How to motivate someone to think about saving...?

Tygermoth

Oh and pennies flying out of YOUR bank account. Er no, you are married. Its both of your money.

KRB2725

If my husband posted this about me, I can guarantee that he wouldn't get close enough to me to conceive a second child!

He wouldn't post it though as my husband would be on cloud 9 if they were the only things I needed "motivating" about!

enthusiasticsaver

If your budget is so tight you have become obsessive about the petty savings you mention you should not be trying for a second baby and she should be thinking about going back to work. If you are being penny pinching then just consider what your wife is going through. She has had to sacrifice her salary and live on YOUR money alone (actually it is joint money as I am guessing she didn't have your child alone). She is probably exhausted, sleep deprived and yes bored because she is at home all day with a small child and then having to listen to petty miserliness from you in the evening. Sorry to be so blunt but at the moment your priorities lie elsewhere. Is she heavily in debt? I am guessing not as you said she is economising. Support your wife, enjoy your child and look at the bigger picture. You are going to have to be a bit more relaxed about this stuff with children as I guarantee they won't be turning lights off every time they leave a room.

Pollycat

Oh dear! I don't think this is going the way the OP probably expected.

I agree with all the replies.
The OP's wife has already made significant changes to her lifestyle and I think the 'changes' the OP mentions are pretty small.

All work and no play makes Jack (or pugmanic) a dull boy (and will quite possibly p**s the wife off).

pugmanic

I'd like to thank everyone for their help and kind words... oh, wait, actually...

AnotherJoe wrote: »

she will be flying out of your life.

obsessed

trivial

"died alone but with an extra £500 in bank account"?

divorce

OTT nagging

cause of the breakup.

Work on fixing your unhealthy obsession

for goodness sake listen to yourself whinging about that

utter utter insignificance

I can see your relationship heading for rock bottom or worse.

Tygermoth wrote: »

Oh and pennies flying out of YOUR bank account. Er no, you are married. Its both of your money.

Hold on - I'm well aware that the money isn't mine. It just so happens that the bills are paid from my account. Everything that I do is for my family. Every penny I earn is spent on them. But please crucify me anyway. I deserve it obviously.

Pollycat wrote: »

Oh dear! I don't think this is going the way the OP probably expected.

No - not quite. Is there an MSE Firing squad comparison tool I can use to arrange for my own dispatch? Or perhaps there would be willing volunteers from this forum? Please form an orderly queue.

I wasn't expecting as much sarcasm or apparent hatred from a post asking for help or advice. I will be sure not to post anything further on MSE for fear of causing more outrage from the Keyboard warriors.

Pollycat wrote: »

The OP's wife has already made significant changes to her lifestyle and I think the 'changes' the OP mentions are pretty small.

Yes - I thought I had been clear in saying how much effort she had put in to changing so far. I am proud of what she has accomplished in a very short time.
She has gone from having no responsibilities, to being part of a family. She has changed significantly, as have I (though clearly not sufficiently to appease the members of this forum).

I have now contacted the Forum administrator and asked that this post is closed so that it doesn't offend anyone else.

pickledonionspaceraider

Well done haters - that is another person asking for help, who has been completely alienated

pearl123

pugmanic wrote: »

Hi, I have been a long time user of the MSE website, but not really used the forums much. I've decided to ask for opinions on how I may be able to motivate my wife to think about money.

Before I met my wife, she was young, free and single and she lived life very much in that way. She spent every penny she that she earned, each and every month. She worked for rich people, and socialised in Westminster (Chelsea).

When we started living together, she changed her habits, to some extent. She now has savings. She used cashback websites. She shops around for better prices etc.

Now things have moved on again, we are Married and we are living on my salary alone. My wife looks after our first baby, and we are trying for another.

Financially to me, this makes me think; "Ok we need to be mindful of all outgoings, and do what we can to be careful, and not be wasteful... etc."

My wifes mind thinks; "I now need to start buying more baby clothes and toys stuff second hand."

It is a step in the right direction, but what I really need help with is ways of motivating her to think about the basics. As you know its often the little things that add up, like;

• Closing doors to keep the heat in
• Turning off lights when you leave a room
• Turning off a tap when you don't need it (yes we are on a meter)
• Not running the hot tap whilst brushing your teeth
• Closing the fridge / oven door when you are doing something else

Any attempt I make to help, closing doors etc.) is taken negatively. Any time I ask her to do something is taken as criticism.

I know she has come a long way so far, and I don't want to frustrate or alienate her, so do I ignore everything and just watch the £&p fly out of my account??

It really does come across that you are bulling your wife about pretty minor things which only really amount to pennies. This sort of nit-picking can make a person very miserable.
If your wife used to socialise in Westminster but is now buying second hand clothes it sounds like she has made quite a major adjustment to be with you.

I would not be happy using second hand baby cloths but would buy them only if I financially had to. If the little things like closing doors and lights mean so much to you then just turn them off and close them as you come across them. Your wife priority is the baby not the very minor penny pinching stuff.
Observing how you behave. RE: turning stuff off may eventually lead to her eventually doing it herself.
For a few pennies it's best to keep the peace!

KRB2725

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Well done haters - that is another person asking for help, who has been completely alienated

I don't think when you are asking for help to "motivate" your wife over relatively trivial annoyances, that you can really expect not to receive some negative comments.

Whilst the responses may be somewhat harsh, sometimes it is a good thing to see how our behaviour is perceived by others. In all honesty, I would be furious if my husband was noticing and commenting on me leaving a fridge door open or a light on.

Being a new parent is hard. It's hard on both parents and the OP may be feeling under a lot of financial pressure. Posted differently, it may have got different responses.

'We've just had a baby, are living on one salary and I'm feeling stressed about it' reads very differently to 'we've had a baby and these are the things my wife is doing that wastes money'.

TBagpuss

I think you and your wife are both making adjustments - you've gone from a 2 income family to a one income family with increased outgoings, you are both probably still adjusting.

A frew things to think about. You mentioned "she has savings " and "money flying out of my account" - which suggests that you have some separate accounts - it might be worth sitting down and discussing how you organise your finances to take account the changes in your situation - for instnace, having a joint avccountfrom which all bills etc are paid, a jpint savigns account for things like holidays and separate accoutns for each of you for personal spending, with the same amount going from the joint account to each of, might work. Itcould potentially help you from feeling that it is "your" money going on bills, and might help her to feel more independent and equal - it can be very hard to go from feeling that you are finacially independent, to feeling like a dependent (even when you know that caring for a child is equally valuable, and you know that your spouse knows that!)
Added bonus that an arangement like that still works if she starts to earn again, or when one or other of you has chnages in your incomes.

A second thing you can do is have a discussion with her where you make sure that you are framing it as how your feel - saying "I feel worried about our finances" is much less likely to trigger an argument than "can you do x to save money"

I thnk if you go round closing doors etc it comes agross as quite critical even if there wasn't the added factor of the change or her of going from an equal financial contributor to one who is doing a ( difficult and demanding) unpaid job.

Try to stop yourself from doing it . Instead, look at trying to have a conversation with your wife - "I'm a bit stressed about our financial situation, I know that me closing doors won't make much of a difference but it makes me feel better when I do it - it makes me feel like I'm lowering our heating bills. Can ypou look on it a s a nervous twitch and not as a criticism ofyou?" and then go on to ask her how she feels your finances are, and whether there are more things which you can both work on to save money.

Good Luck

pickledonionspaceraider

emmatthews wrote: »

I don't think when you are asking for help to "motivate" your wife over relatively trivial annoyances, that you can really expect not to receive some negative comments.

Whilst the responses may be somewhat harsh, sometimes it is a good thing to see how our behaviour is perceived by others. In all honesty, I would be furious if my husband was noticing and commenting on me leaving a fridge door open or a light on.

Being a new parent is hard. It's hard on both parents and the OP may be feeling under a lot of financial pressure. Posted differently, it may have got different responses.

'We've just had a baby, are living on one salary and I'm feeling stressed about it' reads very differently to 'we've had a baby and these are the things my wife is doing that wastes money'.

This forum has got unbelievably sad and there is no justification for peoples behaviour on here, none at all.

This board used to be a good way to find out information and ask for help. Now it is just full of pent up frustrated people looking to tear chunks out of anyone and each other