How do I support my friend?

VujaDe

Throwaway account as my friend knows my user name.

One of my dearest friends has been married for 15 years, and has two children aged 9 and 5. I've never been that keen on her husband, as he can be rather pompous and full of himself (not just me that thinks that, plenty of her friends and some relatives, including her sister feel the same), but my friend obviously loves him so I've respected that. I don't have that much to do with him.

Just before Christmas, my friend found out that her husband had been having an affair for ten years. She was sent proof of this by the other woman (who sounds a real piece of work!) who had found out that the husband had been cheating on the lover with yet another woman for 5 years. Some sort of skewed morality going on there in that the other woman didn't seem to be bothered that there was a wife, but kicked off when she found out that he was cheating with a third woman!

It's obviously been an awful time for my friend, and she has been in shock about the whole situation. However, her husband has stayed in the marital home, and she is now trying to make a go of things with him.

I'm finding it so hard to bite my tongue - part of me wants to scream at her that her wonderful husband started cheating on her when she was pregnant with their first child, and then started up with someone else on the side when she was pregnant with their second child. She seems to be in denial about this whole situation, and from an outsider's point of view she has forgiven him completely, and just let him get away with this huge betrayal. She says that he has finished with both women, and sworn they meant nothing and he'll never do anything like this again - to me that sounds like every cheater who's been caught out and is trying to save their skin.

I want to support her, but don't really know how to go about it. I feel that she is making the wrong decision in not kicking him out, but I realise that if I want to keep our friendship I am going to have to accept the decision. The thought of seeing the husband makes me feel sick.

Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

KRB2725

Bite your tongue, but just remind her when she's talking to you about it that she is making a choice to stay with him, she doesn't have to. I would suggest to her that she (they) get some help from Relate.

Call me cynical, but if there's been two mistresses they'll likely be a third. Maybe the third time will be her wake up call.

I have been in your situation, my friend is still with him years later. I still can't bear to be in his company and avoid it if I can.

Peter333

VujaDe wrote: »

Throwaway account as my friend knows my user name.

Playing devil's advocate; if your friend knows your username, that means she must come on this site. So she will almost certainly recognise herself in this post! :eek:

Andypandyboy

Sadly, we had friends that this happened to, they are still married now many years later. It caused us to have to distance ourselves from them as a couple though because I worried that I would find out about the next affair (and I am sure there were others) and would be in a hard position. I moved in the same job circle and had the same group of extended friends. We moved house and that became our excuse to take a step back.

They may make a go of it, and really it is up to them, but it is hard to stand by and watch, so I don't envy your situation. All you can do is be there if it does fall apart, which is what we would have done if it had ever come down to it.

Candyapple

Three women on the go at the same time as well as two kids? However did he find the time?! How do you live with that level of betrayal? Bad enough to have 1 affair, but to be having 2 at the same time? He is a cake-eater of the highest level.

Harsh truth - Your friend is a mug if she stays with him. All trust would have been destroyed. It will happen again. And if she stays “for the kids” then that’s even worse as it will only show them what a pushover she is and if she has a son, he will see that it is ok to cheat on and treat women that way, and a daughter - that it is ok if a man cheats on you.

You don't keep someone as your mistress for over 10 years if they "meant nothing" to you. That is a decade of your life. Most marriages don't even last that long these days!

Now that he has been found out, he’ll just be extra careful with his next mistress so as not to get caught, or if he does get caught, he knows it won’t matter as his wife is a doormat and the cycle will continue. Do you really want to be a party to all that drama and the fallout? I get that she is a good friend, but be prepared for your friendship to take a back-seat because unless you are happy with seeing him every time you visit her, my guess is you won’t be visiting very often. She needs to know what a bad decision she is making. He can still be a good father to her children without being her husband; which clearly he was never interested in being in the first place. Good luck, tough situation to be in.

VujaDe

Thank you for the replies. My friend doesn't come on here as far as I know, but my other user name is the same as my twitter name and a few other forums, so I didn't want to take the risk.

lika_86

Not your relationship, not your problem. All you can do is support her if she decides in time that she wants to leave him.

Kicking out a cheating husband when they have a home and two young-ish children together isn't a decision to take lightly, in the absence of something better she may decide that living in a relationship with a man who may be playing around may be better than struggling along with two children alone most of the time, having to potentially move somewhere smaller and potentially (I don't know her situation) go back to work/work more.

You shouldn't impose your sense of the world on someone else when you aren't in their shoes.

Alikay

I'd say continue being friends with her, and arrange outings or activities with her and the children that don't include him - perhaps trips to a country park during school holidays, DVD nights when her husband is out etc. Then when they split up (and they almost certainly will...) you and your family/partner will be family friends who are firmly established exclusive of her husband.

Lostinthenorth

Horrible situation to be in - I've been in a similar one, except it was the wife that cheated. I'd be there in the background for your friend - you say you don't have much to do with her husband anyway. Arrange girly things that don't have to involve her husband. It's early days yet for her to be making final decisions. She may yet change her mind about staying with her husband. Either way, you can try to be neutral and supportive while avoiding seeing the husband if at all possible.

Lostinthenorth

I've just realised that in my reply I've assumed that you are female - apologies if this is not the case.

VujaDe

Yes, I am female!