Turning 40

divadee

This is probably more of a blog post (but I don't have a blog so put it on here so others may chip in).

I turn 40 in the near future and it's a real millstone around my neck. Basically when I was 18 my close group of friends had a night in and drank a lot (as you do at that age!). We all had the conversation of where you expect your life to be when you hit 40 and what you wanted to have done. My wants were simple compared to some.... I just wanted a loving relationship, children and a wonderful home filled with love. Sounds soppy but it's all I have ever wanted.

I'm now hitting 40 and feel like I have failed my own life. But....... I can also see the other side and say ok... It's only 40, life can begin again and I can plan the next phase of my life and get new dreams to take forward. The issue is in kinda stuck between the two of these sides!!! It's like my brain is split and I'm in the middle going but I wanted that life, and then I think but life is just beginning!! Gahhhh.

I have been blessed with a child, it wasn't in the circumstances I would of dreamed and hoped for but I know a lot of people don't get that so I am very lucky. She is now 18 and living her life going off to uni.

I am in a relationship that is lovely but we have come to that time that I am wanting more and he is not as sure. I'm sure part of that is the dreaded old biological clock ticking, and hormonal based for me! I always wanted to be married before I was 40 with children. Yes in theory I had that.... But it was a loveless marriage, we married for the wrong reasons..... I hated my wedding day, I hated the marriage more. And this is the gahhhhh part of my brain that says you won't have any of that dream after 40.

Now the other part of my brain says, go and enjoy life. There are so many firsts and things you can discover...... They don't have to involve children and marriage and homes. They can just be about me and what I want. And I get excited and make some plans (like a dream holiday touring America for a month) and then my partner goes a bit quiet and feels sad that I don't want marriage after 40 as he says he might want it in the future. And so the cycle starts again.

I have had counselling due to other issues and the marriage thing came up. I have discussed it fully with the counsellor and I just can't change my mind about getting married after 40. It's really something I don't want.

The failure part of not being married or not having a home (I have never had a true home of my own) I can deal with, but feel guilty partner may want these things in the future.

Is this a normal feeling of being stuck in the middle? Stuck between dreams of a drunk teen and the reality of life?

heuchera

40 is a milestone, and I think a lot of people start to think deeply and analyse their lives when they get to that age.

Part of you feels like your youth and your best years are over and that it's all downhill from here, yet another part of you wants to believe the adage that life begins at 40, lol.

Redacted

divadee wrote: »

I have had counselling due to other issues and the marriage thing came up. I have discussed it fully with the counsellor and I just can't change my mind about getting married after 40. It's really something I don't want.

The failure part of not being married or not having a home (I have never had a true home of my own) I can deal with, but feel guilty partner may want these things in the future.

Is this a normal feeling of being stuck in the middle? Stuck between dreams of a drunk teen and the reality of life?

Did you get to the bottom of why getting married at 39 years and 364 days is vastly different for you than getting married at 40 during your sessions with the counsellor?

If you got married now, you'd (hopefully) still be married after 40 ... What is the difference for you of this event happening before or after that date?

If I were your partner and marriage was something I potentially wanted, I would want to understand why it's such a no-go for you after 40. On the face of it, it seems rather arbitrary.

divadee

Redacted wrote: »

Did you get to the bottom of why getting married at 39 years and 364 days is vastly different for you than getting married at 40 during your sessions with the counsellor?

If you got married now, you'd (hopefully) still be married after 40 ... What is the difference for you of this event happening before or after that date?

If I were your partner and marriage was something I potentially wanted, I would want to understand why it's such a no-go for you after 40. On the face of it, it seems rather arbitrary.

We never really got to the bottom of it. We tried!!! A lot!

Part of it is because of the dream I held from a child, and partly cos I didn't want to be an 'old bride' (stupid and superficial I know!) partly because I wouldn't have another child after 40 due to the health implications and partly an unknown. No one else can understand it. I myself don't even understand it fully. Frustrating and very annoying for me as well as partner!!

pigpen

you are a day older than you were he day before.. its not a big deal.. or even a small deal.

Having a child after 40 is the same as having one before 40 except they write 'geriatric' on your notes. Everything is just the same. the mother of my daughters friend had a baby at 48.. she didnt even know she was pregnant just thought it was the menopause.. totally healthy little girl.

My great grandad got married at 82.. thats old..

It just sounds like you are expecting way more from 40 that it will deliver.. my life after 40 is very much like it was after 20 ... I just don't get the preoccupation with a number.. just do what makes you happy regardless of the date and stop getting so hung up on what you discussed when you first entered adulthood!!!

6feet

It only gets worse, I am 47 tomorrow...close to 50...I am in the thick of it because I did everything old. My youngest is only nine. 40 could feel monumental because you are going to have an empty nest soon?

ali-t

Im 40 this year too and my dreams at the time were to be working as a social worker in a big city or be shacked up with some rock star usually sebastian bach from skid row.

now im fast approaching 40 i dont have any of these things but dont consider it to be a failure - life is a journey that doesnt always go according to plan and even when it has gone according to plan the dream can be a disappointment. Childhood dreams are based on ignorance and naivety and should be viewed this way rather than letting them ruin your happiness as an adult.

Redacted

divadee wrote: »

We never really got to the bottom of it. We tried!!! A lot!

Part of it is because of the dream I held from a child, and partly cos I didn't want to be an 'old bride' (stupid and superficial I know!) partly because I wouldn't have another child after 40 due to the health implications and partly an unknown. No one else can understand it. I myself don't even understand it fully. Frustrating and very annoying for me as well as partner!!

Some of the above sounds like you would only want to marry as a precursor to having another child, and also that it's the wedding bit (old bride) that bothers you rather than the marriage bit.

I am a bit mystified though why you don't feel 39 is an "old bride" but you do feel 40 is. You don't magically become old overnight.

When you think about celebrities such as Kylie Minogue, Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie getting married, do you think of them as "old brides"?

restless6

I turned 40 a few weeks ago.

I have not accomplished or obtained much of what I thought I would have by this age. Yet, I have done other stuff that I wouldn't have thought.

I spent the previous few months delving into where i wanted to be in my life right now and made some changes , got rid of a few bits of deadwood out my life and now feel more energised and positive.

Amara

Why people make such a big deal out of turning 40? I'm going to very soon and doesn't bother me in the slightest. I still have to work for another 25 years, sooo long time!

lincroft1710

40, i'd love to be 40, even 50, but my next 0, in a few years is 70.

So stop whining and whinging about what you have or haven't done, just get on with your life and enjoy it! Focus on your achievements, the best one being you are still alive.