How to encourage partner to become a MSE??

kate5555

Well technically it is me buying the house, the mortgage and deeds are in my name alone and i will pay for the deposit myself. But we consider it as our house, and we are engaged so at some point down the line it will become our shared property.

We come from really different backgrounds, my parents have always encouraged me to save and have always had well paid careers while his mother has been living in a rented council for over 30 years and manages now on a state pension and help from her kids and other family members i believe. Maybe as his mother gets older he will realise he wants to be in a better position when he is her age but i have a sneaking suspicion that his retirement 'plan' is to win the lottery sometime in the next 25 years! To be fair on him though, ocassionally he is able to use his savings to help out his mum, and he also used some to buy me an engagement ring last year.

I sub him for holidays etc because i dont want him to have to pay credit card interest or rack up unmanageable debt, but maybe it might be a good thing to help him manage his money alone? He cant get a lot of credit anyway as he doesn't have much of a credit record (only been living in uk 3 years). Anyone have thoughts on whether this would be good or risky, and it would be too controlling if i nagged him to check regularly to make sure payments were up to date?

kate5555

Mojisola wrote: »

And you are still with him because ... ?

You are far more committed to this relationship than he is.

He brings a lot of happiness into my life that money cant buy. I get frustrated with the way he is sometimes but that doesn't mean i dont want to be with him.

Pollycat

I really don't think that nagging will work.
He has to want to change his spending habits.

If he doesn't want to - and tbh, from what you've explained about your life together, he doesn't really have any incentive to change - then he won't.
£500 PM disposable income, will be living in a house that he's not had to save to pay for, doesn't need to save for holidays because he knows his partner will help out.....

From where I'm standing, I'm with Mojisola:
what are you getting out of this relationship?

Domayne

Wondered how long it would be before someone would come along and tell you to leave him :rotfl:

Pollycat

Domayne wrote: »

Wondered how long it would be before someone would come along and tell you to leave him :rotfl:

Some people just like a more equal relationship than it sounds like the OP has.
I'm not sure who has suggested the OP leave him.......

Domayne

Pollycat wrote: »

Some people just like a more equal relationship than it sounds like the OP has.
I'm not sure who has suggested the OP leave him.......

Maybe it's equal for them in comparison to how much they both earn? She has already stated that he pays her money towards rent/bills and a certain amount saved (which we don't know if it's a low amount or could be more than his spending money for all we know)
The question was how to get him on board with saving more and to stop frittering money on what she sees as junk. Comments like 'why are you with him?' 'What are YOU getting out of this relationship' and 'You are more comitted to this relationship than he is' are neither useful or helpful, You don't know his level of commitment just because he can't save, He could contribute in tons of other ways than just financial!

Primrose

I'd try another tactic. Are you buying you own house? Does he have a pension?
I'd start talking "longer term" and persuade him that if further down the line he wants to start enjoying some of the benefits he might aspire to in later life, now is the time to start putting money away for them regularly. Once he can get used to having a monthly standing order to a savings account you may well find that the weed usage gets adjusted downwards accordingly.

Longer term your partner!s inability to handle money as sensibly as you do may well become a problem in your relationship and I would strongly recommend you start setting up some cash savings in your own name by taking advantage of your annual cash ISA allowance. Have you both set up an emergency savings fund in case of illness, redundancy etc? You should be aiming for a minimum of three months expenditure and preferably six months . Get talking to him about this before any more money gets spent on consumer items or smoking.

Pollycat

Domayne wrote: »

Maybe it's equal for them in comparison to how much they both earn? She has already stated that he pays her money towards rent/bills and a certain amount saved (which we don't know if it's a low amount or could be more than his spending money for all we know)
The question was how to get him on board with saving more and to stop frittering money on what she sees as junk. Comments like 'why are you with him?' 'What are YOU getting out of this relationship' and 'You are more comitted to this relationship than he is' are neither useful or helpful, You don't know his level of commitment just because he can't save, He could contribute in tons of other ways than just financial!

The post of mine you quoted was being typed as the OP posted the one below:

kate5555 wrote: »

He brings a lot of happiness into my life that money cant buy. I get frustrated with the way he is sometimes but that doesn't mean i dont want to be with him.

It seems she is prepared to put up with his lack of money management if she can't change him.
As I've already said, I can't see nagging him working.

Domayne

Well questions I'd wonder are how he reacts when OP says that she thinks he should save more....Does he agree and have good intentions but has a tendency to just 'fritter' without even realizing what he is doing? Does he get angry and say It's my money and I'll spend it how and on what I like? Is there some kind of suggestions that have been given to him already....How about cutting down from £500 to £400 a month and saving an extra £100 - He still gets almost £100 a week to 'fritter' on his wants but they have an extra £1200 saved at the end of the year....Putting it as £1200 to him might sound better than £100 when he sees the bigger numbers?
How about taking lunch to work on Mon-Thurs and treating himself on the Friday to a shop bought one?
I'm really bad at money management. It's taken me years of trying to master it and that is me wanting to do it for myself - If you are trying to make someone else do it when they have no idea where to start and feel 'hard done by' or just plain don't want to be MSE, You'll have a much harder time on your hands trying to make them see your way and no, nagging will not help. In fact it will probably just have the opposite affect!

kate5555

Domayne wrote: »

Maybe it's equal for them in comparison to how much they both earn? She has already stated that he pays her money towards rent/bills and a certain amount saved (which we don't know if it's a low amount or could be more than his spending money for all we know)
The question was how to get him on board with saving more and to stop frittering money on what she sees as junk. Comments like 'why are you with him?' 'What are YOU getting out of this relationship' and 'You are more comitted to this relationship than he is' are neither useful or helpful, You don't know his level of commitment just because he can't save, He could contribute in tons of other ways than just financial!

Exactly, I didn't start this thread for a discussion about whether I should be with him or not as I'm happy in the relationship so we can leave it at that.

My take home pay is around £2100, his is £1200 so he pays me £500 towards our roughly £1400 shared bills and I think that's fair, I am happy to pay a larger proportion relative to our incomes. I think I will suggest as per Domaynes later post that he might try and up his monthly savings from £200 to £300, and then try and bite my tongue about the rest of his spending. I probably spend close to £400 a month on unnecessary luxuries too so I shouldn't be judgemental about his spending.