(vent) that time of year again

tomdickharry

where should your loyalties lay?

I'll to try and keep it brief as possible.

my wife has all of her family living within 10 miles or less, and all have transport, brother/sister/kids/grand kids and sees them very regular, quite a large family.

only blood family I have is a young son who I have quite often but they dislike each other, he does have an attitude problem but he is only 10, and a grown up son who I've not seen in 6 months,
I arranged to pick him up over the holidays for a few days, restricted train services and he works too so I said I'd pick him up as he can't drive.

Then my wife goes and gets the hump because I'll spend 3 to 4 hours in my car picking him up on her only day off over Xmas,
she won't travel with me as I'll have my young son too,
and she'll only be working 2 or 3 hours a day on her work days anyway!

we'll see all her family over the festive period at some point yet I'm in the wrong for wanting to see my son when we're both off work for a few days for the first time in ages, but its ok to go the next morning!
I love my wife, probably don't show it as I should but this as really got my goat.
So tempted just to drive down and spend a good day out with both my sons then when it comes to "her" family visits just go to pub with the lads.

what was looking a good Xmas is now wishing I offered to work it!

JReacher1

Sounds like your wife is terribly unreasonable. You should pick up your son.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

On her only day off over Christmas?

Maybe she wanted just one day/morning with just you because, well, she loves you? That's what the following day being fine with her sounds like to me, anyway.

FBaby

I expect your wife is annoyed because she thought ahead when you didn't. She had already planned her day off, looking forward to spending time with you after spending time with her family. There was no discussion about the older son at this stage.

Then suddenly you impose on her that you'll be away for a long chunk of the day and that afterwards, your time will mostly be devoted to your son. I expect her annoyance is not about the loss of the few hours, not even your son, but the fact that she was looking forward to an opportunity for some time and attention from you and now this is taken away from her.

Same old, you need to talk to each other. If you make decision that involves taking some of your time, discuss it with her first. Of course ultimately it is your right to see your son and spend time with him as you see fit, but don't drop the news on her as a 'fait accompli' that she has no choice but to accept.

Make sure to make it up to her in time so that you are free to enjoy your time with your son rather than let the situation affect you and make you feel guilty for it as otherwise, you will inevitably end up feeling resentful.

Kynthia

If it was me I expect that I would have had thoughts in my head about what we could do together on our only whole day off together. Then you've unknowingly dashed these by making definite plans without discussing it with her and with no thought to that it was your only day together and clearly you don't care about being with her when you could have picked your son up any other day.

I'm not saying she's right or you're right, just showing how you both are possibly viewing this differently. You see this as her having a problem with your family when you both spend so much time seeing hers and that makes her selfish. I think she's seeing this as nothing to do with family and what you are actually doing that day, hence why the next day wouldn't have been a problem for her. She's upset that there are loads of days you could go off and do whatever it is you need to do, but you've chosen the only day you were both off for the whole day and not only did you not discuss it with her it shows that you didn't even consider wanting to do something nice with her.

Try and talk to each other before there's more bad feeling.

Darksparkle

Kynthia wrote: »

If it was me I expect that I would have had thoughts in my head about what we could do together on our only whole day off together. Then you've unknowingly dashed these by making definite plans without discussing it with her and with no thought to that it was your only day together and clearly you don't care about being with her when you could have picked your son up any other day.

I'm not saying she's right or you're right, just showing how you both are possibly viewing this differently. You see this as her having a problem with your family when you both spend so much time seeing hers and that makes her selfish. I think she's seeing this as nothing to do with family and what you are actually doing that day, hence why the next day wouldn't have been a problem for her. She's upset that there are loads of days you could go off and do whatever it is you need to do, but you've chosen the only day you were both off for the whole day and not only did you not discuss it with her it shows that you didn't even consider wanting to do something nice with her.

Try and talk to each other before there's more bad feeling.

This I agree with.

Of course you want to see your son and should pick him up (good on you for that!) but it sounds like you have made this decision without discussing it with her. It isn't unreasonable for her to have wanted to spend her only day off with you even if she only works a few hours the other days.

I don't see it as unreasonable that the festive period is spent with her family if you do not have any other family other than your sons. What else would you do? It's a time for spending with family. Your sons should be included in the activities you do with her family.

onlyroz

Could you compromise and arrange a taxi for your son?

barbiedoll

Why can't she go with you to pick your boys up? Before I had our son, I used to spend most of my weekends in the car with my husband running around after his kids, either going to see them, or taking them to football practice/matches, or picking them up and taking them home. It can be a pain at times (don't miss the freezing cold Sunday mornings on some frosty, god-forsaken football pitch!) but it's what you do when you marry into an extended family.

Why does she "dislike" your 10 year old? He may well have a bit of an attitude but so do a lot of 10 year olds, possibly even more so if they come from a broken home. Is this why she's not happy about you running around after the kids?

Sounds like there may be deeper issues than simply missing time alone with you at Christmas?

Mr_Toad

Kynthia wrote: »

If it was me I expect that I would have had thoughts in my head about what we could do together on our only whole day off together. Then you've unknowingly dashed these by making definite plans without discussing it with her and with no thought to that it was your only day together and clearly you don't care about being with her when you could have picked your son up any other day.

I'm not saying she's right or you're right, just showing how you both are possibly viewing this differently. You see this as her having a problem with your family when you both spend so much time seeing hers and that makes her selfish. I think she's seeing this as nothing to do with family and what you are actually doing that day, hence why the next day wouldn't have been a problem for her. She's upset that there are loads of days you could go off and do whatever it is you need to do, but you've chosen the only day you were both off for the whole day and not only did you not discuss it with her it shows that you didn't even consider wanting to do something nice with her.

Try and talk to each other before there's more bad feeling.

Hardly.

The OP clearly states He's not seen his son for months and that this is the only time both are off work together for a few days.

enthusiasticsaver

Is it actually Christmas Day that you are planning to drive down and pick up your sons? If so I can maybe see your wife's point. If it is some other day and it just so happens that is a day she is off work I think she is maybe being a bit unreasonable if this is the only time you can spend with your sons especially if she only works a couple of hours anyway. What is more concerning is she dislikes your 10 year old son, surely she should be making allowances for his age. I presume you are both on second marriages and don't have children together? How old are you both?

pigpen

She 'dislikes' a 10 year old child???? They aren't the easiest of creatures I know but maybe she should make more effort to be his friend.. maybe if she was less precious over you it would be less of a strained relationship..

In your wifes shoes I would be disgusted if you did not go pick up your older son.. he is your family, therefore her family .. would she expect you never to see a child you had with her??

It must be very hard for you.. it is obviously just how circumstances have worked out and she will just have to lump it!

My large family live closeby and my OH's family are 100 miles away and we go as often as we can.. I don't have to like them, they don't have to like me.. but we can all be civil and unless they did something totally heinous I wouldn't keep my OH from his family.

She is either being utterly insecure, totally spiteful or just plain controlling.. trying to make you choose her over your son!

You really need to talk this one out and sort out her issues with your younger son.