Shift in perspective

Mojisola

Sporticus wrote: »

When eating at home we strongly believe that as a family, we all sit down together and eat the same thing.

Unless there is more to the story that is upsetting you, it seems that the solution is in your hands. Change the idea that you all have to eat the same thing.

If you go out to a restaurant, do you all choose the same food to eat?

BigAunty

Like the others, I'm struggling to understand the dilemma you've presented. If your relationship has become stale in some way, how the hell has his decision to cut out animal products made this obvious?

Do you resent how his ethical and consumer choices, despite a lack of direct pressure, has been indirectly forced on the rest of you without any consultation?

Has he become zealous and obsessive in this belief which means he uses it as an excuse to be judgemental of you and/or his peers, or society? Is he a broken record on this topic? Is he becoming dull and humourless because he thinks its such a serious thing, he just can't relax anymore?

Do you think he enjoys the barrier that veganism can sometimes put up, making it harder to socialise with friends and family? Do you feel more isolated, either socially, or emotionally, if he's adopted some kind of 'I am an island' position?

Does he use his beliefs and behaviour as a tool to demonstrate some kind of superiority complex? That he's some kind of visionary and sage while you are some kind of deluded dinosaur?

What is the actual knock-on effect on you and the household practically and emotionally because of his lifestyle change?

Feebie

To give a different perspective. I've recently converted to veganism after many years vegetarian. My partner has been supportive and has decided to join me eating a plant based diet (for health, not ethical, reasons). Upshot is, we're both eating the same but still not on the same page, if that makes sense!

I know my perspective has changed (veganism is a way of living rather than a way of eating) so I think I see where the op is coming from. I hope you can work out a way forward that suits you all.

pollypenny

I'm vegetarian, OH eats meat and we manage to compromise. He'll do vegetarian meals for me, like ratatouille and do meat to go with it for himself.

Veganism is a bit more difficult to manage, but I'm not sure what the problem is unless OP's husband is being saintly about it.

cadon

OP, your OH has never asked you to become veggie/vegan. Does that mean he's never talked to you about why he's decided to become vegan? I wonder if part of the reason why you're upset is that this side of him is something that he shares with his family, discusses with his family and keeps you away from. It's not about not liking the taste of certain foods, here it's about ethics, which are part of our personality/character and as his wife, it's not unreasonable to want to understand all of him, and if not to change with him, to understand how he is changing rather than merely observe it from the distance.

From a practical point of view, it makes life harder for you, if you're the one with primary responsibility for cooking. I've struggled with maintaining balance in a veggie diet before, vegan is even more restrictive and if you're trying to ensure your kids get all the right nutrients, I can see this being a nightmare. You don't say how old they are, but if they're still at the stage where what they eat now is crucial, I can understand why you might feel conflicted and under pressure. You want to ensure they're healthy, you want to respect your OH's beliefs, and you may not see an immediate solution to dealing with both at the same time.

Is his side of the family turning vegan too? From a practical point of view, they may be able to offer up some meal planning solutions which help you keep your OH happy without making you feel guilty about depriving your children of certain vitamins. (People who identify strongly with a particular diet have already done all the research about how to get the right balance and are a good source to tap!) It may be possible that you all have the same evening meal, but that your kids continue to have dairy at other times, e.g. cow's milk with cereal in the morning. Remembering that dinner is but one of three meals a day might help make this change feel less stressful.

Mojisola

Sporticus wrote: »

I have gone with him into changing our household products, toiletries and make up over to one's suitable for veggies and vegans.

Gradually my husband has become vegan as a result of his ethical standards and I applaud him and support him in this. He is a man of strong principles and ideals and I would never dream of asking him to change his ethical standards for me.

I enjoy eating meat when we go out, or when I visit my mum's for tea.

Never once has my husband asked me to turn veggie/vegan. That's not the problem.

He may not have asked outright but isn't there an unspoken pressure to change?

By having this rule that everyone eats the same meal, it means that everyone else in the family has to change what they eat to fit in with his decisions (and he dictates which household products that they use).

You are respecting his choices in life but he isn't doing the same for you. You like meat - why shouldn't you and your children eat meat in your own house?

silvercar

I think it is the fact that he is becoming more extreme in his diet, without any thought for the impact on the family.

You feel the family needs to follow his lead, but really he is the one that is moving the norm.