Nice People Thread No. 15, a Cyber Summer

LydiaJ

Exactly. The problem is that his father is a stranger to him, which is neither Youngest's fault nor yours. If Ex has genetic children who don't want to see him, that's his own doing, and I don't see that you or Youngest or his brothers should have to put yourselves out protecting Ex from the natural consequences of his choice not to invest in any way whatsoever in the wonderful young men who are making such a success of their lives without his assistance.

ETA Sorry if that's too blunt. I feel strongly about it. His lack of care for his sons over the years disgusts me, and the idea that he would blame you for their not liking him makes me see red.

GDB2222

silvercar wrote: »

I have been taking arnica tablets since the procedure. Just put arnica cream on the outside of my cheek.

Lower 6, so a fat double molar. Nothing wrong with it other than the crown had broke off leaving nothing behind, all I had left was a stump of filled root. Wasn't causing pain, but couldn't really stay there topless.

That must have been pretty traumatic. No wonder you're feeling awful at the moment. Hugs from me!

GDB2222

SingleSue wrote: »

That point was brought up and he said that at the time he was OK with going but had started to rethink it afterwards (not that he told anyone).

I think part of the issue is that ex is a virtual stranger to him and that always makes him very anxious and indecisive but at the same time, not wanting to let people down after saying he would do something. He was certainly like a little ball of anxiousness this morning, completely torn as to what he wanted to do whilst feeling not very confident about seeing his father without the other two as a buffer.

His father is a stranger to him, he doesn't know how to talk to him or relate to him and that always makes him very very anxious.

Are they going out to do something fun? That would work okay without the stress of having to relate.

The kids only have the one father. He may not be great at it, but on balance they're better off not severing contact. Who knows, maybe he'll get better with practice?

Pyxis

SingleSue wrote: »

He went in the end, not enthusiastically but it was his own decision.

He never did like doing things without his brothers and to be honest, his father is pretty much a stranger to him..he's only seen him 10 times in the last 10 years for a total of less than 24 hours!

silvercar wrote: »

I have been taking arnica tablets since the procedure. Just put arnica cream on the outside of my cheek.

Lower 6, so a fat double molar. Nothing wrong with it other than the crown had broke off leaving nothing behind, all I had left was a stump of filled root. Wasn't causing pain, but couldn't really stay there topless.

No toffees for you, then!

SingleSue

GDB2222 wrote: »

Are they going out to do something fun? That would work okay without the stress of having to relate.

The kids only have the one father. He may not be great at it, but on balance they're better off not severing contact. Who knows, maybe he'll get better with practice?

Shopping, something he hates almost with a passion.

I'm with you on the only one father hence why I try to keep channels open.

LydiaJ

GDB2222 wrote: »

Are they going out to do something fun? That would work okay without the stress of having to relate.

The kids only have the one father. He may not be great at it, but on balance they're better off not severing contact. Who knows, maybe he'll get better with practice?

For the last decade, he's been showing up once a year or so to spend a few hours with the boys doing something that he chooses regardless of what they like. They are usually in a worse emotional state by the end of it than they were before he arrived. Do you really think that's better than no father at all? Do you really think that level of practice is at all likely to result in him getting better at it?

Don't get me wrong - a good father is a wonderful thing to have - I have one myself and am enormously grateful for him. A halfway decent father is a lot better than nothing - it is a continuing sadness to me that my kids don't even have that. But this man does nothing for months on end, and then expects his sons and ex-wife to be happy when he feels like doling out a few crumbs of poorly considered attention, strictly on his own terms. I don't see why they should feel obliged to pretend that they like it. While I agree that it's good for Sue not to close the channels of communication down, or stand in his way, nevertheless, if her boys choose to reject him, I don't see that she's under any obligation to persuade them otherwise.

Pyxis

I'm not sure I agree, Lydia.

Don't get me wrong, I feel the same, but I also think that offspring find it very easy to blame their mother for all sorts of things, even when we know the mother isn't at fault at all.

I think Sue is right in trying to gently persuade said son to see his father, as he had originally agreed to, and so will avoid the possibility of a retort at some stage, in the near or distant future.

There can then be no reproach by anyone, whether that reproach be just or unjust.

I know from personal experience that dealing with an ex over children matters is like walking a tightrope, and the slightest perceived thing is thrown back in your face, either by said ex or by the children, even when they're grown up.

GDB2222

SingleSue wrote: »

Shopping, something he hates almost with a passion.

I'm with you on the only one father hence why I try to keep channels open.

Can you help him to be better at this?

Explain, for example, that the boys find it very difficult that he only turns up once a year? They'd rather hear from him more often, even if that's for less time.

Also, you could tell him what the boys do like to do.

ivyleaf

Pyxis wrote: »

This one?.........

Yes, this one!

Pyxis

ivyleaf wrote: »

Yes, this one!

That's quite a sweet one! Not scary at all!