Hubby's spending getting me down - please can anyone advise? (WARNING - long post!)

Crazycatwoman

Hello, everyone! I've been lurking for months now, but it was reading a couple of recent threads from people with spending partners that gave me courage and made me realise I'm not the only one,

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 0
Number of cars owned.................... 1

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 850
Partners monthly income after tax....... 1660
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 2510

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 925
Council tax............................. 114
Electricity............................. 50
Gas..................................... 57
Water rates............................. 60
Telephone (land line) and internet................... 26.98
Mobile phone............................ 23.5
TV Licence.............................. 12.12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
Groceries etc. ......................... 180
Clothing................................ 10
Petrol/diesel........................... 80
Road tax................................ 12.68
Car Insurance........................... 20.99
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 20.44
Car parking............................. 3.00

Prescription prepayment certificates.... 20.8
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 83.17
Buildings insurance..................... 17.63
Contents insurance...................... 9.2
Life assurance ......................... 19.44
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 25
Haircuts................................ 5
Entertainment........................... 0
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 50
Allotment rental, seeds etc............. 15
Dentist................................. 36.41
New boiler fund......................... 25
Spending money.......................... 80
Union membership........................ 25.6
Cat food (prescription diets)........... 30
Healthy pet club........................ 28
Total monthly expenses.................. 2065.96


Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Nationwide.....................5170......100.......?
Tesco..........................3130......60........?
Sainsburys.....................1050......40........?
Marbles........................3000......???.......
MBNA...........................8500......???
Coop...........................9000.....???
Total unsecured debts..........29850...........-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 2,510
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 2,065.96
Available for debt repayments........... 444.04



Firstly a few explanatory notes about my SOA. We have three cats, hence the high insurance bill! Two of them have chronic conditions, which mean they need medication each month, which enables them to live happy and healthy lives. Our youngest cat, who is only around 3, has a very unusual condition, which I won't go into, as it's just possible someone could recognise me from this, and I value the anonymity of this board. (You will see why later!!)My monthly meds bill from the vet is around £150 a month (and that's on a good month!) of which the insurance pays around £130. Our oldest cat is over 10 now, so they only pay 80%. I'm going to be honest, the cats mean everything to me. When we were married, I wanted to be a stay at home mum with lots of children. That didn't happen, so I confess the cats are probably child substitutes - please don't judge me too harshly!

Healthy pet club is a kind of savings scheme which covers boosters, flea and worming treatments and lots of other benefits too, such as 10% off all drugs, 20% off some "lifetime" drugs, reduced consultation fees, and blood tests, and fixed price dental. The latter was very useful to me a few years ago when our newly arrived rescue cat had to have almost all her teeth extracted. The main benefit to me is spreading the cost over the year, so when it's booster / worming or flea control time, I know the cost is taken care of.

Dentist – where we live NHS dentists are almost impossible to come by. More importantly, I suffer badly from anxiety and my dentist is BRILLIANT, both technically and from a caring point of view, so changing is not an option.

I'm in the middle of switching the gas and electric through the MSE scheme, which should see a further reduction.


Water rates are horrendous where we live. We are on a meter, and I am very careful, but SW water still want to charge us ever higher rates. Every year it's a battle to get them to agree to an even half reasonable figure. This is about the one bill I pay by standing order, so I retain some form of control.

Boiler replacement fund – our boiler is around 30 years old, so may not last many more years, and I really really don't want to have to borrow when the time comes to replace it.

Entertainment – basically we don't. I don't go out at all, as I can't afford it, and I don't drink, smoke or gamble. I don't even do the lottery (my family has very serious addiction problems – drink, drugs, gambling, running through both sides, so my GP has advised me to be careful!! I have definitely inherited the anxiety that also runs through the family, so we would rather not find out what else I may have inherited.) Hubby belongs to an amateur dramatic club, so pays for that out of his spending money, and also if he wants to meet up with friends or work colleagues for a drink. We agreed £10 each a week for spending money, to do whatever we want with. Mine usually goes on more expensive hair cuts and more expensive brands of toiletries than I could otherwise afford, and sometimes a few things for my garden.

Holidays – again we don't. Our last holiday was a week in the Lake District for our honeymoon, nearly 26 years ago.

Ever since we were married nearly 26 years ago we have been struggling with debt. Hubby has organised remortgaging several time when the bills got too high last time was about 7 years ago (I didn't know any better then) , but of course it hasn't worked and things have just got worse. The house is in joint names, so he can't do it again without my signature.


The Nationwide, Tesco and Sainsburys cards are mine. They have mostly built up over periods of unemployment, a few unwise decisions, and some domestic crises. I stopped using them about 5 months ago, put them in the freezer, worked out how much I could afford each month and set up a standing order for each card. As soon as the lowest is paid off I'll add that amount to the next and so on. I'm estimating I should have them paid off in about 4 years. I did try and get a 0% interest card using the MSE credit card eligibility tool, and applied for the card (HSBC) that said I had a 90% chance of being accepted … and was turned down. So, I'm doing it my way instead. Once the cards are paid off in about four years time, I'll put the money into an account to start saving for a replacement “new to us” car – our current car is elderly, but still going, so hopefully it will last until then.


The other 3 cards are hubby's, hence the uncertainties there. This is where it probably gets interesting for anyone reading this. Several months ago, Hubby just stopped paying anything!!!!!!!
He takes the money set aside, and just spends it – on what I do not know. Part of the problem is that because I didn't know until very recently just how much he owes, the amount we have set aside isn't enough, and I think he has now run out of juggling options. He won't tell me anything, it's just what I have managed to piece together. MBNA have closed his account – ie he can't use it any more, he just has to repay the balance. I don't know what's happening with Marbles, but the Co op are getting stroppy, and threatening something called a “default” in the latest letters. (most of the statements and letters hubby doesn't open, just shoves them in his briefcase, a few are opened and stuffed in the letter rack at home, hence I come across those when I am doing the filing) The Co op keep ringing, usually when I am home on my own. I have repeatedly asked them not to call again, but they just ignore me. My hubby may make unwise decisions, but he is my hubby, and I am certainly not telling them where he works, or giving them his private number, but they don't seem to realise that. So, as a short term solution I have turned the landline off. All friends and family contact us on the mobiles anyway, if it wasn't for the internet, I probably wouldn't bother with a landline.

Another thing I haven't added in is the overdraft on the joint account. That's running at about £650. I would love to be rid of it, but the problem is every time I manage to scrape together a bit of money to get it down, hubby looks on it as “free money” and spends it. When we have the overdraft at about the £650 level, he knows not to spend it, as I will yell!

Please does anyone have any advice? I have been thinking I was the only one with this problem, and have been waiting until things got “better” or hubby came on board and we could work together to find a solution, but realistically I don't think that's going to happen. It was reading other people's posts about partners in a similar situation which encouraged me to post today.

matchboxfull

Hey Crazycatwoman! Welcome. There are loads of really nice people here.

Well done for posting. Your situation can't be easy. Having read a number of posts and diaries on here it does seem to be a common theme that one person in a couple struggles to see or address a debt problem, while the other desperately wants to.

What attempts have you made to communicate with your husband about money? Does he know that you know about the cards? Do you ever talk about money at all? What access do you have to each other's money and to each other's financial information? Is there any way you can find out where the £20k+ that he's spent has gone?

Crazycatwoman

Thank you for replying so quickly, Matchboxfull! Coming on these boards I realised I wasn't the only one! We have a joint current account, which our salaries get paid into, and all the direct debits etc come out from. Hubby has absolutely NO INTEREST in anything financial, so over the years I have gradually taken over more and more of the financial issues, organising payments by direct debit and standing order, and picking dates to suit us, going through the statement with a toothcomb to check for anomalies. I joke that if it was left to hubby, the house could be falling down round him,but so long as the TV still worked he wouldn't notice, Actually, that's not really a joke.:( I'm the one who budgets for and arranges essential maintenance on the house. (Hubby's contribution is usually to be told "X is coming round tomorrow to look at / fix / replace whatever. Please can you clear your mess up?")

When we were first married, I was very young (very early twenties) and very ignorant, having lived at home up until then. (We didn't live together before we were married, and didn't get any proper financial education. No internet either!). I think I got the first inkling that all was not what it might be regarding hubby and money the last night of our honeymoon, when we were going to have a pizza for supper and when hubby went to get money out from the ATM, it refused to give him any, so no supper!

We do have a joint savings account, but most of our savings are held in my ISA. I've never looked on that as "my" money, it;s just that ISAs are tax free, and you can't have a joint ISA. In retrospect I'm glad, as it means that the money I've budgeted , for example to get the roof fixed, can't get used for something else. I do have a small secret "emergency fund" with another bank, just in case ...

Talking about money with hubby is very hard, he just tends to clam up, or he will pick on one of my failings to distract. He knows I know about the co op card, but I don't think about the other ones.

I have absolutely no idea where all the money has gone. A small proportion will be on expensive presents for his family. His older brother and wife are much better off than we are, and hubby somehow finds it necessary to supplement the inexpensive birthday and Christmas presents I buy with some of his own.:( Maybe it's some kind of competitive sibling thing? I have no idea about the rest. I don't think it's a single "big" purchase. I suspect its just an escalation of lots of smaller purchases. Someone on these boards (I can't remember who,) recently demonstrated how, before they had started budgeting they would have spent money left, right and centre. Only £20 here and £30 there, but it all adds up, and before you know it £100 has gone.

greensalad

I would quite simply sit him down and explain you want to help, and get him to hand over the cards and the details about them.

Work out a budget and stick to it. I have a spreadsheet for this purpose. You obviously know what you are doing in regards to how much you spend a month on certain things, so get that in a spreadsheet.

I would then give him only his £10 a week spending money and nothing else. If he's terrible with money he doesn't need the credit cards. If he needs to buy something more expensive then he can let you know and you can arrange it in cash for him.

That way you can take control of your attack plan to reduce the debt.

heartbrokengirl

It was such a relief to read your post for me! It's so lonely... And money is not an issue many people ever want to talk about.

What you saying about your husband clamming up when you try to talk about money is exactly my experience. I would get the brush off because everything was all right and I shouldn't be so anxious and controlling.... Haha!

I don't have any good advice at the moment. I came to the forums for the same as you, I needed help! But I'm sending you a big hug and good thoughts. If I do something good, I'll let you know what it is!

pleasedelete

Do you work full time? That would seem to be the answer- either work more hours if not full time or find a better paid job if you are full time? He earns double you but without children you should be looking to maximise your income.

elsien

That's not an answer for OH debts though as it seems if the OP starting paying towards them he'd just rack them up to the limit again.
My suggestion would be gathering as much information as you can about what he owes then sitting him down in a non-confrontational way and telling him you know, and you want to help both of you resolve your debts together.
Is it possible he's spending it on something he's ashamed to admit, such as gambling?

pleasedelete

elsien wrote: »

That's not an answer for OH debts though as it seems if the OP starting paying towards them he'd just rack them up to the limit again.
My suggestion would be gathering as much information as you can about what he owes then sitting him down in a non-confrontational way and telling him you know, and you want to help both of you resolve your debts together.
Is it possible he's spending it on something he's ashamed to admit, such as gambling?

I disagree. The OP isn't contributing 50% of the household expenses without the debt. Regardless of him and any debt she is living well beyond her own means.

AdventurousSort

Hi CCL! You mentioned part of the problem might be feeling the need to keep up with better off siblings? Do you have any kind of relationship with them? Just thinking they could be potential allies - e.g. they could ratchet down the spend on the presents they buy, or even suggest a different approach to birthdays/Christmas to your hubby that avoids expensive gifts, such as a charity donation. I know this doesn't solve much, but it might take some of the emotional pull out of spending?

pelirocco

pleasedelete wrote: »

I disagree. The OP isn't contributing 50% of the household expenses without the debt. Regardless of him and any debt she is living well beyond her own means.

And add in the cost of the cats

Ignoring the debt , the fact that haven't had a holiday in 26 years nor appear to ever go out as a couple is worrying

crazy_cat_lady

Hi (good name by the way)
I understand the cat thing, and I think that if you can get all in for £83 a month including special diets and medication then you're doing well. That would be a non negotiable expense for me as well. There are others that won't understand that, but I do.
I think that if he won't deal with the finances then you have to remove his access to them. I had to do that when my dh was ill a few years ago - we have separate accounts, and he paid most of his wages into my account then had his own 'spending money'. That is still the case now except he doesn't keep his own spending money (long and boring story but he's finally on board after 7 years). He can't overspend on the household account because he doesn't have access to it. As for your dh credit cards then they are his so I think I would be leaving him to sort his own mess out there. I think as long as he's not having to face up to it then he won't face up to it... Maybe it's about time he took his head out of the sand and dealt with the mess he's making.