OH and in-laws

YorkshireLass4

Deleted as I have as much advice as I need and have spoken with my husband

Mojisola

YorkshireLass4 wrote: »

They arrived just before I got home on the day of the meal. FIL blocked the drive, which didn't particularly endear me to him (there was a parking spot further down the road but he doesn't believe in walking more than two meters and hey, let me walk because I've only been up since 5am!). For 3 hours, my OH and his family exchanged all of their latest news and anecdotes before they were all ready to go out for the meal. I was absolutely starving by this point. The meal was full of their moans and groans because certain things had been taken off of the menu-order something else! Then, once the meal was finished and the bill paid, they all sat for a further hour, with their empty drinking glasses, talking nonsense. By this point, I was severely tired having been awake for sixteen hours straight and just wanted to go home to bed. Finally, we all left the restaurant and they insisted on coming back to our house and talking more nonsense for a further hour. By this point, I was struggling not to lose my temper and had completely withdrawn from the conversation. All I could think of was how little sleep I was going to end up with before the next day at work. Finally, they all noticed that I was falling asleep on the sofa and decided to leave. But, even then, they spent fifteen minutes saying their goodbyes by the sodding car as if they would never see each other again!!!

I'm just venting because I don't feel I can let rip at my OH!

You need to talk to your OH! The only way you will ever make changes is with him on your side.

What could have happened differently?

Once you got home from work, you could have said - 'we'll need to get off to the restaurant within the hour or I'll be too tired to come with you.' If they delayed leaving, you didn't need to go with them.

When you got home from the restaurant, you could have said - 'That's me done, I'm shattered. I'm off to bed. Got to be fit for work tomorrow.'

Your OH surely doesn't need you to sit there while he talks to his family, does he?

Person_one

Ok, I'm sorry, I don't get it.

You invited yourselves to your in-laws house at a time to suit you, then were put out when they said that actually, that wasn't a good time?

You're a bit b****y about your SIL, what's that all about?

You're annoyed that your family spent too long chatting and enjoying each other's company?

In future, I suppose you should speak to your partner before his parents visit and let him know what time you expect them to be gone by, so you're on the same page and you won't feel the need to resort to rudeness to try and drive them away. You could also just go to bed when you need to and leave them to socialise without the pleasure of your company!

tea_lover

Why didn't you just go to bed when you got home?

It does seem a bit like you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment (we've all been there). They went out of their way to make things easier for you by changing the date they were meeting and coming over to yours. I can imagine it would irk them a bit to be met with rudeness and someone obviously trying to get rid of them, from their son's home.

It is frustrating when you know you've got work tomorrow and you just want to sleep, but you could have avoided that awkwardness by enjoying the meal together then making your apologies and turning in for the night.

warehouse

Blimey OP, you're getting completely wound up about absolutely nothing whatsoever. In fact you come across as a complete nightmare. What's a few hours sleep in the grand scheme of things? Nothing.

Alikay

You sound incredibly intolerant of your in-laws...all humans have their little quirks, and seriously, what you're venting about seems really petty. We have a couple of different lots of family who live 2-3 hours drive away, and we always turn up and go out for a meal to an "obscure pub" and make small talk - we even pay for us all! It's not a big deal, and it means we keep in contact and the family bonds remain.

I appreciate you'd been to work and were tired, but have you never socialised when sleep-deprived at all? Personally it seems like your depression and anxiety is affecting your relationship with your family as your in-laws faults seem pretty normal irritations to me.

Gigervamp

OP, have you been to the doctor about how you're feeling? If you keep crying, you could be suffering from depression, although it could also just be from lack of good quality sleep too from doing shift work.

I agree with the others who suggested that you could have explained when you got back from work that you needed to go out soon as you were tired (they should understand that if the reason you couldn't go on the original date was due to SIL having been at work and tired).

I would also have gone to bed before they left, making my apologies for not being able to stay up due to needing to be up for work at 5am.

Something to consider for the future perhaps?

Oh, and BTW, you don't sound a nightmare to me!

foolofbeans

Sorry OP but you sound a bit precious. An 8 hour shift at work is fairly standard and most people manage to stay awake long enough to eat a meal and converse with family. My partner regularly works 60+ hours a week and sometimes gets up with the children if they wake in the night and he never moans.
I think you know you are feeling depressed and this is distorting your view of what should be an enjoyable experience. Depression can make you want to withdraw into yourself and you appear to be doing this by getting frustrated at having to deal with company.
If this situation has been going on for some time then perhaps it is time to see your doctor. Being depressed does not make you a failure it is an illness the same as any other and you owe it to yourself and your DH to get help to feel better.

TBagpuss

I think the key is to talk with your OH, not just about this incident but about how you-as-a-couple manage things with his family generally.

I do think that a part of it is is for you both to learn to speak up, and to listen to the other, wothout it becoming an argument, which may mean trying to remember to discuss things at an earlier stage before it becomes a major issue.

For for instance, in relation to your FIL's birthday, it sounds as though you and your Dh agreed that it would not be practical foryou to go to his paretns the weekend you were working.

I notice you say he "told" his parents you would come round the previous weekend - I appreciate that that may just be a slip of the keyboard, but it made me wonder whether if that is how he phrased it, there is aan issue with him (and perhaps his family in general) habitually telling rather than asking each other what will happen, which might perhaps contrinute to the issue.

I would suggest that you and he work together todecide how youwill manage this sort of situation:

1- both try to get into the habit of consulting the other before making plane (so if his paretns invite tyou to go round, the auttic response is "I'll need to check the calendar / check with OH and get back to you". This avoinds making arrangemtns which are inconvenient

2. Both try to get into the habit of setting boundaries - e.g. it would have worked better had your husband said to his parents "We can't do [weekend] as Yorkshire Lass is working, would you like us to come the previous weekend, or to try to work out a diferent date"

3. Discuss and decide whether you would be comfortable sometimes doing things separately - for instnace, how would yuou have felt if your husband's response to his parents had been "Yorkshire Lass is working that weekend so she won't be able t ocome, but I will be there " (again, this is somewhere where having a defaul of checking with the other before responding can come in handy, as it allows you, as a couple, to decide for each specifc event whether you accept for just one of you, decline or offer an alternative)

4. Talk to each other before / at the event. Mojisola's suggestions are good - you can particuapte in the event but set your boundaries - you'd lve to come out, but it will only work if you leave now, not later. You've enjoyed the evening, but you ned to leave now as you are working. Speak to your Husband haedof time so that he knows your boundaries and can back you up when you riase them (or can raise them himself) and plan ahead, so if you know you will need to leave early, take 2 cars, or ensure that one of the other attendees can give him a lift home if you ned to take the car, or agree which of you will get a taxi home.

It does sound as though the main issue is about communication between you and your husband, his family may have triggered this particualr incident but thay are not the main issue.

Best of luck.

missbiggles1

Mojisola wrote: »

You need to talk to your OH! The only way you will ever make changes is with him on your side.

What could have happened differently?

Once you got home from work, you could have said - 'we'll need to get off to the restaurant within the hour or I'll be too tired to come with you.' If they delayed leaving, you didn't need to go with them.

When you got home from the restaurant, you could have said - 'That's me done, I'm shattered. I'm off to bed. Got to be fit for work tomorrow.'

Your OH surely doesn't need you to sit there while he talks to his family, does he?

If the OP had done an 8 hour shift starting at, say, 0600 then they could hardly have gone out to dinner when she got in from work, presumably at about 1700. She, on the other hand, could've taken a nap while they chatted, ready to go out later.

princeofpounds

I do feel some sympathy towards you, there are times for everyone where mixing work obligations and family obligations are hard, and a 7 day run of shifts is worse than most.


When I read your post, I can just see all the normal mix of things that make us human - duty, selfishness, care, mildly inconsiderate behaviour etc. From all sides.


I think this could all have been handled a lot better from the start. I think practically the best option might have been to have been quite clear from the outset that you would need to go to bed as soon as you got home after the meal. You could also have specified a time for the reservation.


Then although it would have been a stretch, it wouldn't have become an ordeal (and hence you would have resented their presence less in the meantime), the inlaws could take their time spending time with their son, and no-one feels pushed out.


You could have been very apologetic, explained that you had been working since 5am, say it's been lovely to see them and you appreciate them coming all the way over. And then left your OH to worry about turfing them out.


I can't claim that would be a perfect scenario, but most people will understand it if you are clear about the time you woke up.


As for the driveway incident, whilst your FIL might be inconsiderate, I don't think there is anything that odd about using the driveway space if it's free - after all if he can park on-street quite reasonably, why can't you park on-street? If it was that important, tell them before they come over.


Your OH could also have done a better job at managing the compromise here, but I do get the feeling that he didn't get a clear understanding of exactly what was and wasn't going to work for you. If you had told him to book 30 mins earlier, and to let his parents know that you would have to go to bed because of the shift work, and he didn't, then it would have been a different situation. Or perhaps if he had put pressure on you to stay until the last moment.


You should have actually been honest to your OH, and said that they were unwelcome when they left. NOT because you despise them, but because by then you were exhausted, and you would have wanted Jesus Christ himself to leave if he had popped over for dinner. And that the plan was too much of a stretch in the end and you both need to account for the shift patterns better with any future plans.


But having said all of that, I don't actually blame you too much. It's clear your work is affecting you, both in terms of the demands and also how you are thinking about things. And this whole scenario is just one of the ways it is getting expressed.


Can I ask - are the pressures at work going to lighten up at all? Is this a temporary or ongoing situation?