Bringing another child into this- 37 and desperate

Trek_girl

I am unhappily married to a man who has been unfaithful and has 'issues'. Over the years seeing how his parents and siblings behave it is clear he has a dysfunctional upbringing and never resolved the issues. I have a child from a previous relationship going into high school. He is the only dad the child knows as the birth father walked out on us.

I knew my husband for many years before we married, but only after we got married did he show his true colours. Now we are more like polite flat mates. We go on outings and have picnics as a little family of three. There are no blow out arguments but there is no love and trust. Five years after we got married he was in an accident. I trusted him with making financial arrangements and that was 'his area' - stupid I know. I had to go through paperwork while he was in hospital I found out a lot of lies. Our savings were gone for one thing.

For example he made more than he said and spent the extra money on women. Once when I went abroad for a family emergency he took the opportunity to go on holiday to Thailand doing god knows what. He called me every day so I had no reason to suspect he was not calling from home.

Just before our wedding it turns out he was buying jewellery for another woman. When this all came out I asked him why he even bothered to get married. I had thought we were happy, best friends even. He just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know.

I wanted to get divorced but
1. My child loves him like a father and would be heartbroken to have the family split up.
2. I work but would not be able to afford to live alone. I would not be able to afford Judo lessons, music etc. So I would have peace of mind but my child would suffer materially.
3. I hate being judged by the whisperers for having two failed relationships.
4. I am desperate to have a child. I never wanted to have an only child and want them to have a sibling in life, even if they are not close in age.
5. Due to his accident he will now need lifetime support. He still works and has a social life but will always have mobility problems.

I do not have the opportunity to meet new people, let alone fall in love and find a healthy relationship. My days revolve around work and my child- helping with homework etc. I feel so trapped and this is not the life I had hoped for.

I feel like I have the following options
1. Stay and be unhappy
2. Leave and suffer financially and have my child unhappy. I would not even have time to date.
3. Stay and be unhappy and have a much longed for child.

I have no illusions that a child would bring us closer or make me happy but I have longed for this. We were actually ttc when he had the accident and all this came to light. I am just trying to explore my thoughts and get my head right and appreciate advice.

FBaby

No one can make the decision for you and I'm sure you already know which decision is the morally correct one. Unfortunately, like you, we can't looked into the future and tell you which one to take based on it.

The reality is you need to pick one and accept the consequences, whichever they are.

krlyr

Just bear in mind the implications of having a child, or children, in an unhappy marriage. Staying with him doesn't mean your kids will be happier for it. They pick up on more than you think, especially as they get older. He'll wonder why Mummy and Daddy don't act like Joe's parents who kiss and hug all the time. Or worse, he'll grow up to think it's normal to stay in a marriage with no love, think infidelity is the norm, and so on.

My mum stayed 'for the kids', until it got too much. And believe me, we all managed to go on and live happy, healthy lives with a single mum!

Peter333

If you're 37, how come you were 33 four months ago in August, when you were griping about everyone telling you how HUGELY young you look?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5314001

Trek_girl wrote: »

I had my daughter when I was 22 years old. I had completed my degree. The thing is I look younger than my age. I am petite and very slim and have a small face which is young looking (big eyes, cheeks).

I am now 33 but still have been asked to prove I was 16 when buying a knife at the grocery store.

My problem is people feel the need to share their opinions.( I am married and wear a ring btw)
'You are too young to be a mother, go back to school!'
(I have already completed my postgrad degree)
'You don't look young enough to have a daughter that age!'

As for your 'dilemma,' why have a baby with a man you clearly do not love and who clearly does not love you?

Going after other women and spending on them, living like flatmates etc, yet you are considering having a baby with him?!

And he needs lifetime support after an accident, but works and has a social life, and goes off with other women.

I am struggling to make sense of a lot of what you're saying to be honest.

Georgiegirl256

You've aged 4 years in 4 months?! :eek: Wow :cool:

Eta: I see I'm not he only one to have noticed this!

pickledonionspaceraider

Trek_girl wrote: »

I am unhappily married to a man who has been unfaithful and has 'issues'. Over the years seeing how his parents and siblings behave it is clear he has a dysfunctional upbringing and never resolved the issues. I have a child from a previous relationship going into high school. He is the only dad the child knows as the birth father walked out on us.

I knew my husband for many years before we married, but only after we got married did he show his true colours. Now we are more like polite flat mates. We go on outings and have picnics as a little family of three. There are no blow out arguments but there is no love and trust. Five years after we got married he was in an accident. I trusted him with making financial arrangements and that was 'his area' - stupid I know. I had to go through paperwork while he was in hospital I found out a lot of lies. Our savings were gone for one thing.

For example he made more than he said and spent the extra money on women. Once when I went abroad for a family emergency he took the opportunity to go on holiday to Thailand doing god knows what. He called me every day so I had no reason to suspect he was not calling from home.

Just before our wedding it turns out he was buying jewellery for another woman. When this all came out I asked him why he even bothered to get married. I had thought we were happy, best friends even. He just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know.

I wanted to get divorced but
1. My child loves him like a father and would be heartbroken to have the family split up.
2. I work but would not be able to afford to live alone. I would not be able to afford Judo lessons, music etc. So I would have peace of mind but my child would suffer materially.
3. I hate being judged by the whisperers for having two failed relationships.
4. I am desperate to have a child. I never wanted to have an only child and want them to have a sibling in life, even if they are not close in age.
5. Due to his accident he will now need lifetime support. He still works and has a social life but will always have mobility problems.

I do not have the opportunity to meet new people, let alone fall in love and find a healthy relationship. My days revolve around work and my child- helping with homework etc. I feel so trapped and this is not the life I had hoped for.

I feel like I have the following options
1. Stay and be unhappy
2. Leave and suffer financially and have my child unhappy. I would not even have time to date.
3. Stay and be unhappy and have a much longed for child.

I have no illusions that a child would bring us closer or make me happy but I have longed for this. We were actually ttc when he had the accident and all this came to light. I am just trying to explore my thoughts and get my head right and appreciate advice.

Hi there OP

You sound in an awful lot of pain hun. I in no way judge you, but will offer my thoughts in a 'if it was me' kind of way.

Two failed relationships? A lot of us have. Even if you had two thousand failed relationships - it is not really a benchmark to someones personality in any way other than to be narrow minded - Honestly I do not think most people think like that hun . I have never picked a friend based on how many partners they have or haven't had - have you? no course you haven't - so don't be so hard on yourself

You say your OH has had a dysfunctional upbringing - so you see how this effects him today? This could well be your child/ren in 20 years having someone say this about them. Staying in this relationship is dysfunctional, and most certainly bringing in another baby into this already dysfunctional family unit does not seem right to be. Kids so easily end up with a warped idea of what love is, and what a family unit should be - and as young adults, we only have our parents relationshop as a benchmark of normality. Your child may 'love him like a father' but if you two stay together, the kid is going to have a warped definition of normal

If you stay with him, you are putting money above happiness and selling you all short. Single parents get help with benefits and you could always pick up extra shifts, work from home, etc - single parents do get by. Not easy, but compare it to a soul destroying loveless marriage and single parenthood is a walk in the park

He has basically made you fall in love with a man that does not exist, he is NOT the man you married - he is a fraudster who cheats and lies.

You go on to mention that you don't get opportunity to meet or fall in love with anyone else - woahhh, you have bigger problems than where your next man is coming from (sorry to sound blunt there) but you need to gather yourself, and move on before bringing another bloke into it, or even thinking about one - as you have a lot of healing to do and that can only happen as a single, to avoid dragging one lot of relationship baggage into a new relationship

ttoli

I feel like I have the following options
2. Leave and suffer financially and have my child unhappy. I would not even have time to date.

Why would you presume that your child would be unhappy ?? In My family there was never much money about but plenty of love.

Trek_girl

ttoli wrote: »

I feel like I have the following options
2. Leave and suffer financially and have my child unhappy. I would not even have time to date.

Why would you presume that your child would be unhappy ?? In My family there was never much money about but plenty of love.

I suppose a part of me feels it is better to be unhappy than to be alone. I have heard friends and relatives gossiping about people and I don't want to be that object of pity. I always dreamed of a big happy family full of kids and maybe I am trying to hold onto that rather than the reality of being a skint single parent of an only child again, alone.

heuchera

Peter333 wrote: »

If you're 37, how come you were 33 four months ago in August, when you were griping about everyone telling you how HUGELY young you look?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5314001

:rotfl::rotfl:

Maybe people should keep track of the lies they're telling. Or they'll look as stupid as they think the rest of us are..


LOL at that thread. Think the comment about the overweight women might have alienated her readers a bit!

Trek_girl

ttoli wrote: »

I feel like I have the following options
2. Leave and suffer financially and have my child unhappy. I would not even have time to date.

Why would you presume that your child would be unhappy ?? In My family there was never much money about but plenty of love.

I don't mean not having money means being unhappy. I mean
1. I would possibly move up north to be where my family is for more support meaning new school and moving away from friends.
2. Even if we did not move town, the household would be broken up and 'Alex' would not be seeing stepdad every day, if at all and would have the normal upheaval of a divorce, which involves unhappiness.
3. Also, I would no longer be able to afford the clubs Alex enjoys and extra lessons would have to be given up.

Peter333

heuchera wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl:

Maybe people should keep track of the lies they're telling. Or they'll look as stupid as they think the rest of us are..


LOL at that thread. Think the comment about the overweight women might have alienated her readers a bit!

Yep agree. And I would still like to know if she is 33 or 37.

So Trek Girl, how old are you? And why have you given 2 different ages?