility has crossed my mind.

He definitely won't be having my address.

iammumtoone

Have you thought about contacting him and telling him you are not ready for a face to face meeting yet but are prepared to read a letter if he wants to write to you first with his reasons for wanting contact now.

Could you get the letter via your brother? You then have chance to read and digest it in your own space and time before you decided if you want to take the next step of seeing him.

If he is unprepared to write a letter, then there is your answer.

For your own protection I would say something along the lines of you will give him x amount of time to write this letter, if you don't receive it by then, anything received after that won't be opened. You don't want to leave yourself in the situation where you are forever waiting/wondering if he will write.

RandomOne

iammumtoone wrote: »

Have you thought about contacting him and telling him you are not ready for a face to face meeting yet but are prepared to read a letter if he wants to write to you first with his reasons for wanting contact now.

Could you get the letter via your brother? You then have chance to read and digest it in your own space and time before you decided if you want to take the next step of seeing him.

If he is unprepared to write a letter, then there is your answer.

For your own protection I would say something along the lines of you will give him x amount of time to write this letter, if you don't receive it by then, anything received after that won't be opened. You don't want to leave yourself in the situation where you are forever waiting/wondering if he will write.

Thanks iammumtoone.

Despite my nerves and apprehension, i do want to meet him today. If only to find out what he wants.
By meeting him today, i won't be wondering what he wants, why he decided to meet me NOW instead of at some point over the last 20 years..i can ask him those things today.

Mrshaworth2b

I'm going to say this because I can see my myself in your posts, you say you let him go 5 years ago but reading your posts about not being able to sleep, maybe you haven't fully let go. I say that because he seems to having some effect on you.

If you go today please don't let him draw you in, hear what he has to say and then go home and digest it but keep it all on your terms. Only after your meeting will you know where it goes from there.

Gavin83

RandomOne wrote: »

Thanks iammumtoone.

Despite my nerves and apprehension, i do want to meet him today. If only to find out what he wants.
By meeting him today, i won't be wondering what he wants, why he decided to meet me NOW instead of at some point over the last 20 years..i can ask him those things today.

There's also the possibility he's only just stopped drinking so therefore felt this was a good time to make contact as he knew full well there was little point while he was still drinking.

I would have thought if he was dying your brother would have said something.

Cardew

RandomOne wrote: »

I have so many questions for him, but the main one is: Why now? He has had 20 years to reach out to me, but why only now? .

You of course have had 20 years to reach out to him!