Closing down the "Widows" support thread 3 February 2016 at 12:45AM in Over 50s MoneySaving 28 replies 5.6K views

lessonlearned

What a pity someone has found it necessary to ensure the closure of of the bereavement support thread.

It was unnecessary.

In among the "tea and sympathy" there was a lot of advice on practical matters, such as finance, funeral arrangements, life insurance, pensions, how to get through the dark days etc

This could have been a valuable resource to someone who was struggling to find their way through the bureaucratic nightmare that engulfs the newly bereaved and who may have needed to read how others have coped.

Such a shame that the thread could not have been allowed to either wind down quietly whilst remaining live or continue in more less its present format to help those in their hour of need.

The thread had developed a life of its own and did not need either KIttie or myself to continue to make contributions.

Why let the events of the last couple of days detract from the value of the thread.

There is absolutely no reason why it could not have lived another day, continuing to evolve to provide support and give encouragement to others who will sadly suffer bereavement.

Pollycat

I don't think I read the thread and it sounds like something possibly 'kicked off' (not sure what you mean by 'the events of the last couple of days').

If there was nothing wrong with the thread, why not contact MSE and ask for it to be reinstated?

elona

I did read the thread and found it a help and solace since losing DH in May. Just knowing I was not the only one struggling with paperwork etc. and finding it difficult to do the simplest things some days was a relief.

There was also a lot of practical information on there and ideas to access counselling, social activities and other help.

There are so many people who if they did not post still found help there when reading about the day to day mundane yet sometimes inspirational events in our lives.

It was a "safe" place that gave comfort and it is so sad if it is destroyed.
activities.

[Deleted User]

my goodness. That was a shock. Such a helpful thread with a lot of helpful encouraging and kind people, not perfect but lots of very useful information on there. It was somewhere to go when we widows needed a bit of support, practical or otherwise

Pollycat, things did happen in the past few days which quite suddenly changed the nature of the thread, until then and for a long period, it was a comfortable and kindly thread.

So now it is destroyed, to go down the pan

moneyistooshorttomention

Is it a possibility to give a link on this thread for that one up to the end of page 56 (ie up to and including post 1120 on the set-up I have on my p.c.)?

.....and then continue as per normal from then onwards - and ignore the posts 1121 onwards on that old thread (though that would mean ignoring some useful ones as well unfortunately).

That would cut out the bit where it all started going adrift (though many of the posts concerned seemed to have been removed by MSE).

Pollycat

Has anyone actually contacted MSE to ask for it to be reinstated with any 'offending' posts removed?

If it's as useful as you all say, it might be worth explaining that to MSE.
Given the board it's on and the subject matter, such a request may be viewed favourably.

hunters

It is indeed a great shame the thread was closed especially when more people were backing up the two people who were hounded from the thread yesterday for daring to disagree with the OP of the thread. The first edit of the opening post was very unpleasant.

Missbiggles1 I hope you got some solace from the event yesterday and don't feel so down today.

Mumps I hope your procedure goes well and remember a lot of people are routing for you.

Biggles

You don't close a whole thread down because one or two posters have a barney. The final post says it's run its course and someone seems to have taken that as a fact, which it isn't.

And missbiggles (er, no relation etc!) has always seemed a perfectly reasonable poster. MSE need to take a step back and consider the right thing to do.

Pollycat

Biggles wrote: »

You don't close a whole thread down because one or two posters have a barney. The final post says it's run its course and someone seems to have taken that as a fact, which it isn't.

And missbiggles (er, no relation etc!) has always seemed a perfectly reasonable poster. MSE need to take a step back and consider the right thing to do.

But if nobody is in dialogue with them, they won't be doing anything.

irishjohn

Although not a Widow / Widower the Bereavement thread was one I followed with interest and felt able to make some comments - I can remember especially one instance where I felt I wanted to add in my thoughts on how close friends and relatives were turning out to be a disappointment to the bereaved, and how it may be a good idea to not be too quick to dismiss these people.

It is a Thread I felt welcomed to and I also found that the OP and those who had been posting regularly from the start of the thread made it quite clear that all those who contributed were welcome. There were many different emotional reactions to the difficulties of the new stage in life that bereavement had led these contributors to.

Some of the contributors demonstrated that they were intent on dealing with the new set of circumstances while others were still too consumed with grief to see how they could possibly get to a better place emotionally.

In the time the post was active the OP and other regulars put a great deal of time and effort into remaining positive and tried to encourage those who were finding that journey difficult. I do not remember any posts where they posted anything critical about the negativity but in a steadfast way they continued to maintain a positive journey, and while it may have seemed a bit like Kittie's Blog I am sure there are more than me who found all the posts an interesting commentary on what is a horrendous journey many have to make at some stage in their lives. I felt privileged to be able to add some of my thoughts when I could.

Some of the originals tried to step back from the Thread at a point where they felt the time had come to throw away the crutches and walk unaided, and how good it was that they felt able to come back and admit that their legs were still a bit like jelly and some support was needed.

My view on the recent postings is that the honest and sincere hopes and aspirations of some on the journey were read by others who, because they are in a difficult place at this stage in their lives, saw the aspirations as being personal comments directed at them and reacted emotionally. This resulted in a bit of "he said and she said over reaction" and people starting to publically take sides in a bit of a spat that should not have occurred.

What should have occurred was that everyone continued to read a thread supporting people recently affected by bereavement and if something was said that seemed harsh or unfair it might have been better dealt with by private message in a spirit of friendship.

No one should have been PPRed - which undoubtably will have happened because of a report of abuse by someone else. No one other than the OP should have requested the closure of the Thread.

However the last few pages of posts did rather pull it away from its original objective and perhaps closure is best in the circumstances. It will remain available to be read by anyone who finds it, perhaps by doing a forum search on keywords such as widow or bereavement.

I rather hope that this thread will become a replacement for the closed one, and that all who feel they want to comment on their journey and read about the journey of others will feel welcome and feel able to be a part of it.

[Deleted User]

The thread has run its course and there is no point in raking up old coals now. There is plenty of opportunity if anyone wants to start a new thread on how to deal, mentally and practically, with certain issues that did come up towards the end of the thread.

A dedicated thread may well maintain a better tone throughout and would be supportive to people going through their own personal crises, not necessarily having actually been through a close bereavement or having to suddenly learn to live as a single

Living in the moment is how I get through life now, it is a nice place to be.