Seeing my Dad for the first time in almost 20 years.

RandomOne

I've re- registered as a new user for this.

My Dad was a violent alcoholic when i was a child (violent to my Mum, not us children) and we were always scared of him and his temper.
When i was 7, my Mum and Dad divorced and we went to live with Mum. I had sporadic contact with him up until i had my 1st child, 20 years ago, when i told him that i no longer wanted him to turn up on my doorstep unannounced, drunk.

So apart from last year at my brothers wedding (he and my brother still stay in contact), i hadn't seen him, spoken to him or had any contact, since then.

Then last week i had a message on my answerphone from him, asking how i was, and that he often thinks about me.
After a very awkward conversation, we arranged to meet tomorrow evening.

I dont know how i feel, apart from very scared and nervous.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice?

RandomOne

I dont even know what he wants.
I was wondering if he is dying or something, and thats why he got in contact after all these years.

i am scared to see him again, but also curious.

Kim_kim

Is he still drinking?

RandomOne

I'm not sure. I think so. My brother has weekly contact with him and says that he isn't violent anymore. He was married to a wonderful woman up until recently, and no domestic violence in that relationship.

But i cant always trust what my brother tells me about him, as he sees him through rose tinted glasses a lot of the time, and tried to ignore what has happened in the past.

Kim_kim

RandomOne wrote: »

I'm not sure. I think so. My brother has weekly contact with him and says that he isn't violent anymore. He was married to a wonderful woman up until recently, and no domestic violence in that relationship.

But i cant always trust what my brother tells me about him, as he sees him through rose tinted glasses a lot of the time, and tried to ignore what has happened in the past.

Don't let him be a bad thing in your life.

Maybe you should ask him how long he's been dry for.

RandomOne

It's funny, as soon as i heard his voice on the answerphone message,i felt like that scared child again.

But we are both 20 years older, and i dont want to feel that way when i meet him.

There is no point in asking how long he's been dry for,if he is still drinking. Besides, i don't know if i want to have a relationship with him.

Kim_kim

RandomOne wrote: »

It's funny, as soon as i heard his voice on the answerphone message,i felt like that scared child again.

But we are both 20 years older, and i dont want to feel that way when i meet him.

There is no point in asking how long he's been dry for,if he is still drinking. Besides, i don't know if i want to have a relationship with him.

I think there is, it kinda sets the ground rules to him.

But don't be pressured by him.

If he's drinking or going to start drinking again, he'll bring grief & heartache.
If he's stopped & stays stopped, he still might not bring anything you haven't managed without.

Primrose

Understand why you feel nervous
Are you meeting in a public place in case things get difficult
If he has a wonderful wife now maybe she has been trying to persuade him to heal the breaches of the past or perhaps he has been diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness and wants to try and right past wrongs. Or maybe his wonderful life has left him and he wants to rediscover and rebuild his family roots.

You can only go with an open mind and perhaps a few quesrions to ask? Such as:
Why now?
What prevented the reproachment years ago?
What does he expect to gain from the reunion?
How does he regard you these days in his own mind?

I'm sure once you start talking the conversation will gradually begin to flow more easily but don't set your i itial expectations too high.
You could ask what he expected the reunion to achieve and why.
Also try to clarify in your own mind what it would mean for you having a relationship with your father again if his habits have truly reformed. You have managed many years without having him in your life.
Have you felt the emotional gap or will a renewed relarionship with him add anything to your "wholeness" as a human being?
Remember that it is often after our parents are dead and gone that we think of all the questions we never had an opportunity to ask them but which will then have to remain unanswered for ever.
Can you live with those unanswered questions. Is there another side to the story which perhaps as a child you never knew or understood ?
It may be worth trying to find out.

Good luck!

RandomOne

Kim_kim wrote: »

I think there is, it kinda sets the ground rules to him.

But don't be pressured by him.

If he's drinking or going to start drinking again, he'll bring grief & heartache.
If he's stopped & stays stopped, he still might not bring anything you haven't managed without.

Thanks Kim. I think i am just going to have to see what happens, and determine if he is still drinking.

Primrose wrote: »

Understand why you feel nervous
Are you meeting in a public place in case things get difficult
If he has a wonderful wife now maybe she has been trying to persuade him to heal the breaches of the past or perhaps he has been diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness and wants to try and right past wrongs. Or maybe his wonderful life has left him and he wants to rediscover and rebuild his family roots.

You can only go with an open mind and perhaps a few quesrions to ask? Such as:
Why now?
What prevented the reproachment years ago?
What does he expect to gain from the reunion?
How does he regard you these days in his own mind?

I'm sure once you start talking the conversation will gradually begin to flow more easily but don't set your i itial expectations too high.
You could ask what he expected the reunion to achieve and why.
Also try to clarify in your own mind what it would mean for you having a relationship with your father again if his habits have truly reformed. You have managed many years without having him in your life.
Have you felt the emotional gap or will a renewed relarionship with him add anything to your "wholeness" as a human being?
Remember that it is often after our parents are dead and gone that we think of all the questions we never had an opportunity to ask them but which will then have to remain unanswered for ever.
Can you live with those unanswered questions. Is there another side to the story which perhaps as a child you never knew or understood ?
It may be worth trying to find out.

Good luck!

Thanks Primrose. I spent years thinking about him, wondering why he didnt get in touch. Then about 5 years ago i settled it in my mind, that he was never going to be part of my life again. That was (i thought|) a fact, and i moved on.
Even though, i still would think of him and wonder how he was doing.

Yes, we are meeting in a public place. He wanted to come to my house, but i said no. I don't want him knowing where i live, incase he starts turning up drunk like he used to do.

So we are meeting in a coffee shop. It's in the town where he lives, which i am comfortable with.

I have so many questions for him, but the main one is: Why now? He has had 20 years to reach out to me, but why only now? Which leads me to believe that he must be ill.

I am not sure how I'd feel about that either. I don't want him trying to rebuild a relationship with me just because he doesn't think he'll have another chance.

Primrose

If when you've had enough time with him, make sure it,s you who takes the initiative to draw the meeting to a close.

Don't be pressurised to fix another meeting unless instinctively it feels the right thing to do.

Perhaps tell him the meeting has raised a lot of issues for you to think about and you need time to mull them over in your head and sort your thoughts out. This will allow YOU to remain in control of the process. And keep up any future meetings in a neutral environment until you are completely convinced you would feel comfortable with him knowing where you live or being in your home.

Can you correspond by email if necessary which doesn't reveal your home location?

You have to be convinced for his reasons for so long an absence even if you were the one who told him to stay away. I would have expected a parent to at least try to maintain minimum contact, even if it were only by letter.

Mrshaworth2b

I'd say go with an open mind. You don't have to let him back in your heart or your head, just hear what he has to say and then go away and digest.

As said, you don't have to arrange another meeting, in fact you don't have to communicate again with the man.

Maybe he has an illness, maybe he had a scare, maybe he has sobered up and feels guilt, maybe he is still a drunk and wants to turn up at your house like the past, or maybe he wants to mend the heartache he's caused you in the past.

Don't be scared, you let go of him 5 years ago mentally, he can't touch you now. Tomorrow is just an answer to a question