Hubby's spending getting me down - please can anyone advise? (WARNING - long post!)

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Crazycatwoman wrote: »

... I'm going to be honest, the cats mean everything to me. When we were married, I wanted to be a stay at home mum with lots of children. That didn't happen, so I confess the cats are probably child substitutes ...

... I suffer badly from anxiety ...

Entertainment – basically we don't. I don't go out at all...

... and also if he wants to meet up with friends or work colleagues for a drink ...

We agreed £10 each a week for spending money, to do whatever we want with. Mine usually goes on more expensive hair cuts and more expensive brands of toiletries than I could otherwise afford, and sometimes a few things for my garden.


Holidays – again we don't. Our last holiday was a week in the Lake District for our honeymoon, nearly 26 years ago.

Ever since we were married nearly 26 years ago we have been struggling with debt. Hubby has organised remortgaging several time when the bills got too high ...

The other 3 cards are hubby's, hence the uncertainties there. This is where it probably gets interesting for anyone reading this. Several months ago, Hubby just stopped paying anything!!!!!!!
He takes the money set aside, and just spends it – on what I do not know. Part of the problem is that because I didn't know until very recently just how much he owes, the amount we have set aside isn't enough, and I think he has now run out of juggling options.

He won't tell me anything, it's just what I have managed to piece together. MBNA have closed his account – ie he can't use it any more, he just has to repay the balance. I don't know what's happening with Marbles, but the Co op are getting stroppy, and threatening something called a “default” in the latest letters. (most of the statements and letters hubby doesn't open, just shoves them in his briefcase, a few are opened and stuffed in the letter rack at home, hence I come across those when I am doing the filing) The Co op keep ringing, usually when I am home on my own. I have repeatedly asked them not to call again, but they just ignore me. My hubby may make unwise decisions, but he is my hubby, and I am certainly not telling them where he works, or giving them his private number, but they don't seem to realise that. So, as a short term solution I have turned the landline off. All friends and family contact us on the mobiles anyway, if it wasn't for the internet, I probably wouldn't bother with a landline.

Another thing I haven't added in is the overdraft on the joint account. That's running at about £650. I would love to be rid of it, but the problem is every time I manage to scrape together a bit of money to get it down, hubby looks on it as “free money” and spends it. When we have the overdraft at about the £650 level, he knows not to spend it, as I will yell!

Please does anyone have any advice? I have been thinking I was the only one with this problem, and have been waiting until things got “better” or hubby came on board and we could work together to find a solution, but realistically I don't think that's going to happen. It was reading other people's posts about partners in a similar situation which encouraged me to post today.

Read that back to yourself.

I honestly think there's more to fix here than your debt.

Aside from the fact you appear to be living separate lives, does it not alarm you that your husband can't account for where his money is going?

Tyrone_Black

Lots of problems here, but it's not all on the husband. There would be a lot more money available to both live and pay debts if you got a better job or more hours. If you had the extra paid into your account then you could ensure it all goes on the debt. You've been a willing participant in his overspending and you can do something to rectify it.

ParaJon

With the £650 Overdraft Joint account, have you considered opening a sole account and moving your additional cash into that before your husband has a chance to spend it. This way you can pile it up and use it to make additional payments to your credit cards.

If the credit cards are in your husbands sole name, he is on track to ruin his credit profile by having the card provider putting them into collections so he needs to stop this before it is too late.

Having worked for banks & credit card companies, usually when someone goes quiet and refuses to account for where the money is going it is because there is more than you think. He will more than likely have other cards & debts as well which the "marbles" card is a sign off as these are given to people with bad credit ratings and charge high APR's.

He needs to priorities which cards to pay down first according to % minimum repayment & %APR.

The more these cards reduce, the more likely your existing card providers will give you 0% offers which you can then use to begin to consolidate your other cards into fewer cards so you can concentrate your payments into rapidly reducing the debts.

The first step is making the post and acknowledging things have to change. But you will have to tackle your husband head on and get him to open up to ALL debts & issues. so you can sit down and take the necessary actions to fix it.

nimbo

It's going to be hard - but he needs to be open with you. You have a joint account and mortgage are tied together financially.

It's a horrid place to be - but you both need to kneel the full picture to begin to deal with it.

patman99

If you can, why not speak to the Bank with regards to your joint account and the overdraft?. Ask them to lower the limit to £500, then your OH will get a surprise when he cannot get quite so much 'free' money.

This can then be lowered again in 3 months to £450 and so on until it is at £0. At this point, your oh will not be able to spend what isn't available and rack up overdraft fees and interest.

Also, try speaking with StepChange or Payplan as they may have some good advice on speaking to your husband about his spending habits.

Oh, and the next time the Co-Op call about the Marble credit card, give them his works number, but tell them not to mention that you gave them the number. This may well embarrass him into coming clean with you.

meer53

Lowering an overdraft will mean the bank will want to reassess it. This might result in them removing it altogether and asking for it to be repaid immediately so i'd be wary of trying to do this. One thing i definitely wouldn't do either is give anyone the OH's work number. It could cause huge problems for him at work, it's just not worth it

Jellybean222

Just to add my experience. I split up with my husband a little under 2 years ago (not for the following reasons by the way!). When we were married he was terrible with money. We had a joint account, and he did earn more than me, but not by loads. I was honestly scared to check the bank balance most days because I knew there wouldn't be enough to pay for everything and the debts racked up. He didn't want to discuss it; wouldn't be held down to being accountable for spending. I honestly thought it was partly my fault too. However, since parting my household income has reduced by about £2000 and yet despite having a mortgage, secured loan, 2 children etc I am now better off per month. I know exactly what it in the account at any time and have even started paying off debts etc. I have a christmas savings plan too so I don't fret every December. I no longer have sleepless nights. There were times when my ex suggested selling the house and living in rented to clear bills but I'm so glad I held out. Incidentally, my ex now lives at a relatives house rent free, no bills, and has managed to save zero in over a year.

I think this kind of spending and the denial that goes with it needs real help and there are no quick fixes. I hope you manage to get him to open up as you can't do this alone.

cally6008

Quote -
The Co op keep ringing, usually when I am home on my own. I have repeatedly asked them not to call again, but they just ignore me.

Send a " telephone harrassment " letter to the Co-op and they should stop phoning you

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/factsheets/Pages/03%20EW%20Harassment%20by%20creditors%20and%20debt%20collectors/Page-07.aspx

or maybe this link - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4713757

poppasmurf_bewdley

You are in the situation I was in almost 20 years ago with my wife, so I can sympathise with you.

I think the first thing you need to do is get rid of the joint account, and have your salary paid into a current account of your own. That way, you will at least have some control over some of the money.

I can't suggest what else you can do. In my own case, the problem was solved when we split up. Since that day, I've not had so much as a direct debit that's failed to be paid.

tlc678910

Hi,
Perhaps you could open yourself a new bank account and plan to move the household direct debits across to it.

Ask your husband to set up a direct debit for his share of the bills to this account that goes just after his pay day. What he has left is his. He won't have access to your bill money.

His access to credit cards is going to dry up as they are cancelled as he isn't paying and his poor credit will prevent him from getting anymore.

It might help him to have a very clear idea of what money he has in the bank without taking account of money that needs to remain there for bills. No access to credit might force his hand with living within his means. It sounds like he has had easy access to credit in the past I don't think he would like to have to ask you for money for example.

Good luck
Tlc