OH and in-laws

mai_taylor

These things are little annoyances but nothing compared to what some people have to put up with! If they'd have been talking for three hours and I was starving I would have either told them I was hungry and asked if we could go out earlier or I would have grabbed a small snack to tide me over until dinner. When I got in I would have just politely said I need to go to bed, you didn't have to stay up until they left. I don't really see that they've done anything wrong other than want to spend time with their son and have a good catch up.

Pollycat

YorkshireLass4 wrote: »

So, I'm a bit on the edge at the moment. Since the start of the year, I have had a lot on with work and family so I'm feeling very depressed and fragile. One minute I think I am just fine, next minute I am in bed sobbing and can't see a way out. My OH has tried his best to help but sometimes he fails so abysmally, it is hard not to take it personally.

I agree with some of the other posters that you could have managed things better.
I would have offered my apologies and gone to bed once back in the house.
When you say you 'have a lot on with work & family', is it your family too or just your in-laws?

You do sound very stressed - I don't think it normal to be fine one minute and then be sobbing in bed.
I wouldn't wait in the hope things get better, I'd make an appointment to see you GP right away.

YorkshireLass4 wrote: »

To top it all off, in a conversation with his mother last night, my OH was told how rude I had been that evening and how they could feel how unwelcome they were by the end. When he told me this, it was all I could do not to reply that the reason they felt unwelcome was because they were unwelcome by the time they left!

And what was your OH's response to that?
My husband would have backed me up if his family criticised me in the same situation.
Is he not suppotive of you when it comes to his family?

YorkshireLass4 wrote: »

I'm not sure what advice I am after really, I'm just venting because I don't feel I can let rip at my OH!

There's no need to 'let rip' at your OH but you should really talk to him calmly about how you are feeling and how your in-laws are making you feel.

surveyqueenuk

Do make an appointment to see the GP as I think the situation at the weekend was a symptom of a deeper issue. I suspect this is about far more than just being tired after a long day. It would also be wise to check for vitamin deficiencies etc.

It's clear that you work bl00dy hard and I'm wondering if you feel unappreciated, put upon and pushed around? TBH, your outlaws don't sound like the most easy going people. Of course, I might be talking complete yarbles and feel free to tell me if I am.

AnnieO1234

YorkshireLass - I think sometimes with inlaws it can be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I think you've had some sensible advice, to either take a nap before going for the meal or indeed go straight to bed when you get back. Can I make a couple of different suggestions for next time? Book a table in advance, that way you can hustle everybody out of the door for a set time rather than everyone sitting around chatting. The other suggestion, which may or may not work for you, what about you booking at a pub or restaurant near your place of work, so that you could immediately leave and eat (I'm not sure how practical that is).

I can imagine if you were tired and fed up with their behaviour you were probably fractious and this probably will have come across. That said though, your in-laws shouldn't have said anything and to me that means they're stirring the pot. Do you have issues with them generally? I'll be honest, I wouldn't care who the heck was in the house if I was that tired, I'd be going to bed.

Is there any cultural pressure that meant you had to be up with them until they left? If not, then just explain to your other half and his parents that there are times that, because your shift pattern and job demand so much of you, you just simply aren't up to spending that much time with them. It's give and take.

I strongly suggest that you try to let it go though, because this could easily become a huge issue where, if you don't yet have problems with your in laws, you will in the future. I speak from the experience here, where none of us now see the in laws at all.

xxx

duchy

lulu_92 wrote: »

Maybe OP felt as if she couldn't excuse herself or say anything? I know with my in laws anything I say like that would fall on deaf ears, or I'd get told I'm disrespectful.

Tough-it's the OP's home so her rules. If they don't like it they don't have to visit.

In that situation I'd have explained I had to be up at 5am and that my partner would take care of them but I had to go to bed- and gone. If they didn't like it that was their problem.

However I will say that one of the symptoms of depression is excesive tiredness - and bearing in mind this was only an eight hour shift -and the first on the rota so you'd presumably had some RDOs before it so the depression is making your tireder than is normal as you struggled so much the next day at work. I really do think you should be seeing your GP rather than keep putting it off -at least for routine blood tests rather than assume the tiredness is just stress related or assume it is depression.

Alternatively just let your OH go alone and explain you couldn't get the time off work and don't change the date and venue in future.

My future MIL moans I never pop around - My OH visits her every couple of days and usually goes when I'm working to manage his own time better (we both work shift) and she moans about it despite him explaining it is down to him not me (I'd need the car to drive to hers as I'm not walking for half an hour each way-and he uses the car for work). Frankly it's her problem - and only mine if I allow it to be -She's moving home soon and it would be very easy to vist her by bus at the new place- I'm tempted to make an absolute nusience of myself constantly visiting once she moves til she's sick of the sight of me

FBaby

I understand how you felt. It is really difficult when there is a get together planned and everyone attending don't work the following day (or at all) but you and act like they have all the time in the world to party and relax when you wish you could be catching on rest instead of going but feel obliged to do. To then being accused of being rude is the the top of the iceberg.

However, because they didn't appreciate your position doesn't mean they acted inappropriately. I'm sure you too don't always appreciate some things close family members go through because it isn't your issue and you are not fully party to their struggles. Don't take your frustration on them, they didn't do anything wrong.

Instead, use this experience to make sure you don't feel the way you did this time. When things calm down, explain to your OH that you find it very difficult to enjoy an evening out when you are due to work the following day, especially if it is something that you wouldn't chose to do otherwise and that in the future, if a get together can't happen when you are off the following day (because you appreciate the world doesn't evolve around you), depending on how tired you are, you might find having to cut the evening short but you'll make sure to put a smile on your face.

I can't cope with late evenings and the prospect of one will send me in anxious mode from the beginning and often ruins the evening as I just find myself counting the hours until I can excuse myself without seemingly too rude. However, I have found that it much better to just say that you can't stay up late and explain very politely that you might have to go early. If you do it in a pleasant way, showing that it is not personal to the people concerns, people will understand. Once the pressure is removed, it is much easier to actually enjoy yourself and even surprise yourself at finding you can stay up later than you'd anticipated.

NewShadow

YorkshireLass4 wrote: »

OK, when I posted earlier, it was a massive rant full of all my worst thoughts because I can't vent elsewhere without sounding horrible. I am not a nightmare in real life, just very stressed out and worn down by my current situation. If I continue to feel this way, I will see my GP but I'm hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel very soon.

I can see some helpful suggestions here and I can see how I can handle the situation better in the future. Some have posted comments which I feel are unfair and upsetting - but you are entitled to your opinions and only have a snapshot of the situation so I am not going to get myself worked up going through and justifying myself. Thanks to all who contributed-next time I will find a different outlet for my venting as it obviously came across wrong!

Hun (and I know lots of people hate 'Hun', but it's better than 'Mi Duck')

Please don't feel like you should apologise for venting. Everyone needs an outlet, and the people here are lovely (but, just like family, everyone has a suggestion or opinion you can ignore for free:p).

I didn't get to see your OP, but I can imagine the situation perfectly .

Have a look at my recent (epic monster) of a vent at my mother... seriously 1500 words of ranting.

bearcat16

Just go to sleep if you're tired, nobody minds. I've lost count of how often I've fallen asleep at other people's houses, or while they're at my house. A half-hour nap can work wonders, and then you're all set to go again.

Someone usually does prod me if my snoring gets too loud though.

BigAunty

I obviously have missed some of the OPs post so don't understand the full context.

I get up at 5.30am for some of my 9 hour shifts which requires me to give sustained attention to my work for all of the day with two 15 minute tea breaks and a 30 minute lunch. It's not massively pressurised but requires complete concentration.

If my sleep gets affected, then my work directly suffers the next day as I definately dont get through my workload as efficiently. Also, I know full well that fatigue makes me very grumpy.

I routinely reject most social invitations from my friends when I work an early shift and they are all understanding about my need to go to bed early and get up early so don't mind me refusing to meet up or my leaving very early if I do attend.

pigpen

I'd have gone for a nap on getting home.. and had I been waiting 3 hours to go for a meal I would already have eaten.. I'd have got something from the freezer when I woke from my snooze.. I would also have gone to bed regardless of who was still talking when I got home if I had indeed even gone. I've gone to bed and left my sister downstairs talking to my OH on more than one occasion!

I am difficult and I won't put myself out for others unless I choose to and the more tired I am the more obnoxious I get and throwing hungry into the mix I'd probably have eaten the inlaws!! lol

I just kind of live my life and if my plans fall in with others then whoop-de-doo ..

You can never like every aspect of another persons personality.. even our OH's have some irritating habits.. even me shocking I know! .. but it is easy to ignore those .. but SIL's are just irritating on a good day!


Obviously with hindsight it is easy enough to think of these things when in the moment you are just hungry and tired and want to cry.. talking to the OH is the way forward for sure and sometimes just letting him go without you is best.. and you get to enjoy a lovely peaceful night in!