Coping with a narcissistic partner

poorlittlefish

I've been with my partner for six months (we are 41 and 43) and during that time he has...

...bragged repeatedly about how good he is at his job, how colleagues think he's amazing, he'll step on anyone to get business
...just told me what we're doing and when, without asking me whether I want to (although to be honest he's got better since I said I'd like to be consulted)
...refused to ever admit he's wrong or is in any way responsible for upsetting me
...refused to accept any criticism, no matter how it's delivered and is incredibly defensive, turning whatever I'm upset about back onto me
...shown lots of good emotion towards me (very affectionate and playful) but been cold and emotionless, even if he's made me cry
...called and texted me often when he's at work or by himself, but sometimes, on the weekends he has his children, I hear nothing from him for hours on end (it's not just being with the kids per se because he normally still contacts me but every few weeks he'll "not give me a second thought" - and he "gets rid of the kids" when they start getting on his nerves)
...made plans for us to spend New Year's Eve together, then decided to be with family, knowing I'd be spending it alone when I'd given up my family to spend Christmas Day with him

I feel like some kind of toy that's picked up and played with, then shoved in a box when he's had enough. It's only just recently that I've looked up the definition of a narcissist and found he has some (not all) of the traits. When I confronted him he spoke to his mother and best friend and was shocked to discover they think much the same as me.

We had a really good talk about things, in which he apologised a lot and admitted he's treated me badly, but he's already let me down by saying he'll text/call then not done so.

When we get on well we get on very well and for most of the time we're happy, but I'm finding it hard to cope with the Jekyll and Hyde stuff. When he's in the right mood I can talk to him about anything good or bad and he is understanding and caring, but how can we "fight nicely" so I'm not left feeling destroyed? He says he wants to learn to be "less of a selfish pr*ck" and I'd like us to help each other, but how?

Mojisola

poorlittlefish wrote: »

I feel like some kind of toy that's picked up and played with, then shoved in a box when he's had enough. It's only just recently that I've looked up the definition of a narcissist and found he has some (not all) of the traits. When I confronted him he spoke to his mother and best friend and was shocked to discover they think much the same as me.

He says he wants to learn to be "less of a selfish pr*ck"

It's very unlikely that he will be able to change because he just won't see that the things he is doing aren't good.

MortgageVirgin

If there are this many problems after only six months, is it worth it?

torbrex

He must be really good at something if you are still with him.

tomtontom

Mojisola wrote: »

Why are you spending time with someone who is so insensitive towards you and your feelings?

When you posted similar in August, this was the first (and best) response.

Pollycat

poorlittlefish wrote: »

We had a really good talk about things, in which he apologised a lot and admitted he's treated me badly, but he's already let me down by saying he'll text/call then not done so.

When we get on well we get on very well and for most of the time we're happy, but I'm finding it hard to cope with the Jekyll and Hyde stuff. When he's in the right mood I can talk to him about anything good or bad and he is understanding and caring, but how can we "fight nicely" so I'm not left feeling destroyed? He says he wants to learn to be "less of a selfish pr*ck" and I'd like us to help each other, but how?

But it appears he's not doing much about trying to 'learn to be less of a selfish pr*ck', is he?

Like Mojisola, I doubt he'll change.
So you have to decide to either put up with it or leave him to be selfish with someone else.

scooby088

OP you say you have been with this bloke for 6 months, why are you with him and why should he have to change and 6 months isn't a long time in the whole scheme of things.

Only piece of advice i would give is don't try to change anyone as they will end up resenting you and if they still behave like they do even when they you tell them, then they don't see you as worth changing for.

LilElvis

It's only been 6 months and this is the third thread you have started about this relationship. This is supposed to be the "honeymoon period" when everything is fluffy, light hearted and fun - certainly not the angst-ridden, joyless incompatibility you have been writing about. He is a fully grown man, so is unlikely to change and you certainly shouldn't change to "fit" him better.

fuzzyduck22

All that within six months? Makes me glad to be single!

I doubt he will ever change . He probably doesn't even realise he's being like that when his 'Mr Hyde' takes over so not sure he would be able to stop it.

I understand when people say it's good when it's good etc. People put up with a LOT of bad when there is some good. Do you want this long term though?

Brighton_belle

Right, you are already identifying him as Narcissistic so you are not some unaware teenager. Why are you choosing to stay with someone who damages you?
Being lovely 50% of the time is not being lovely at all.


I would also suggest he is your boyfriend, not partner.

scooby088

I also think from what have described here that he gets bored very quickly after all he probably still see himself as single and is more than likely keeping his options open as they say.

Not helpful for you when you are stuck there on your home hoping for some attention, I am sure if you had said lets have some fun(in the bedroom department) he would've dropped his family like a rock and been right over.

Up to you OP but I would cut my losses now and try to find someone you are more compatible with rather than putting up with his behaviour.