Separating but child advice needed badly.

[Deleted User]

I work away for 4 weeks at a time and my stbx wife is doing 5 days a week at work. We have a 4 year old girl and still living in the same home until it sells trying to amiciable and civil. When i was away i told my wife i will be home for half term (she knew this for months before).

I had plans to spend the week taking my girl out to fun places etc etc whilst my wife worked. 2 days before i returned home she had informed me she was taking the week off so ok i said lets do a few family days together, all ok she agreed.

So this week she booked her into a all day fun camp at the local school then went into work for half a day, Tuesday she took her over to her mums and stayed the night then i have been informed she is coming back today mid-afternoon and then tomorrow she is taking her to spend the day at her dads as my daughter's cousins are up from London. And finally she is off with her mum on Friday to go for a fancy tea at some country home leaving my daughter with me.

Inside i am fuming as i practically have seen my girl for 1 day this week whilst she is off school. I don't want to cause a fight but i am well pi--ed at the moment, should i say something? I am so on the verge of moving out and feel like saying to her "you tell my daughter why daddy has left" even though i don't want to at all but this woman is making everything so difficult at the moment.

Guest101

Why not just make some plans yourself?


Proactive rather than reactive.

heuchera

Deleted_User wrote: »

I work away for 4 weeks at a time and my stbx wife is doing 5 days a week at work. We have a 4 year old girl and still living in the same home until it sells trying to amiciable and civil. When i was away i told my wife i will be home for half term (she knew this for months before).

I had plans to spend the week taking my girl out to fun places etc etc whilst my wife worked. 2 days before i returned home she had informed me she was taking the week off so ok i said lets do a few family days together, all ok she agreed.

So this week she booked her into a all day fun camp at the local school then went into work for half a day, Tuesday she took her over to her mums and stayed the night then i have been informed she is coming back today mid-afternoon and then tomorrow she is taking her to spend the day at her dads as my daughter's cousins are up from London. And finally she is off with her mum on Friday to go for a fancy tea at some country home leaving my daughter with me.

Inside i am fuming as i practically have seen my girl for 1 day this week whilst she is off school. I don't want to cause a fight but i am well pi--ed at the moment, should i say something? I am so on the verge of moving out and feel like saying to her "you tell my daughter why daddy has left" even though i don't want to at all but this woman is making everything so difficult at the moment.

Yup, she's playing power games.
When you split up, are you both getting joint custody of the child or will one of you go for residency?

[Deleted User]

Guest101 wrote: »

Why not just make some plans yourself?


Proactive rather than reactive.

I did have plans only to be told my stbx wife had decided to take the week off, so my plans had to change as we agreed to do things together then when i get home she made her plans and already told my daughter about staying at her mums and seeing her cousins, therefore not giving me a chance at arranging anything. I am so pi--ed off trying to accommodating to this woman only for her to change everything to suit herself.

Person_one

We're you expecting that your ex wouldn't want to spend any time with her daughter alone? Do you want her to miss out on seeing her cousins?

It seems like you have this afternoon, then Friday and the weekend free with your daughter, so what are you planning for that time?

[Deleted User]

heuchera wrote: »

Yup, she's playing power games.
When you split up, are you both getting joint custody of the child or will one of you go for residency?

I can't have joint custody due to me working away in the offshore environment. We have agreed that when i am home and we have our own homes then i will see her 2/3 nights during the school week and every other weekend, holidays can be split.
Thats fine but really i would love to have her all the time i am home but that will only confuse my daughter and i want her as stable as possible.

[Deleted User]

Person_one wrote: »

We're you expecting that your ex wouldn't want to spend any time with her daughter alone? Do you want her to miss out on seeing her cousins?

It seems like you have this afternoon, then Friday and the weekend free with your daughter, so what are you planning for that time?

No what i don't understand is why she agreed to do things together only to suddenly change it all to suit herself. Oh i get this afternoon what when she turns up at 5pm which she has just said.
I had the whole week mapped put until she suddenly decided to take a week off work, then changed the plans again.

Person_one

Deleted_User wrote: »

No what i don't understand is why she agreed to do things together only to suddenly change it all to suit herself. Oh i get this afternoon what when she turns up at 5pm which she has just said.
I had the whole week mapped put until she suddenly decided to take a week off work, then changed the plans again.

Well, you're not a couple anymore. If you can manage happy family days out that's great but it sounds like you dislike her/are angry enough with her that it wouldn't really work.

We're they joint plans, or had you made plans unilaterally and expected her to go along with them?

I'd say let it go up to this point, but be clear about which days you are going to do activities with your daughter now.

This situation is bound to be rough on all of you, in limbo till the house sells, do what you can to keep conflict to a minimum while you're there, for your daughter's and everybody else's sake!

heuchera

Deleted_User wrote: »

I had the whole week mapped put until she suddenly decided to take a week off work, then changed the plans again.

It's this that's unfair.

You can't say anything to the child, obviously, but the mother is making things very difficult, as they often do when a couple splits up.

duchy

Did you make your plans with your ex or did you just assume ?

My ex used to drive me nuts with his assumptions that we had nothing better to do during school holidays than wait for him to let us know his specific plans. It simply didn't occur to him that he was stopping us making plans.

A casual -"I'll be around half term week" is NOT making plans.

Your wife works so presumably has to plan her annual leave in advance if she wants school holidays off to be with your daughter too. You may feel that she sees her every day so should be glad to defer to your wishes but the reality is in termtime she gets all the graft and none of the fun so a week off is time to spend quality time rather than school pick up, tea, homework, bed which leaves little time to enjoy time with her .

Learn from this week - work out which school holiday weeks you will be home for the rest of the year and TALK to your wife. Ask her what her plans are - if she has holiday booked or if you can help out those days. School holidays take more AL than most people have and planning ahead can mean she (and you) can get the most ut of time off. For example if your daughter is off for Easter and you are home your wife could have some days she could work and others she has days with your girl- but if she knows that your week home is the second week of the holidays and not the first she may choose to book her time off differently.

As she also works she needs downtime with your daughter too and if you can work co-operatively you both win.

A vague - "We could do a couple of days out" is NOT making plans- you need to be more specific and plan ahead to make it work well.

Instead of getting cross or passive aggressive use the experience of this half term and say to her it has made you realize that you need to make definite plans well in advance and ask her how she thinks you could both make it work better for future school holidays.

Use this as an aid to learning how to make future holidays work better for all of you rather than let what happened become a problem - and you will benefit long term - and long term is what matters as your daughter is so young. What you do now sets the tone for the next fifteen years of co-parenting and access. -

Frankly it sounds too early for family days out-and it is possible your wife changed plans because she simply didn't want to spend an entire day with you-which would be understandable. My ex and I had some great family days out once things had settled down - but certainly not whilst we were still under the same roof - or for about a year after whilst everyone adjusted.

[Deleted User]

Person_one wrote: »

Well, you're not a couple anymore. If you can manage happy family days out that's great but it sounds like you dislike her/are angry enough with her that it wouldn't really work.

We're they joint plans, or had you made plans unilaterally and expected her to go along with them?

I'd say let it go up to this point, but be clear about which days you are going to do activities with your daughter now.

This situation is bound to be rough on all of you, in limbo till the house sells, do what you can to keep conflict to a minimum while you're there, for your daughter's and everybody else's sake!

I have been civil and amicable from the start, nothing to do with disliking her or been angry, the plans i had made as she would of been at work all week. Then we both agreed to have family days together as a family, then when i get home she had already made her plans and had got my daughter excited about staying at her grandma's, spending all day in a kids club and seeing her cousins telling me in front of my daughter.

I don't want any arguments whilst we are still in this home but i really am fuming inside seeing all my days out gone up in smoke trying to keep everything ok in my daughter's eyes.

I really don't know why she took the week off.