Ideally a question for separated dads from their kids

[Deleted User]

Ok i'm struggling here and need some advice from any men who have split up from their wife's who have kids.

My situation is my stbx and i are separating and we have a 4 year old girl.
I realize now there is no saving our marriage and we are selling the family home to split and move to our own homes.

My situation, i work away for 2 - 3 weeks then home for 2 - 3 weeks, my family and most of my friends live about 35 mins away in a car.

My wife has lived in the town we are in since a little girl and her family and friends are there too as is her work and daughters school.

My dilema is i want to see my girl as much as possible when i am home and my stbx agrees that's best as well. What i am really struggling with is do i stay in the area we are in now and buy something, that way it will be easier to spend time with my girl when i am home, maybe picking her up and dropping her at school weekends etc etc.

I don't really have any friends where we are except the couples who were friends of my wife so i can see how they are going to side during this (and that is perfectly understandable), hence my feeling i will feel trapped and lonely when i am home and my daughter is not with me. I understand life is what you make of it and will endeavor to join clubs, start my old hobbies again and make plans to see friends much more than i have been doing over the last few years.

All my family and friends are 35-40 mins away in another town and they all want me to buy a house closer to them (this makes sense to me as i will need my family and friends during these times for help and support). However they all think 35-40 mins in a car is acceptable for me driving over to see my girl then another 35-40 mins taking her back to mine. (How practical will that be in reality as my daughter sometimes has classes on the Sat/Sun's so if she's with me it's lot of driving about in the car rather than quality time together)

I did think about living in a town between the 2 places so its only 20 mins in the car back to her mum's town but then again i will still be 20 mins from family and friends with me again not knowing anyone in that area and still having to drive or get a taxi if i ever wanted a night out with friends.

I'm torn with what to do so asking any other father's out there if they have been through something similar?
I really want to keep that bond me and my daughter have and be there for her as much as possible.

Fosterdog

It is a tough situation to be in, would it be easier to rent somewhere rather than buy on a 6 or 12 month tenancy agreement, that way if it doesn't work out in the area you've chosen you can move again in the near future.

My OH and his wife are divorced and have children, when they first separated they lived just five minutes away from each other and the children came and went as they pleased between both homes but within six months his ex moved a 20 min drive away. It was still doable, it was the other side of the same town and just meant either meeting up in town centre for pick up and drop off or each parent taking it in turns to drive to the others home.

kingfisherblue

You asked the same question back in November. I think you are likely to receive similar replies.

In the end, you are the only person who can make this decision.

Person_one

I thought this sounded very familiar.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5361832

Here's your previous thread on the subject. You might get some new people posting but it doesn't seem as though anything has changed in the situation so as kingfisher blue says, the answers are likely to be very similar.

Whatever decision you do make is not irreversible forever, you can change things at a later date if need be.

Jagraf

Hello - your situation is difficult, but not unique. 1/3 of people have to go through this and it's painful.

My response is the same as last time. You live close to your daughter.

fishybusiness

When you say you want to see your daughter as much as possible, what do you mean? For example, is she likely to live with you for two weeks when you are home, and you do all of the running around, clubs, school as she gets older?

There is a really big difference between spending time with your daughter and having full responsibility for a length of time, say the 2 weeks I mentioned. I think having a clear view of your role will help you decide.

If your daughter is likely to go back to mum mostly, or often, and mum maintains responsibility for your daughters life, appointments, doctors and school, you may be best setting up your life in favour of your future, and put up with the travelling.

If on the other hand she will stay with you and you take that responsibility on, you are probably best being close to mum so save lots of regular travelling time.

Also, when she gets a bit older she will have made friends at school and will want time with them maybe in the evenings, but definitely at the weekends. If you are local to her, you could help arrange friends over or her going to friends, and it would be easy. If you are some distance away it will become more difficult as she grows.

School clubs may eat in to pick up time, being irregular and sometimes cancelled at short notice - could be a real pain if you are 40 minutes away and have your day planned.

35 minutes either way to a weekend club isn't so bad, if you have your daughter over for a few days. If combined with all of the school runs it will take over your weeks off - essentially you would be mum and dad.

I've done it, it was just part of life, my children moved closer and are at the end of our road now. I moved closer to them 4 years ago, previously it was a 35 minutes drive, then a 8 minute drive, now it is a walk.

I am emotionally closer to my kids now, they come and go as they please, I do school pickups, take them to club, feed them, sort out life issues etc. Basically I see them all week and I am grateful for that. Food for thought.

The renting idea is a great one, would give you chance to get a feel for how things are going before committing.

duchy

I don't remember if I posted on the other thread or not but I remember reading it.

The closer you live to your daughter the better the chance of you having a more "domestic" relationship with her. By domestic I mean you can do things on the spur of the moment -and have more time together. For example if you live 20 mins away and you have her on a Sunday - the odds are for time and organizational reasons she'd probably go home on the Sunday night - but if you live close to her home and school it might be possible for her to stay and you take her to school on the Monday morning.

Twenty minutes doesn't sound far -but it starts to make it more like "visiting Dad" rather than having you close enough to be able to not have to plan but be spontaneous. Is it really 20 mins even in rush hour (for school runs etc)?

Twenty minutes a day each way - so forty minutes round trip so if you are home one week a month seeing your daughter part of the day for five days is at least 3 hours every week in the car just travelling to or from -time you be doing quality things together rather than just sitting in the car - that's pretty much a day and a half a year of precious time wasted.

In your shoes I'd try renting close by the first year -and then re-evaluate- see how it has worked out- and how your relationship with your ex is by then - You may find the proximity works and you can live close by and successfully co-parent -or you may find it might work better with more distance-or other things have changed but moving back later might be more difficult as there might be a perception you are moving back onto her "turf" whereas if you never left that problem doesn't arise.

Last time I think most people said stay close - yet you still can't decide. What is the thing that concerns you most that could be a problem if you don't move away ?

tea_lover

Is this any different to the last time you asked the question?

fishybusiness

Totally agree with duchy, it is the small things, the spontaneous go to dads, or dad is cooking something nice so 'little un' asks to come over, just makes the relationship so much more natural than arranged time and days.

Less stressful too.

theoretica

Would you rather drive to see your daughter (who won't be driving to see you) or drive to see your family and friends (who might)?

burlington6

35-40 minutes is nothing. People do more than this every day to get to work.

It's for your daughter, just do it