Friendship after a relationship.

74jax

I'm friends with the majority of my exes. The one who broke my heart I had no contact with him for about 5 years, but then bumped into him and it was great to catch up, we talk a couple of times a year now - about his kid, his work, my family etc.

I think you should respect her wishes, but maybe drop her an email at Christmas, or birthday and let her know your around if she wants a catch up. If she doesn't reply then I think you should drop it sorry.

paddy's_mum

She has asked you, politely, not to contact her again.

So what is it, exactly, that gives you the right to over-rule her wishes and cause who knows what trouble and upset in the future?

I would be livid if you defied me in this fashion. The time to step forward and befriend her again (should you ever wish to) is when she seeks you out and not when you take it upon yourself to drop a text or Christmas card or two.

Pollycat

Alice_Holt wrote: »

Now she has e-mailed me that although she has great fondness for me, she feels it would be a betrayal to her new partner if she remained in contact. (Altough she has told him about me, and he is happy for us to remain friends).
Her decision has hurt me, She has been very important in my life. I always thought we would be friends.

I think it's key that it's her decision not to keep in touch, not her new partner's.

I would respect her wishes and leave her be, although it probably would be OK if you sent her a final email to wish her well in her new relationship and letting her know you'd be happy to hear from her should she change her mind sometime in the future.

Alice_Holt

Thanks for the replies.

I think I need to trust the bond we built.
I've said that J was very important in my life.
I also know she valued my friendship in getting through a difficult period, and appreciated my kindness to her.
I have to trust that if she is in need of friendship, she will recall that bond with affection and contact me.

My concern is that moving without telling me and then not answering her mobile to me is atypical for J.
She has always been considerate to me, for instance, she told me in person about her new partner.

Thanks Pollycat. I did exactly this in response to her e-mail.

Thanks Janey3, I intend to e-mail twice a year. Her birthday and Xmas to wish her well.
And hope she knows she can contact me if necessary

Mojisola

Alice_Holt wrote: »

J had experienced a difficult life. 2 failed marriages, and a long-term relationship which ended in abuse. She had spent time in a womans refuge.

Alice_Holt wrote: »

My concern is that moving without telling me and then not answering her mobile to me is atypical for J.

In the light of her relationship history, I would be concerned as well.

If people coming out of an abusive relationship don't do some work on how they relate to people, it's not unusual for them to link up with another abuser.

All you can do is let her know you are there if she needs help.

paddyrg

Two things can happen, she'll either be back in a couple of years desperately needing a friend, or not.

If she comes back, that's great for you. If she stays happy in her relationship, that's great for her.

JReacher1

Alice_Holt wrote: »

.

My concern is that moving without telling me and then not answering her mobile to me is atypical for J.
She has always been considerate to me, for instance, she told me in person about her new partner.

She's asked you to stop contacting her.
She didn't tell you she had moved
She didn't answer her mobile phone when you called her.
These are all signs that she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. They are not subtle hints!

I really think you should back off and not send her anymore communications. When someone no longer wants to be friends then sending emails to them twice a year is going to be very unwelcome. Every birthday and Christmas she is going to receive an email from her past that she doesn't want to receive.

Based on your original post her OH doesn't mind her being friends with you so it sounds like its completely her decision.

If you genuinely care about this woman then you should respect her right to ask you not to contact her anymore.

duchy

She has gently tried to break contact by not letting you know where she has moved to etc ......and has now told you she does NOT want to remain in contact. To continue to contact her would be incredibly disrespectful and she'd be perfectly entitled to block you and ignore you.

Even without the relationship history to ignore a specific request from a former friend to not contact them (or to imply they aren't thinking straight because they have moved on and no longer wish to stay in touch) - is disrespectful and an attempt to control them. They said no - accept it.

"For everything there is a season" Not all friendships are meant to be lifelong.

If she changes her mind she knows how to contact you - but if you ignore her request now- thatll definitely never happen.

Pollycat

Alice_Holt wrote: »

I have to trust that if she is in need of friendship, she will recall that bond with affection and contact me.

I intend to e-mail twice a year. Her birthday and Xmas to wish her well.
And hope she knows she can contact me if necessary

You've emailed her to wish her well and let her know that you're there if she needs you in the future. OK, that's fine.

I think to plan to email her on birthdays and at Christmas - both occasions intended to be happy ones - when she has been very clear in telling you she no longer wants any contact is just downright inconsiderate of you.
And it may result in you spoiling her 'special' times.
Is that what you really want?

I agree with duchy below:

duchy wrote: »

If she changes her mind she knows how to contact you - but if you ignore her request now- thatll definitely never happen.

By insisting on twice yearly contact with her against her express wishes you are almost certainly likely to ensure she will never get in touch with you even if her need is dire.

Please do rethink your intended actions.

onomatopoeia99

If she has asked you not to contact her, then you should absolutely respect that. It's her choice to make, not yours.