Seperating - Is This A Reasonable Proposal?

SeduLOUs

If a new partner does move in, it's going to be early days of a new relationship and it's highly unlikely either of them are going to want to buy into a mortgage together without any trial period of living together first. That's assuming the new partner will be able to obtain a mortgage to buy you out.

swingaloo

Please get proper advice and mediation. Its not as straight forward as you may think.

What jumps out at me is that you say that wife will just about be able to afford to stay in the house. Thats all well and good until there is a crisis, the car needs replacing, she want to go on holiday, the kids are all outgrowing the clothes or want school trips etc. If you are not careful you will struggle with your own future plans even though you may not have many at the moment.

I now someone with a very similar scenario and its been a nightmare for both of them. She is trying to retain her lifestyle and has increased her hours of work as the kids have got older but never curbed her expensive tastes and is now within 5 years of the youngest being 18 and the house having to be sold and has not saved a penny despite her husband paying good maintenance and the full mortgage on the house and because he has been
paying interest only there is very little equity in the house when it comes to be sold. He has married again and had more children and cannot get another mortgage because he is still on the first one. So now he is paying a mortgage, maintenance, rent and new household bills.

They split when the 2 children were young, they went for mediation and the result they agreed on was that she stay in the house while he paid the mortgage. He was a very big earner and she was like your wife, part time. Her future is now going to be looking for somewhere to rent in a few years. She will say (and I expect your wife may do the same) that she has had to struggle, has had to pay for babysitters, adapt her work hours to fit in with being a single mum and has been constantly short of money because of her husband leaving. Her attitude is 'Why shouldnt I have nice things and have my hair done every week' etc.
She has already said that when the time comes to sell the house she will be as awkward as possible about viewings etc to prolong the time she can stay. She says she does not see why the children should lose the only home they have ever known, despite agreeing to the original offer.
He has tried to do his best by his children and all there is now is bitterness on both sides.

Looking back, she thought she was getting a good deal, which she was but hasnt made any plans for when the golden goose stops. He wanted out of the marriage and thought he could easily afford what they agreed without giving long term thought to having another family.

It would mean upheaval to sell and downsize or rent now but in the long term you ae going to have to rent and you need to afford to be able to live as well as supporting your children.

Dont forget, its your children you need to support, not your wifes lifestyle.

mgdavid

swingaloo wrote: »

..........

Dont forget, its your children you need to support, not your wifes lifestyle.

Cannot emphasise this too much!!

Due to recent legal changes you must go to mediation first. But expect not to agree anything, given what you say about your wife.

You will then need a solicitor - most are next to useless, so start asking around now. You need one with lots of experience in Family Law but who is also going to be a rotweiler on your behalf. There are many of the former but very few of the latter.
If it ends up in court, retain a barrister for a day or two, expensive but not as expensive as trying to manage without one.

Tuck yourself away for the evening and read this:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4556575

LannieDuck

Msg JackRS - he might be in a good position to advise. And if you're feeling brave you could have a read of his thread to see what happens when one party doesn't play ball during mediation.

justme111

So you expect someone on 18 grand to pull the weight 50:50 with someone who earns 50 grand, just barely get by and voluntarily agree to it ? She may be very non reasonable but you do not sound realistic either methinks

lika_86

So she would just about manage to live in the house? How would she manage when, not if, interest rates increase?

It sounds to me like you'd be better selling the house. Why not get some initial legal advice so you are aware of what you would be expected to have to pay as a minimum? That way you can gauge your position better.

jon_E_begood

justme111 wrote: »

So you expect someone on 18 grand to pull the weight 50:50 with someone who earns 50 grand, just barely get by and voluntarily agree to it ? She may be very non reasonable but you do not sound realistic either methinks

Well that's based on me doing the best I can to support her requirement to stay in the house with the kids - it might not be realistic but that's probably because it's based on this unrealistic starting point. Common sense and the majority of people on here seem to point towards selling the house but what can I do if she refuses - move out and stop paying my half of the mortgage until it gets repossessed and everyone loses out? I'm not prepared to disrupt my kids lives by doing that with all the upheaval it would cause so it looks like a rock and a hard place to me unless there is some way I could force her to sell....

jon_E_begood

swingaloo wrote: »

Please get proper advice and mediation. Its not as straight forward as you may think.

What jumps out at me is that you say that wife will just about be able to afford to stay in the house. Thats all well and good until there is a crisis, the car needs replacing, she want to go on holiday, the kids are all outgrowing the clothes or want school trips etc. If you are not careful you will struggle with your own future plans even though you may not have many at the moment.

I now someone with a very similar scenario and its been a nightmare for both of them. She is trying to retain her lifestyle and has increased her hours of work as the kids have got older but never curbed her expensive tastes and is now within 5 years of the youngest being 18 and the house having to be sold and has not saved a penny despite her husband paying good maintenance and the full mortgage on the house and because he has been
paying interest only there is very little equity in the house when it comes to be sold. He has married again and had more children and cannot get another mortgage because he is still on the first one. So now he is paying a mortgage, maintenance, rent and new household bills.

They split when the 2 children were young, they went for mediation and the result they agreed on was that she stay in the house while he paid the mortgage. He was a very big earner and she was like your wife, part time. Her future is now going to be looking for somewhere to rent in a few years. She will say (and I expect your wife may do the same) that she has had to struggle, has had to pay for babysitters, adapt her work hours to fit in with being a single mum and has been constantly short of money because of her husband leaving. Her attitude is 'Why shouldnt I have nice things and have my hair done every week' etc.
She has already said that when the time comes to sell the house she will be as awkward as possible about viewings etc to prolong the time she can stay. She says she does not see why the children should lose the only home they have ever known, despite agreeing to the original offer.
He has tried to do his best by his children and all there is now is bitterness on both sides.

Looking back, she thought she was getting a good deal, which she was but hasnt made any plans for when the golden goose stops. He wanted out of the marriage and thought he could easily afford what they agreed without giving long term thought to having another family.

It would mean upheaval to sell and downsize or rent now but in the long term you ae going to have to rent and you need to afford to be able to live as well as supporting your children.

Dont forget, its your children you need to support, not your wifes lifestyle.

Thanks, I can see the parallels with your friends story and frankly it scares me to death. I'd like to try and do this looking to the future positively but stories like that make it difficult to do. I have done some figures and realise I would need to change my lifestyle and reduce my aspirations based on my proposal above, I'm willing to do that for the benefit of my kids, as long as I have a comfortable roof over my head and enough to feed and cloth myself and them I can cope as I am not that materialistic. The alternative, which most people seem to favour is somehow forcing a clean break via selling the house, Like you say I need proper advice though as not sure how that would work...

justme111

Kids don't care that much in what house they live. So you crunched some numbers for her - what disposable income she is going to have in your scenario? You said :"just enough to get by" - how much ? You do not have to say the number if you do not want to.Have you done the same for you ? How much disposable income you going to have ? Is it the same number ?On a different side - by what you saying about constant arguing she is unlikely to be receptive to any proposition from you so I would not even try , you two do not manage communication on far easier subjects so no chance in hell you could agree on so difficult one.
I understand you do not want to lose money to solicitors. If other choices are even less appealing you may chose to pay them. The choices are what they are, no point in wallowing how unfair they are. It is like being outraged at how unfair gravity is or needing air to live.

[Deleted User]

Sell and do a clean break