How much power do women have regarding access over children in the UK?

Carl31

You will have parental responsibility, however this is not a guarantee of anything

Should you need legal intervention, the courts look into whats best for the child, whether that is actually for them to be with either parent is another matter.

If this is really a concern, you should speak to a family solicitor asap really, as cases will be different dependent on circusmtances of those involved, no one here can give you a definitive answer to your questions

It does sound, for some reason, that your Girlfriend does not see you as a priority at the moment for your child, imo

Pollycat

Carl31 wrote: »

It does sound, for some reason, that your Girlfriend does not see you as a priority at the moment for your child, imo

It could be that the girlfriend has got wind of the OP's plan to have a secret DNA test done in the child.

Seems very odd to be asking about custody in the event that the Mother dies when you're clearly unsure you really are the Father.

LannieDuck

applepicker wrote: »

What gives women the right to this much power

The 'power' doesn't lie with women, it lies with whoever's caring for the baby. If the baby's breastfed, that normally does mean that the woman is the primary carer, esp at the beginning.

But ultimately it depends on what's best for the baby. And what's best for baby is being with whichever parent does most of the day-in, day-out childcare.

Do you want to be the person (or one of the people) doing that?

TBagpuss

applepicker wrote: »

Have a baby with girlfriend, my name's on the birth certificate and I pay £300 a month for him. I don't really like some of the things she says though. She said that the other day that we should do out wills and that if she died she wanted her sister to look after the baby and that I would have full access. I was angry with this and said I should have him from the age of when he went to primary school.

You mention later on that she shares a home with her sister, she doesn't live with you. So she saying that if she died she would like the baby to continue to live with the surving person hee lives with now, and to continue to see you regualrly, as he does now. That doesn't seem unreasonable.

Obviously if that arangments for his care change in future then it will be reasonable for you each to update your wills as well. If, by the time he starts school, he is spending more time with you or his aunt no longer lives in the same houshouse then it might be appropriate for his mum to revise her will.

And if something were to happen to her, her exprression of wishes isn't automatically binding, and if, at that time, it was in your son's best interests for him to live with you then he could so so.

Also, her two other sisters are around 40 and will never have children of their own so my baby is basically shared by the three of them. I feel that at times when I want to see him my girlfriend says oh no such and such sister is taking him out.

How much notice are you givning? It is reasonable for you to vbe sepnsing time with him, it isn't reasonable to expect his mum and other family members to drop eveything and change plans at the last minute to cater to you. So if you and she have agreed that (for instnace) you have him eveny Wendsday, then it would be inappropriate for her to call you on Wednesday morning and tell you he wasn't available because his aunt was taking him out. However, if you ring up and say you want to pop by and see him, it is perfectly reasonable for her to tell you that is not conveneint because she's already made other plans. The obvious answer would be to talk to her about a regular routine for your son so you both know when he will be with you, and when with her.

As the father, shouldn't I have him when I want over girlfriend's sisters?

Not necessarily. See comments above

Another issue - could I ever win full custody of him?

Strictly speaking, no, as 'custody' doesn't exist any longer. However, it is perfetly possible for a child to live with his or her father rather than mother. Whether that could happen in your case would depend on the particular, individual circumstnaces. If you and Mum can't agree, ultimately a Court could be asked to decide, which they will do based on what they see as being in the best interests of you son. A change in residenc efrom one paretn to the other is inherently disruptive for a child so normally, for a change of residence to happen, there wouldneed to be a strong benefit to the child of the the move.

Recently my girlfriend's sister's dog bit me. The two sisters live together. And I have been really angry about it but my girlfriend wont let me go on about it. She keeps saying it was a small bite. It was moderate and bled and I could have gone to the police. I didn't but had it documented at A and E and GPs. Could I use this to have the baby live with me- of course if I tried this she would finally get rid of the dog-

Separate issue to the issues of conatact and residence. If you beliv ethat the dog presents a real threat you should be doing something about it now, to protect your child, not thinking of hoarding up information for a hypothetical future dispute.

If you turn up at a later stage and start saying "x months ago he was bitten" then the obnvious response would be to ask what you did about it at the time. If you didn't consider it sufficiently serius to take action about when it happened, why should you expect a court to consider it a valid reason for a change of residence motnhs or years later?

If you think the baby is at risk from the dog you need to address that now. If you don't, then don't pretend you do in order to try to manipulate the situation.

would she then be granted the child as a woman? (If I tried this of course our relationship would be strained.)

No, her being a woman is irrelevant. A court might well decide that she should continue to be the main carer, but it would be on the basis of what was in the baby's best interests, not on the basis of gender.

She has said also, when she's in very bad moods that I will never see him, but I don't think she meant it.


The whole situation with the badly trained dog is complicated, she wants to carry on living with sister (who pays half their mortgage on big house) and the dog (retriever) is the sister's substitute baby (as is my child I suspect) so is careful not to get too harsh on the dog situation with her sister. They are generally kept in different rooms though. I don't always trust the sister with the dog and she occasionally wants the dog to be a apart of things and let it in the room when the baby's on the floor.

So, you don't actually beilve she will stop you having contact. Good. If she did try to stop contact, you could apply for a order for cotnact. Cross that bridge if and when you come to it.

As far as the dog is concered, your child's safety should be your priority. if you genuinely think the dog presents a risk you need to be very clear about that, and to discuss with your ex what she, and the other adults involved, can do to ensure that the baby is never left unsupervised with the dog.

It seems that I have no power and that she verbally abuses me and doesn't listen because she has the baby and knows she can do anything to me because I don't want to not see my son. If we split up, access rights actually work, my friend it's a nightmare and his friend had to pay a lot and still couldn't see his kids as much as he likes.


What gives women the right to this much power and what can I do to help myself?

Try talking with your parter, working with rather than against her and aim for a situation where you waeachgrow up a bit and start to focus on your child, not on scoring points of each other.

Healthy relationships are not about power,

Before he was born she was always scared I would leave her and was much nicer.

Wow. So you're basically saying you were fine with the relationship wehn you were in control and she had to be 'nice' for fear you'd leave, but you can't cope with the fact that now you're in the position of having to be nice or potentially lose out on a relationship you want?

burlington6

Women want equal rights but when it come to children, they are quite happy with the way things are.

Men have never and will never have the same rights as the mother.

LannieDuck

burlington6 wrote: »

Women want equal rights but when it come to children, they are quite happy with the way things are.

Men have never and will never have the same rights as the mother.

Equal rights involves men sacrificing their careers in favour of raising their children - going part-time when children are small, leaving work at short notice when children are ill, working flexi-time to be at school pick-up. At the moment all of this still falls disproportionately on the mother.

I can assure you that women are in favour of equalising this.

And if the father is doing as much of the day-to-day childcare as the mother, he will have the same rights.

PeacefulWaters

LannieDuck wrote: »

Equal rights involves men sacrificing their careers in favour of raising their children - going part-time when children are small, leaving work at short notice when children are ill, working flexi-time to be at school pick-up. At the moment all of this still falls disproportionately on the mother.

I'd have willingly done all of this.

I can assure you that women are in favour of equalising this.

My soon to be ex-wife insisted on no work / part time work. So I had no choice.

And if the father is doing as much of the day-to-day childcare as the mother, he will have the same rights.

And if he's never given the option?

Pollycat

burlington6 wrote: »

Women want equal rights but when it come to children, they are quite happy with the way things are.

Men have never and will never have the same rights as the mother.

I'm not sure the OP really wants 'equal rights':

applepicker wrote: »

Have a baby with girlfriend, my name's on the birth certificate and I pay £300 a month for him. I don't really like some of the things she says though. She said that the other day that we should do out wills and that if she died she wanted her sister to look after the baby and that I would have full access. I was angry with this and said I should have him from the age of when he went to primary school. Also, her two other sisters are around 40 and will never have children of their own so my baby is basically shared by the three of them. I feel that at times when I want to see him my girlfriend says oh no such and such sister is taking him out.


As the father, shouldn't I have him when I want over girlfriend's sisters?


Another issue - could I ever win full custody of him? Recently my girlfriend's sister's dog bit me. The two sisters live together. And I have been really angry about it but my girlfriend wont let me go on about it. She keeps saying it was a small bite. It was moderate and bled and I could have gone to the police. I didn't but had it documented at A and E and GPs. Could I use this to have the baby live with me- of course if I tried this she would finally get rid of the dog- would she then be granted the child as a woman? (If I tried this of course our relationship would be strained.)


She has said also, when she's in very bad moods that I will never see him, but I don't think she meant it.


The whole situation with the badly trained dog is complicated, she wants to carry on living with sister (who pays half their mortgage on big house) and the dog (retriever) is the sister's substitute baby (as is my child I suspect) so is careful not to get too harsh on the dog situation with her sister. They are generally kept in different rooms though. I don't always trust the sister with the dog and she occasionally wants the dog to be a apart of things and let it in the room when the baby's on the floor.


It seems that I have no power and that she verbally abuses me and doesn't listen because she has the baby and knows she can do anything to me because I don't want to not see my son. If we split up, access rights actually work, my friend it's a nightmare and his friend had to pay a lot and still couldn't see his kids as much as he likes.


What gives women the right to this much power and what can I do to help myself?


(Would like to note that we are together, but girlfriend doesn't treat me great I suspect because she knows she has baby and that gives her the upper hand in our relationship!) Before he was born she was always scared I would leave her and was much nicer.

Why would the OP only want his son from the time he goes to primary school?

LannieDuck

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

And if he's never given the option?

I'm sorry that was the case. I'm in favour of equal rights for women in all aspects of life, including childcare. I'm sorry your ex wasn't.

Without wishing to divert the thread too far - if your ex insisted on part-time work, could you not have done the same but with offset hours? So you'd both have been working part time and both caring for the child part time?

gonzo127

LannieDuck wrote: »

I'm sorry that was the case. I'm in favour of equal rights for women in all aspects of life, including childcare. I'm sorry your ex wasn't.

Without wishing to divert the thread too far - if your ex insisted on part-time work, could you not have done the same but with offset hours? So you'd both have been working part time and both caring for the child part time?

unfortunately i think this situation is all to common, as i had the same position with my ex, she wanted to stop work and look after my daughter, even though she at the time had a better job than me and i wanted to stop work to look after my daughter, but being the mother i had no choice, and was then forced into another job that i didnt want to do, but paid better to make up the short fall in income.

saying that i used to do all the childcare when i was at home so that was ok, saying that it sometimes feel like i did everything when i was home as well, because i cooked, washed the pots, cleaned the house, did the gardening, all the driving all the food shopping etc etc, the only thing she did was the clothes washing and ironing, oh well that's another story entirely