How to encourage partner to become a MSE??

Newly_retired

You could focus on what he could do with that money eg his hobbies or a holiday, maybe. What is he trying to save up for?
However you mention that you may be thinking of starting a family, which will impact severely on your finances, not only during your maternity leave, but for the next 18+ years!
If you are both serious about this, then after maybe a last carefree holiday or nights out, you may be able to use this as an incentive to reassess your family finances.

DomRavioli

OP, you seem intent in bullying him into doing what you want him to do, not what he wants to do.

You cannot force, coerce or otherwise emotionally blackmail someone into seeing your point of view - it will have the opposite effect.

Maybe have a chat with him about where his money is going - but the main point is it is HIS money, and HE can do what he likes with it. You may have different views on that, but it is his, not yours.

missbiggles1

kate5555 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place to post this and sorry if this turns into a long winded rant!

I was just wondering if anyone had any tips on how to encourage a partner to learnt to manage their money better? Surely there must be some people on this board with non MSE partners - do you just let them do their own thing or tried to get them to change their ways - if so, how???

I consider myself pretty good with my money, budgeting and saving as much as I can. I live with my partner and I am in charge of arranging all household bills etc - he pays me a lump sum to roughly cover shared expenses, a standing order to his own savings account, and he is left with around £500 which he can do what he wants with. I think this is plenty but he never has money left over and sometimes has to dip into his savings to get him to the end of the month. To me, most of this money is pretty much wasted every month - it seems to go on nights out, smoking (of the regular and grass variety), clothes, lunch at work and 'treat' food which I make him buy himself (he has an expensive taste for seafood) etc.

We are by no means in a bad situtation but I would really like to encourage him to understand where his leftover money is being spend (wasted) and plan for future spending a bit more. I just can't seem to get him interested. I use YNAB for budgeting and recording transactions but I am sure there is no way he could be bothered to do that. I would also love to get him to have a look at the useful advice on MSE but he doesn't really like to read, especially as his first language is not English.

I may be asking the impossible but is there anyway I can get him to WANT to be better with money? I have tried explaining to him how I manage my money but I am a bit of a nerd about this stuff (daughter of two accountants :cool:) so maybe something simpler would be better but I don't really know where to begin!

If it's designated as money to do what he wants with then that's what you have to let him do.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to try to change someone who you're in a relationship with, you're supposed to love them for who they are.

(I'd make an exception with encouraging him to give up smoking (fags) but for his health and not for financial reasons.)

emmatthews

If you're thinking of having a family, I'd leave him to enjoy spending his surplus money whilst he can.

Having children will change finances anyway once you budget for maternity/paternity leave, childcare and/or reduction in hours & all the multi coloured plastic stuff that you'll buy!

I am far more of a spender than my husband. He just leaves me to get on with it, he won't change me and doesn't try to. There's nothing that makes his attitude right and mine wrong anyway!

kate5555

Thanks everyone for your responses and I guess reading back I do seem like a bit of a control freak trying to tell him what not to spend his money on! I am trying to not bully him though, just encourage him to think about OUR future together. I worry I may end up doing the lions share of supporting us and our potential family later on because I am the one thinking about the future now while he lives for the moment. I suppose I have to remember that being in a relationship is about supporting each other no matter what.

It's just a bit frustrating sometimes because I pay a larger proportion of the shared bills and have been saving alone for the last year for a deposit on our first house together, and would forego nights out to save money while he is still going out. The only reason he saves every month is because I set up a standing order to a savings account for him (he doesn't even know his online banking password and asks me to check for him!)

kate5555

missbiggles1 wrote: »

If it's designated as money to do what he wants with then that's what you have to let him do.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to try to change someone who you're in a relationship with, you're supposed to love them for who they are.

(I'd make an exception with encouraging him to give up smoking (fags) but for his health and not for financial reasons.)

What about if you are trying to change them to help them? He is over 40 and has no assets, minimal savings, no pension fund and no real career progress. I am not saying that in a critical way but because I love him, I want him to be ok in his old age which I can't see that he would be if he continues like this and I wasn't there to support him. Yes I'm sure he would survive but he is used to a better quality of life than that would allow. Maybe I'm worrying too much about the future and should take a leaf out of his book and relax a bit more!

Goldiegirl

kate5555 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your responses and I guess reading back I do seem like a bit of a control freak trying to tell him what not to spend his money on! I am trying to not bully him though, just encourage him to think about OUR future together. I worry I may end up doing the lions share of supporting us and our potential family later on because I am the one thinking about the future now while he lives for the moment. I suppose I have to remember that being in a relationship is about supporting each other no matter what.

It's just a bit frustrating sometimes because I pay a larger proportion of the shared bills and have been saving alone for the last year for a deposit on our first house together, and would forego nights out to save money while he is still going out. The only reason he saves every month is because I set up a standing order to a savings account for him (he doesn't even know his online banking password and asks me to check for him!)

I was just wondering who is the higher earner.


If it's you, then it'd be expected that you'd pay more.


But, whoever is the higher earner, it's not fair that only one person in the partnership is saving for a future home and doesn't have nights out, while the other person is gaily spending whatever they want, with no apparent thought for the future.


I don't think you should be changing him, because change can't be forced on a person. Change only happens when the individual accepts a situation, and wants to change.


I think I'd sit down with him and have a serious talk about money and the future.


With regard to the current situation, I'd suggest to him, as you are equals, you both equally contribute.


For example, you both contribute an agreed percentage of your incomes to bills, a further percentage to savings for the house you want to buy, and the remaining percentage is for individual spending. I'd also be suggesting that the amount for personal spending is reduced, and the savings increased, in view of the proposed house purchase.


It's up to him how he reacts - he either realises he's a grownup, or he carries on like a teenager.


If it's the latter, to be honest, I'd seriously consider the future of the relationship. I wouldn't be willing to buy a house with someone who can't take responsibility... I'd be thinking that maybe the relationship wasn't right, and it's time to call it a day?

Pollycat

kate5555 wrote: »

What about if you are trying to change them to help them? He is over 40 and has no assets, minimal savings, no pension fund and no real career progress. I am not saying that in a critical way but because I love him, I want him to be ok in his old age which I can't see that he would be if he continues like this and I wasn't there to support him. Yes I'm sure he would survive but he is used to a better quality of life than that would allow. Maybe I'm worrying too much about the future and should take a leaf out of his book and relax a bit more!

40? WOW!
I thought he'd be a lot younger than that.
It sounds like he has a 'don't care as long as I have a 'bit' of money to spend' mentality and you are facilitating that by subbing him for holidays etc.
You may be flogging a dead horse if he's got to that age andthe penny hasn't dropped.

I think your best bet is to try incentivise him with what he (and both of you) could afford if he changed his attitude to spending & saving.

missbiggles1

kate5555 wrote: »

What about if you are trying to change them to help them? He is over 40 and has no assets, minimal savings, no pension fund and no real career progress. I am not saying that in a critical way but because I love him, I want him to be ok in his old age which I can't see that he would be if he continues like this and I wasn't there to support him. Yes I'm sure he would survive but he is used to a better quality of life than that would allow. Maybe I'm worrying too much about the future and should take a leaf out of his book and relax a bit more!

There's nothing you could do to help him more than to encourage him to give up smoking - saving money dwarfs into insignificance compared to this and it may end up solving all his retirement problems, but not in a good way.:(

Mojisola

kate5555 wrote: »

It's just a bit frustrating sometimes because I pay a larger proportion of the shared bills and have been saving alone for the last year for a deposit on our first house together, and would forego nights out to save money while he is still going out.

And you are still with him because ... ?

You are far more committed to this relationship than he is.