How to encourage partner to become a MSE??

Pollycat

DivenParker wrote: »

Good philosophy! I guess my boyfriend is a drug addict in denial too then

You're a little late to the party with this ^^^ comment:

kate5555 wrote: »

Good philosophy! I guess my boyfriend is a drug addict in denial too then :rotfl:

^^^ this was posted yesterday.

Why are you copying other people's posts?

suki1964

Pollycat wrote: »

You're a little late to the party with this ^^^ comment:

^^^ this was posted yesterday.

Why are you copying other people's posts?

Spammer, look at the first post it made

kate5555

Thanks everyone, it's useful to hear how different couples manage their joint finances, I didn't really expect their to be a typical or 'right' way, I just didn't think our situation was all that unusual. My concerns about pooling all our savings were that we are going to want to spend on different things, but of course the solution is to discuss and compromise - writing my last post late last night I failed to see the obvious.


Just for info, I am 27, he is 15 years older than me and we have been together for almost 5 years. He has made mistakes and seems to have lived most of his life before me just enjoying the moment and not thinking about the future or about what he really wants out of life. However he has changed since we have been together and is starting to become more responsible and focussed on our future together, although it is a bit of a long process with ups and downs and I can't help but want to speed him along a bit. Yes he is a man child and I'm sure some people reading this (and maybe some we know in real life too) are thinking "why on earth is she with him?" but I haven't found anyone before who makes me as happy as he does.


I am taking on board all comments about different attitudes to finances putting a strain on marriage, and that everything would be split 50/50 in the event of divorce (I'm not sure either how I thought I could 'protect myself', it was one of those notions you get in your head without really thinking about it). As I've previously said, I'm not looking to get into a discussion about whether I should be with him or not, but this thread has made me realise I do need to be completely sure that I could cope with his attitude to money for the rest of my life if he doesn't change.


Last night I asked him if he thought he could increase his monthly savings to £300 and he immediately agreed. At some point I will get us to sit down together and figure out where each of our £400-500 'allowance' each month is going - I'm sure it would be useful for him also to understand where my money is going as I think he believes I spend much more than him as I spend more on clothes, beauty, outings with friends etc.

heartbreak_star

Me and OH don't pool finances but I think we're in the minority. It works for us, however - you just have to talk and agree on what works for you. Good luck!

HBS x

makingplans4nigel

When I gave up smoking and weed within a few weeks I was able to pay off all my credit card debt and for the first time ever booked myself a holiday with my own money. I started a savings account and easily put away £300/400 per month. I occasionally miss being in a stoned stupor but my lifestyle changed almost overnight.

I hope it works out for you both, I gave up weed when I was 35, there's a time and a place for that sort of thing.

TBagpuss

kate5555 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your responses and I guess reading back I do seem like a bit of a control freak trying to tell him what not to spend his money on! I am trying to not bully him though, just encourage him to think about OUR future together. I worry I may end up doing the lions share of supporting us and our potential family later on because I am the one thinking about the future now while he lives for the moment. I suppose I have to remember that being in a relationship is about supporting each other no matter what.

It's just a bit frustrating sometimes because I pay a larger proportion of the shared bills and have been saving alone for the last year for a deposit on our first house together, and would forego nights out to save money while he is still going out. The only reason he saves every month is because I set up a standing order to a savings account for him (he doesn't even know his online banking password and asks me to check for him!)

I don't think you can make him *want* to be more money saving, and it may be that for him, small treats evey week are more importnat thn big ticket treats less frequently.

However, it sounds as though he is happy to pay his way and to save, so maybe focus on that side ofthings - discuss with him what your aims as a couple are for (say) saving for a house and whether he would be happy to set up a regular standing order to that savings 'pot'

You couldalso talk to him abotu ways of trying to ensure that you both stick to savings plans. It may be that this would invovle relaxing our sabings targets a little so that he has a little more disposable income each month, but you could discuss with hmi what othr options might work forhim.

For instance, I have always kept separate accounts becuae I find it ieasier to manage - it sounds as though you already do that in terms of paying a lump sum each month or bills, but you could consider whether a further division would help (I have separate accounts for different types of savignsd, for instance, so that relatively short term savings for things like holidays are separate to longer term savings.

If he has trouble keping track of what he has left he might find it useful to take out a set amount each week and use cash for most of his spending, rathert han running out at the end of the month.

It may be that you and he simply have diferent approaches to what your priorities are - if owning a house is a high priority or you thenyou may find that rather than tryingto change his habits, it's better for you as a couple that you do put more in for that, and then reflect that in a declaration of trust so that you own the property in unequal shares once you buy it.

I think if you try to have a conversation with him which i genuine dialog where you both listen to the other and to what the other wants, and sees as a priority, you may get on better than if it is (or comes across as ) you trying to get him to change to be more like you.

If you plan to get married then you can, to a degree, protect yourself if you have a pre-nup, and if you then review and update it periodically. (another advantage of that is that to get to the point when you can draw one up, you have to discuss, and think about, your different attitudes and expectations)

kate5555

Hello again,

Just wanted to give an update for anyone who's interested, especially as I had a surprise reading Martins latest email today when I noticed this thread was the 'Discussion of the Week'!

Thanks again to all of you who took the time to provide advice and your opinions. While we were (and still are!) very happy together, many people here did make me think that some things should change if we want to continue a lasting relationship together. We've had some more serious discussions since then about finances and future plans, whereas before i would avoid talking about it and just hope he would change somehow, so that is a huge positive to have come out of starting this thread.

The other biggest success is he is going to try to quit smoking weed completely!!! I told him how important it is to me not just for his health and wallet but also for our wish to start a family together and he agreed to try and quit completely. He finished the last of it on sunday, so it has only been a two days so far but fingers crossed!

We had a chat at the weekend and I went through our finances with him, explaining how much our bills are and what I spend my "personal" money on, then did the same for him. He had already agreed to increase his savings, leaving £400 for the rest of the month. His first estimate of his spending came out at £450 so we discussed ways he could reduce some expenses, such as taking a packed lunch, cycling to work and having one or two fewer nights out every month, but still allowing himself some treats. The reduced budget came out at £315! The surplus £85 is a margin which if not used he can either add to his savings or treat himself for having budgeted well. I should also note that when i got him to talk me through his monthly expenses, i found out that not all of his leftover money was "wasted on unneccessary luxuries" as I previously thought....I'm definitely eating some humble pie! :embarasse

The next step was to work out how he could stick to his budget. I think he didnt really know what budgeting was or how its done because he was surprised when I explained to him what I do to budget my money. I suggested Martins piggybank technique using cash so he can easily see how much he has left. He really liked the idea so now he has a set of old glass jars as his piggybanks and only takes out the cash when he needs it. It is a bit of a faff with change etc to keep the piggybanks right, but I think he likes the concept - he came home from the pub on Sunday and proudly told me he only spent £4 of the £20 he withdrew from his 'going out' piggybank while he was putting back the change! For the time being we have decided to keep our savings separate, as I think it will really give him a sense of pride when he looks at his savings and knows that amount is all due to him alone.

So to summarise a very lengthy post, thanks to the excellent support of you money saving experts, I think i may be on my way to teaching an old dog a few new tricks and because HE wants to as well! Youve also encouraged ME to make the effort to discuss with my partner more about things that concern me rather than nagging him to change or just ignoring the issue and hoping for the best. Hopefully these will be the first steps to a healthier and more successful long lasting relationship! Cheers all!