Separating with 4 year old but where do I go?

[Deleted User]

Ok so my wife and I are separating, we have a 4 year daughter who will live with her mother.
I work away offshore but when I am home I am stuck where to move to when we separate.
My daughter is my world and I want to see as much as possible of her and there is no bad feelings between me and my wife so that won't be an issue.
The problem I have is my daughter has lots of classes on a weekend and I was thinking of how that will work if she stays with me sometimes. I was thinking of 3 options.

1, I buy another house in the same place we live now so it's near her school and there won't be too much travel between homes. Only thing with this is I am from a different area about 1 hour away where my family lives and most of my friends and to be honest I don't really know many people apart from my wife's friends. There is a lively night time scene and I have no doubts I could make new friends there but still I run the risk of bumping into my wife's family and friends much more and do I want that or just a plain clear start.

2, There is a nice place in the middle of my old area and where I live now so I could maybe buy a house there and be 30mins away from my daughter or family and friends. Only problem here is the house prices so less house for your money and it is a bit secluded.

3, I move back to my old town closer to family and friends, I know it's never going to be the same as 20 years ago but still I would be closer to family and friends who I may need more than I think I do at the moment. The problem with this is it would be an hour trip to see my daughter and a hour bringing her back to mine and if she has classes at the weekend how would a sleep over at mine work as I'd want her to keep going as she enjoys them.

It's such a hard choice to make as I want to be in my girls life as much as possible with regards to picking her up from school some nights and not having to travel for a 2 hour round trip in the car if she stays at mine in my old town.

Anyone ever been through anything similar?

conradmum

Deleted_User wrote: »

Ok so my wife and I are separating, we have a 4 year daughter who will live with her mother.
I work away offshore but when I am home I am stuck where to move to when we separate.
My daughter is my world and I want to see as much as possible of her and there is no bad feelings between me and my wife so that won't be an issue.
The problem I have is my daughter has lots of classes on a weekend and I was thinking of how that will work if she stays with me sometimes. I was thinking of 3 options.

1, I buy another house in the same place we live now so it's near her school and there won't be too much travel between homes. Only thing with this is I am from a different area about 1 hour away where my family lives and most of my friends and to be honest I don't really know many people apart from my wife's friends. There is a lively night time scene and I have no doubts I could make new friends there but still I run the risk of bumping into my wife's family and friends much more and do I want that or just a plain clear start.

2, There is a nice place in the middle of my old area and where I live now so I could maybe buy a house there and be 30mins away from my daughter or family and friends. Only problem here is the house prices so less house for your money and it is a bit secluded.

3, I move back to my old town closer to family and friends, I know it's never going to be the same as 20 years ago but still I would be closer to family and friends who I may need more than I think I do at the moment. The problem with this is it would be an hour trip to see my daughter and a hour bringing her back to mine and if she has classes at the weekend how would a sleep over at mine work as I'd want her to keep going as she enjoys them.

It's such a hard choice to make as I want to be in my girls life as much as possible with regards to picking her up from school some nights and not having to travel for a 2 hour round trip in the car if she stays at mine in my old town.

Anyone ever been through anything similar?

It can be very hard for fathers to maintain contact with their children after separation. If your daughter is your priority - and it sounds as though she is - buy a house as near as you can to her. Everything else will fall into place with time, especially seeing your ex's family and friends. If the split is amicable, they will get used to seeing you and you them, providing everyone is grown up about it.

One point to consider for the above scenario, however, is that both you and your partner will come into contact with new partners as you move on from the relationship. This is something you also need to be grown up about.

But if your relationship with your daughter is paramount, you should do your best to remove the potential barriers to spending time with her, one of which is distance. A good relationship needs time most of all.

[Deleted User]

Thanks, tbh a new partner is the last thing on my mind, I will find ways to meet new people if I stay in the area I am now and my friends are only an hour or some less away if I want a night out.

I think staying close is the best option for me at the moment, would hate to not be able to pick her up from school on a night it would kill me.

Jagraf

my ex and I split when DD was 3. He worked abroad and lived about a two hour drive away (before he decided to move to the other side of the world - so different scenario). The one thing we used to argue most about was that he thought she should forego Her activities growing up to go to him as he didn't want to be driving backwards and forwards - this caused us the biggest arguments. In my experience, live as close to her as you can so that you can be part of her world - there when you can when she's poorly/has swimming lessons/goes to parties etc. it means she doesn't have to choose you or a sleepover with her mates.

You can drive for nights out with your friends - do it that way round.

Voyager2002

It does not have to be an "all or nothing" decision: you could buy in one location and rent a pad in the other, for instance.

And I agree with other posters that you need a place to live very close to your daughter's home, so that time spent with you can be a natural part of her life rather than separated off from everything else that she does.

[Deleted User]

There's no way I can afford to buy somewhere and also rent as well.

Lunar_Eclipse

Given her age, option 1 sounds best. It's up to you whether you rent or buy though.

You can then travel to see your family and friends and consider the other options as she gets older, depending on how life pans out.

Jagraf

Why don't you just rent for now which gives you flexibility as times change? Rent somewhere that she can stay comfortably or even have a friend over (get her a new quilt cover, twinkly lights, teddy etc).

Rent close to your daughter (look at investing in something else if you are concerned about not having a property).

TBagpuss

I agree wit hthe suggestion to rent locally to start with, and that way, you can get a feel for how arrangments may work and what you feel will workbest once you and your ex, and daughter,adjust to the 'new normal'

Mojisola

conradmum wrote: »

One point to consider for the above scenario, however, is that both you and your partner will come into contact with new partners as you move on from the relationship. This is something you also need to be grown up about.

Deleted_User wrote: »

Thanks, tbh a new partner is the last thing on my mind

But your ex might move on sooner than you. You have to be prepared to see the ex and her new man with your daughter round about town if you're living locally.

VfM4meplse

If you are on good terms with your ex, it is possible to separate and live under the same roof. You won't be around that often, it solves the disruption to DD's life and you will be helpful when you're around. It also buys you some time to think.

Is there a desperate rush to do anything other than move bedrooms atm?