Shift in perspective

Sporticus

Morning all,

I am totally new to this thread however I'm in need of some support/advice/guidance please.

I am married to a fabulous man who has been a vegetarian for the last 30+ years. His parents are veggie too. I am an omnivore. We have been married for nearly 17 years and therefore cooking and living with a vegetarian has never been an issue.

I rarely cook meat at home and it's really only when we have visitors (kids friends ) that I cook meat. When eating at home we strongly believe that as a family, we all sit down together and eat the same thing.

I er the past couple of years my husband has started to become more ethical in his views. I have gone with him into changing our household products, toiletries and make up over to one's suitable for veggies and vegans.

Gradually my husband has become vegan as a result of his ethical standards and I applaud him and support him in this. He is a man of strong principles and ideals and I would never dream of asking him to change his ethical standards for me.

I enjoy eating meat when we go out, or when I visit my mum's for tea.

Never once has my husband asked me to turn veggie/vegan. That's not the problem.

The problem is that I perceive this to be a major shift in our relationship and feel that he has moved away from me. I accept that this is all my perception and I need some help in shifting me back to where I should be.

I am upset with this development and have withdrawn into myself much more, I am quite an introverted, person. I am pushing him out at the moment (not literally).

We've tried to talk about it however we're still at the same stage. I feel that he's made too much of a shift away from our original standpoint.

I don't want this thread to become a discussion about the merits/ethics of different diets, thank you. I need my perspective on my relationship shifting back to a sensible place.

Over to the floor now...
Thanks for listening.
X

thorsoak

Not intending this as a criticism - so please do not take my comment as such. My comment is - you think he has made too much of a shift away from your original standpoint - might he think that you might have made a shift towards his standpoint now?

Do hope that you can talk it through with him and find your base again x

Georgiegirl256

Sporticus wrote: »

Gradually my husband has become vegan as a result of his ethical standards and I applaud him and support him in this. He is a man of strong principles and ideals and I would never dream of asking him to change his ethical standards for me.

The problem is that I perceive this to be a major shift in our relationship and feel that he has moved away from me. I accept that this is all my perception and I need some help in shifting me back to where I should be.
.

Sorry? Am I missing something here? You say you applaud him and support him, so I'm struggling to see what the problem is here?

pigpen

I would be severely pee'd off in your shoes.. I pandered to the whims of a veggie for 20 years.. his reasons behind it stemmed from his mother being an utterly dreadful cook and having difficulty chewing rubbery meat as a child.. after 20 years he decided to eat meat.. I was furious.. all those years I had cooked different things for him, when we had been to others houses to eat they had put themselves out to provide something he would eat then suddenly it all changes.. it is a massive shift in your routine and tbh vegan diets are incredibly difficult to cater for.

TBH once he had gone I would absolutley not have even considered a relationship with anyone who did not eat meat.

I think you are just reacting to this change in requirements, everything you have cooked and eaten in the last 30 years is now likely to change.. you have deprived yourself of meat in the home to make mealtimes easier for yourself.. I would feel like he was doing it to force me to eat the same as him and that would annoy me, a lot! TBH I'd tell him to do his own meals because I'd not be prepared to eat them.. we are a family and I do the cooking, some things I will allow for, others I absolutely will not and I would not be inconveniencing myself to the point he is asking you too.

Did he even discuss this with you before hand or was it just thrown at you one day and expected you would oblige??

I'd have a big melt down too!

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel about this and while making small household changes is one things expecting you all all to change your habits of the last 30+ years without discussion is unfair on you mainly.

fairy_lights

I think your husband turning vegan is a bit of a red herring to be honest. If he's been vegetarian for years anyway, and doesn't have a problem with you not sharing his diet or ethics then the move to Veganism shouldn't have created a shift in your relationship.
Have you had any other major life changes recently? Or maybe it's just that you've drifted apart slightly as the years have gone by and you've only now taken stock of this.

Jackieboy

It's only food... or is it something more?

onomatopoeia99

Two things stand out - his dietary choices and your insistence that the whole family follows his choices in food consumed at home.

I'm not suggesting you try to change the former, it's his choice and it's clear you support it, but why do you think you (and presumably your children) should also become effectively vegan in your own home as a result of his personal choice? I base this on your assertion that everyone sits down to dinner together and eats the same thing.

Perhaps if you adopted a slightly more independent approach to your own diet at home, it would alleviate your concerns about him moving away from where you were as it would give you both space to be where you want to be personally. It's not necessary to both do the same things all the time in a relationship or for one party to subsume their own preferences to the other.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

It's really easy being a vegetarian in this country, but veganism is a whole other level as it drastically reduces options when eating out or visiting friends. As long as this doesn't create extra work for you, I'm not sure why this constitutes an alienating shift though? Would you feel the same if he had to change his diet through illness, or if he voted differently to when you first met?

I know a few couples where one is veggie and the other isn't and it doesn't seem to cause any issues as cooking is shared.

TBagpuss

I think you might find it helpful to try to clarify for ypourself what specifcally bothers you?

For instnace, if it is priomarily the practical issues of catering to someone who is vegan, then I think you would be fine to talk to him and agree some boundaries .
For example, you could decide that you will continue to cook vegetarian meals and that he can reseach and cook vegan options for himself. You could suggest that he cook some meals for the family as a whole and tht you can then consider whether you enjoy them - you may find that you can reach a compromise whereby some days he cooks and the whole family eat vegan, some days you cook and he makes a separate meal for himself, and maybe sometimes he cooks and he prepares meal which is vege not vegan even if he doesn't eat it.

Then there is the issue about the empotional / relationship side of it - do you feel that he is judging you or critical of you, even if he doesn't say so? Or that he expects you to fall in with his views - or those things I think that you need to sit down and talk to each other. It sounds as though you feel that all of the compromises have been on your side and you are beiinning to resent it, which is entirely natural. Perhaps you need to think about how you can address that (which may be as simple as him acknowledging it, and perhaps taking more responsibility for the day-to-day work (e.g. if he wantsyou to use all fair trade / vegan products, is he willing to take resepnsibility for sourcing, buying nad using them? If he wants to eat a vegan diet is he willing to cook his own meals? Is he willing to cook non-vegan mealsa from time to time so that the whole family can eat together and you get served measl wihich you like nad didn't have to prepare, at least some of the time?)

heuchera

Similar situation here OP, my OH is vegetarian and I (occasionally) eat meat. A lot of our meals are vegan, even if not intentionally, because I don't like much dairy :rotfl:

If I've understood the problem right, you feel your husband is becoming more radical (extreme is the wrong word) and you feel a bit alienated from him now.

Andypandyboy

I had to re read the OP several times to try to understand what the issue might be.

I think the underlying issue is that by having a family "policy" of all eating the same thing at meal times you feel that the shift to Veganism covertly shifts you all in that direction regardless of how much your husband appears to suport your choices.

I think what you need to ask yourself is who instigated this policy and why. Was it his idea or yours? If his then I can see you may feel an element of manipulation with his new regime, if yours then you need to revisit it. It is all very well being supportive but you have your own choices to factor in too, and crucially, those of the children.

In your shoes I would be drawing the line at veganism for myself and the children. Are your wishes less important? Why do you not cook and eat meat at home? Is that really your choice or have you been subtlely manipulated to see this as necessary?

I think it is less about the food and more about your wishes and those of the children being subsumed by the principles of your husband. This can only lead to resentment.

In your shoes I would sit down with him and discuss the changes he has made and start some of your own; cooking and eating meat as and when you fancy it for yourself and the children, eating together but eating different meals, and a general acceptance from him that his are not the only needs that count. If you don't have the time to prepare more than one dish for dinner then he sorts his vegan requirements out.

There may be underlying issues here with control and this shift may be what you have fixed on to start to sort that out. Left unchecked you wil end up feeling you are the passive partner and that your wishes carry no weight in the relationship. It needs addressing.