How do I support my friend?

heuchera

VujaDe wrote: »

Throwaway account as my friend knows my user name.

One of my dearest friends has been married for 15 years, and has two children aged 9 and 5. I've never been that keen on her husband, as he can be rather pompous and full of himself (not just me that thinks that, plenty of her friends and some relatives, including her sister feel the same), but my friend obviously loves him so I've respected that. I don't have that much to do with him.

Just before Christmas, my friend found out that her husband had been having an affair for ten years. She was sent proof of this by the other woman (who sounds a real piece of work!) who had found out that the husband had been cheating on the lover with yet another woman for 5 years. Some sort of skewed morality going on there in that the other woman didn't seem to be bothered that there was a wife, but kicked off when she found out that he was cheating with a third woman!

It's obviously been an awful time for my friend, and she has been in shock about the whole situation. However, her husband has stayed in the marital home, and she is now trying to make a go of things with him.

I'm finding it so hard to bite my tongue - part of me wants to scream at her that her wonderful husband started cheating on her when she was pregnant with their first child, and then started up with someone else on the side when she was pregnant with their second child. She seems to be in denial about this whole situation, and from an outsider's point of view she has forgiven him completely, and just let him get away with this huge betrayal. She says that he has finished with both women, and sworn they meant nothing and he'll never do anything like this again - to me that sounds like every cheater who's been caught out and is trying to save their skin.

I want to support her, but don't really know how to go about it. I feel that she is making the wrong decision in not kicking him out, but I realise that if I want to keep our friendship I am going to have to accept the decision. The thought of seeing the husband makes me feel sick.

Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

When Martin says this site has more than one million members, is he taking into account the half million "members" who start new accounts on this board :rotfl:

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I was in a similar situation with a friend who was in an abusive relationship. All her friends were furious with the bloke, but the more we urged her to dump him, the more she defended him, convinced she could change him. All we could do was keep quiet and offer support if needed. Thankfully she did come to her senses and leave him .

Leading a double/triple life sounds exhausting. Is it his job that allows unexplained absences? If that doesn't change I have no idea how she could ever trust him.

LameWolf

Much as you might want to pick your friend up by the scruff of the neck and shake some sense into her, the fact is she's a grown woman, and must make the decision to split or stay herself.
All you can really do is be there for her to help pick up the pieces.:(

pigpen

When it was my friend I told her he is a piece of poo.. that nothing she ever did or didn't do would change him because it was just his nature and he is loathsome and she is worth so much more ... but also I love her and I was her friend long before she ever met him and I would always always be there if and when she needed me. I told her because I valued her as my friend and as a person I would be civil to him but that was all.

That is what I did.

2 years later he went to work at new year and never came home again.. we are still friends and he has just done exactly the same to the woman he left my friend for.


When another friend was in the same position a few years later I said exactly the same to her.. sure enough 18 months later I was helping her move into a new home without him.

Say your bit, make it clear where your loyalties lie and don't mention it again, until someone is ready emotionally you cannot make them do anything... time will sort it out.

meritaten

I agree with those above who say to have your say, but make it crystal clear that you will support her.

It IS her decision and she may be doing it 'for the childrens sake' or because she genuinely believes him that he wont do it again. and it isn't written in stone that he will. people can change and maybe he will, and maybe he wont.
The most important thing is that you are there for her.

-taff

It doesn't matter what you say or do she will make her own decisons. ou may be finding it hard to suport her, that;s normal, but you won't change anything by telling her she's an idiot.
Just keep in touch and bite your tongue.

Rev

I'd be honest but supportive.

They her you think he's a gigantic tool and don't think she should even consider taking the cheater back, but if she does decide that's what is best for her than you will support her as you always have.


That's what I did when my best friend found out her OH was cheating. You owe it to her to be honest, that's what friends do, tell the truth even if we don't actually want to hear it. But also don't let your personal feelings get in the way of offering her support.

Primrose

Her priority right now is the wellbeing of her children and trying to mantain a stable environment for them so only she can decide how best to move forward. She may well still be carrying a load of doubts about him which will not be helped if family or friends are still undermining her marriage.

Be honest with her. Tell her that you will always be there to support her as her friend but find it difficult to have any contact with her husband in the circumstances. Avoid mentioning him in discussions so that she doesn't feel her current loyalty is being undermined and try to spend time together away from his presence. Time will tell whether she has made the right decision or not. In the meantime just try and remain silent on the topic, however difficult it is, or you will make it harder for her trying to fight battles on two fronts.

yvonne13_2

I'm sorry to hear that your friend's in denial, but if we’re all honest most of us can't hear constructive criticism until it's too late.

jjj1980

My father acted like this when I was young and actually had a child with the other woman when I was 6. My mum agreed to give him another chance as long as he stopped the relationship with the woman and just saw his child. Despite his many promises to the contrary, he carried on the relationship for a further 2 years before my mum found out what he was he was up to again.


I was 8 at the time and quite a mature 8, so fully understood the level of betrayal he had committed and I have to say, the last thing I would ever say about him even to this day is that he is a decent father! NO decent parent acts this way.


15 years after marrying the other woman, he was found out to be cheating with two of her church friends! On separating form her, my mum instantly took him back. A decision I don't think I will ever understand and have never been in support of. Both my mum and father know this. My half brother and I have no real father-child relationship with him, we are both much closer to our respective uncles.