Different Spends on Adult and Young Children for Birthdays and Xmas - opinions?

Anoneemoose

Hi,

I posted in DFW regarding budget allocation for different things and one thing that I thought about was the amount we allocate for gifts etc. It is something I really want to reduce.

I got thinking about my kids...we have 3...one will be 21 in December and then a 9 year old and 6 year old. They have always been given the same amount for everything, always treated the same, but, I always imagined as they got to adulthood, we would spend less on them, as happened with us when we got older. I know my mum and dad spend less on me than my sisters for example, and that is to be expected as I have kids and they lived at home for longer...and I am very grateful for anything.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, my question is, when and how do we implement this reduction for the eldest?? Obviously, overall we will always treat the 3 of them the same, in the sense that this will happen for the younger 2 as well. But, it makes me feel awful. Not that it should, I know becauss the eldest also gets presents etc off his father and his family!

Has anyone got any experience of this please and if so, how did you handle it? Or any other opinions would be welcome too.

Thanks,

Anon

thriftylass

I personally don't treat my kids the same. Mine are 5 and 2 and the 5 year old will now get more expensive things than the 2 year old. Whereas once she's 5 she'll get them too. Just because I spend £100 on a bike for my 5 year old, doesn't mean that I spend then £100 on the 2 year old. For me it's more (atm) what is an age appropriate gift and what have they wished for (within reason).

Did you mean you spend the same on them now or the 6 year old will get the same as the 9 year old but once she/he is 9 too?

Mojisola

Anoneemoose wrote: »

I got thinking about my kids...we have 3...one will be 21 in December and then a 9 year old and 6 year old.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, my question is, when and how do we implement this reduction for the eldest??

You tell your adult 'child' that he/she has had 20 years of presents and that you will be treating him/her like a grown-up after the 21st birthday and presents will be smaller.

If he/she has a tantrum about it, point out that the other children will also have their more expensive presents stopped once they are 21.

lika_86

By the age of 21 I'd left home and was at university and so my mum would just tell me my budget for a Christmas present and ask me to have a think about what I wanted, rather than buy something for me. Perhaps that's a way to go about it. I would never have expected that if I'd had much younger siblings that the same would be spent on me and them.

Lunar_Eclipse

There is no right or wrong way to handle this, although I generally believe in fair treatment, not dictated by a monetary value. In fact, I don't set a budget for exactly this reason. Given the ages of your children, I think the 21 year old can easily be considered separately to the younger two, who I'd treat roughly the same.

We buy both our kids three gifts each at Christmas. The cost could vary a bit, but it evens out (eventually.) One year DD2 got an iPad, the other did not get a £300 gift; she already had an iPad given to her from school (and generally we don't spend anywhere near £300 in total on a child!)

My parents actually spend considerably more on our gifts as adults than they did when we were young children. This is partly because they are in a significantly different financial position now, plus they are not funding our life completely. Last year DH/I got a new dishwasher for instance.

So I can easily see spending more on the 21 year old than the younger two kids. A new item of clothing for example would cost much more. If the 21 year old is a FT student, some parents might buy them a new laptop, or a new suit for upcoming interviews, or other significant items the younger kids don't need, or are MUCH cheaper.

But I also know most people on this board do the opposite of the above.

In terms of the 6 & 9 year old, I'd opt for gifts that look fair, especially at Xmas. Eg if they both got bikes one year; a bike is a bike, regardless of any cost difference.

Anoneemoose

thriftylass wrote: »

I personally don't treat my kids the same. Mine are 5 and 2 and the 5 year old will now get more expensive things than the 2 year old. Whereas once she's 5 she'll get them too. Just because I spend £100 on a bike for my 5 year old, doesn't mean that I spend then £100 on the 2 year old. For me it's more (atm) what is an age appropriate gift and what have they wished for (within reason).

Did you mean you spend the same on them now or the 6 year old will get the same as the 9 year old but once she/he is 9 too?

We have always spent the same on them in the last couple of years, but when they were younger, they got less. We will continue to spend the same on the 9&6 year olds...obviously not to the exact penny, but similar amounts.

It is the nearly 21 year old I am looking to reduce, but feel bad about it. I know people will say he's grown up etc and he should have less, but it still seems odd to have the conversation!

Anoneemoose

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

There is no right or wrong way to handle this, although I generally believe in fair treatment, not dictated by a monetary value. In fact, I don't set a budget for exactly this reason. Given the ages of your children, I think the 21 year old can easily be considered separately to the younger two, who I'd treat roughly the same.

We buy both our kids three gifts each at Christmas. The cost could vary a bit, but it evens out (eventually.) One year DD2 got an iPad, the other did not get a £300 gift; she already had an iPad given to her from school (and generally we don't spend anywhere near £300 in total on a child!)

My parents actually spend considerably more on our gifts as adults than they did when we were young children. This is partly because they are in a significantly different financial position now, plus they are not funding our life completely. Last year DH/I got a new dishwasher for instance.

So I can easily see spending more on the 21 year old than the younger two kids. A new item of clothing for example would cost much more. If the 21 year old is a FT student, some parents might buy them a new laptop, or a new suit for upcoming interviews, or other significant items the younger kids don't need, or are MUCH cheaper.

But I also know most people on this board do the opposite of the above.

In terms of the 6 & 9 year old, I'd opt for gifts that look fair, especially at Xmas. Eg if they both got bikes one year; a bike is a bike, regardless of any cost difference.

Thanks. This is what we do. In previous years, they (the younger 2) have had gifts that they have shared - like a tv one year and a wii u this last year for their room (they share). They also get other toys and games etc. To be honest, I think they get far too much because my in laws spoil them as, but hubby is adamant he doesn't want to reduce the spending on the younger 2, "because it's christmas"! I think they get far too much, that they don't always appreciate, and that worries me to a certain extent.

Lunar_Eclipse

Anoneemoose wrote: »

We have always spent the same on them in the last couple of years, but when they were younger, they got less. We will continue to spend the same on the 9&6 year olds...obviously not to the exact penny, but similar amounts.

It is the nearly 21 year old I am looking to reduce, but feel bad about it. I know people will say he's grown up etc and he should have less, but it still seems odd to have the conversation!

You don't need to feel bad, though my natural inclination is the opposite, purely because I think most 21 year olds "go without" and appreciate the value of money much more than most 6/9 year olds.

I do however think the monetary values matter here though, and might be the cause of your guilt. Consider these scenarios:

1) You currently spend £200/child but want to reduce eldest son's budget to £50

2) You currently spend £40/child but want to reduce eldest's to £20

To me, and admittedly this is all very subjective, spending £200 on 6 & 9 year olds potentially buys them a vast number of gifts/crap which puts a smile on their face in the very short term, whilst £50 on a 21 year old doesn't go very far. So I'd feel guilty about that and absolutely wouldn't do it: £100 each would sit better with me, though I'd be far more inclined to spend £150 on eldest and £100 max on youngest (£350 total instead of current hypothetical £600!)

Option 2 is much more understandable. And less of a shock to your eldest.

Just my thoughts though.

Lunar_Eclipse

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Thanks. This is what we do. In previous years, they (the younger 2) have had gifts that they have shared - like a tv one year and a wii u this last year for their room (they share). They also get other toys and games etc. To be honest, I think they get far too much because my in laws spoil them as, but hubby is adamant he doesn't want to reduce the spending on the younger 2, "because it's christmas"! I think they get far too much, that they don't always appreciate, and that worries me to a certain extent.

Okay, so you're high spenders, relatively speaking, so if you want to reduce the budget, could you reduce it all round?

Do you always buy an expensive gift like a Wii U? How about capping a main gift to around £50/100. A dolls house, a doll, a pram, art easel, Lego set, build a bear etc. When mine were this age, we managed to do all their stocking gifts and main gifts for a maximum of £100. At 6, I could see this being closer to £50.

Anoneemoose

Thanks for all of your input.

At present we spend £325 each on Christmas and £100 on birthdays, as well as £120 ish for a party each for the smaller 2. The eldest had this as well when he was younger, of course. I honestly think this is far too much on Christmas presents, but my hubby believes in buying as much as he can so they have a massive pile of toys (crap). His mum and dad also buy our kids loads - one year, for example, they bought my youngest son EVERY single toy possible for disney planes - he hardly played with it.

One of the reasons we are (well, I am) wanting to reduce overall, is because I am currently on the last of ssp and am unlikely to return to work at all due to ill health. It is extremely difficult to get any form of help, so I want to work on worst case scenario. I have tried to talk to hubby about this on numerous occasions and he says things like "well they (smaller ones) expect it now"..(as in the huge amount of presents).

Another example is my mother in law buys them toys whenever they go to the shop - she spent £30 on them the other week on toys, as well as giving them £3 a week pocket money. The toys they got have not been touched since the weekend they got them, with the exception of last night my daughter played with hers. I realise that this is a whole other side to the issue, but I am struggling with hubby. He reckons our budget won't stretch and we'll be destitute once my income disappears. This is not true at all.

Homeownertobe

Is your husband the father of all three or just the youngest two? I think I know the answer from your answers.