Bringing another child into this- 37 and desperate

heuchera

Trek_girl wrote: »

3. I hate being judged by the whisperers for having two failed relationships.

I'm only quoting this because point 3 is consistent to both threads. You make a lot of mention of other people judging you, you seem to be sensitive to others' opinions of you.

You're educated, you have a masters degree and a child who is old enough to understand that relationships can and do break down.

The rest of the story is somewhat muddled, but I hope you can work through your confidence/emotional issues.

Peter333

Trek_girl wrote: »

I wanted to get divorced but
1. My child loves him like a father and would be heartbroken to have the family split up.
2. I work but would not be able to afford to live alone. I would not be able to afford Judo lessons, music etc. So I would have peace of mind but my child would suffer materially.
3. I hate being judged by the whisperers for having two failed relationships.
4. I am desperate to have a child. I never wanted to have an only child and want them to have a sibling in life, even if they are not close in age.
5. Due to his accident he will now need lifetime support. He still works and has a social life but will always have mobility problems.

Re point 3; why would people 'judge you' for having 2 failed relationships? :huh: Most people have had at least 2 failed relationships!

Trek_girl

Peter333 wrote: »

Re point 3; why would people 'judge you' for having 2 failed relationships? :huh: Most people have had at least 2 failed relationships!

I suppose I have spent too much time with church types. I am no longer religious but when I did spend time with church people they seemed to have as their main entertainment discussing the problems people had in their lives. I never really got involved as I was always live and let live, but together with gossipy extended family I have observed people being ripped to shreds verbally and being ripped to shreds in turn for telling them to mind their own business.

dirty_magic

Surely it's better to be alone than unhappy? I really don't think it's a good idea to have a baby with this man, even if you do want one. It's not always about what you want. Does he even want to have a baby with you if there's no love there?

You say you want your daughter to have a sibling; what does she want? I was desperate for a sibling when I was little, but by the time I'd got older it stopped bothering me because the age gap would have been too big for us to be close.

Don't sell yourself short if you don't love this man, you could both be happier on your own.

Love2bone

I know the guy was in an unfortunate accident, but he sounds like a bit of a moron.

Being in a routine is no reason not to make a change for the better. I was in a routine job, when i made a bold choice to leave and go self employed, i felt as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, i think the same can be said for leaving a relationship.

You can't just live for your child, if you do your life will be wasted and boring.

duchy

Trek_girl wrote: »

I appreciate what you are saying but I cant stand the thought of being alone forever or never having a much longed for second child.

The child you have will get older and more independent

If you stay - He'll grow up thinking marriage isn't meant to be based on love and one day he will leave and it'll be you and your husband miserable together for the rest of your lives.

If you leave - Your son will still get older and as he does you'll have more chances to go hunting for another man (or you may have realized by then that a woman is not defined by whether she has a man or not by the majority of decent people anymore than she is defined by her weight) or you might find a career you enjoy, join the circus or just make real friends who are more broadminded and open to life's possibilities.)

Life has no certainties but the second option appears to offer more chance of happiness than the first.

If you have another child you will be limiting not only your own freedom and choices but that of your child . To have one child in an unhappy marriage is unfortunate - to deliberately have another one in a loveless union is just plain child cruelty.

System

Just to add, having a sibling does not by any means mean they will be close. I am 10, 9 and 6 years older than my siblings and they are all much closer to each other than me My bf is a few years younger than his brother and they don't even speak these days.

If you're unhappy, and living like flatmates i'll bet anything your child has already picked up on this, believe me they see more than you know. To this day i still have 2 parents who pretty much hate each other but by god if they;d stayed together it would have miserable for everyone involved. I was 2 when they divorced, and tbh my mum is so much happier now, and it makes me happy to see my mum happy. Bio dad is probably happy too now he's on marriage number 3.

I know you want another child, but honestly do you really want to bring a child into this unhappy situation? I think you'd be better off focusing on making sure your child is happy, and importantly that YOU are happy. Trust me being alone is not always worse than being unhappy. I feared being alone for a long time and stayed in an unhappy relationship, but you know what? Looking back i could kick myself as i wasted YEARS of my life with someone not worth my time. Do you want to look back in a few years and think "what have i done?"

steph2901

I agree with others who said they'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship.

I was very happy on my own after splitting from my ex, and am now happily married to a lovely man.