Flo's Debt Free Diary

Karonher

Well done on the weight loss. Surveys can be worthwhile if you find sites that cover topics you are interested in.

Florence_J

Karonher wrote: »

Well done on the weight loss. Surveys can be worthwhile if you find sites that cover topics you are interested in.

Thank you for your post

Florence_J

Today hasn't ended well.

It started off great. Got up at a not too disgusting time, let in the builders to fix the hole in the back wall and to do other repair jobs. Did a lot of things on my to do list, did the food shopping, took a bag to the charity shop, cooked a nice dinner etc etc.

The trouble is my OH and I were supposed to go to our running group today, and I got into a panic as we were running late and going to the group makes me nervous and when I get nervous.....i need to pee (Sorry for the info!) so I like to get there early so I can relieve myself if i need to.

(Also there is a long running problem in my house where I tell my OH we need to leave at x time and we have never once left at x time because my OH is always running late. Usually what we do is i leave when i want to and he catches me up)

So we were running late, then I realised I had left my stop watch behind. We weren't far from the house but I was so anxious about the time I didn't want to turn back, so my OH kindly offered to run back and get it and catch me up.

This is when my anxiety increased. When I was alone. Because I get incredibly anxious when I am in my exercise clothes as I am overweight and the exercise clothes-although flattering-don't do a lot to disguise the fact I am overweight. And i think we have all cast a judgemental eye when we see someone overweight in a tracksuit or comfy exercise clothes, the whole 'How Ironic, i bet they don't do any exercise...'

Also a deeper issue is i rarely leave the house without headphones as i am convinced people will insult me or shout abuse at me or just intimidate me or do something to me. So i wear headphones so I can block them out, even if they say something and I still hear them I can pretend I haven't heard them and therefore they wasted their breath on me.

So i felt exposed on my own, without headphones, without my OH to protect me. I felt like I was about to snap. I felt so anxious that I just stopped, waited for my OH to meet me and told him I had to go home.

And now I am sad as I desperately need counselling/CBT to help me be less anxious and to live like a normal human being instead of hiding behind headphones and sunglasses so i don't have to interact with anyone, but I have no job and I can't afford it. And I don't know when this will change. It has been nearly three months. I am running out of balance on my credit card and yes I have done stupid things like buy a barbie alarm clock but I have also been using it to buy food to live on.

Also, I am now convinced I shouldn't go to my friends wedding. As I am too poor and I am too anxious. I really suffer in social situations. I have almost completely cut myself off from my friends. All I can see me doing at the wedding is talking minimally to people and leaving really early.

I said to my boyfriend that it feels like the good thoughts are coming into my brain on bicycles but the bad thoughts are a motorcycle gang! Thick and Fast.

The irony about the wedding is i am upset as a good friend of mine got married and I wasn't invited to that wedding which really upset me, so i will regret not going to the wedding more than I will have a bad time (if possible) at the wedding.

I have nearly deleted my facebook account several times this summer (which is my go to thing to do when I am upset) and the only reason I haven't is i need to keep in contact with the people I work on a magazine with. But today i was glad I didn't go through on that stupid idea as I was reading a post from a friend who has PCOS.

Long time readers of this diary may remember I am sort of diagnosed with PCOS. Basically my doctor says I came to them about the problems i was having with it too early, as I haven't quite got it. Yet. But i will get it. The only things that will help is losing the excess weight I am carrying.

But my friend was talking about it and she said she had a sudden spike in anxiety and depression and was recommended to look into the PCOS by a professional and it turns out she is resistent to the affects of insulin as a result of her PCOS and this has affected her mood. So she needs to be on a low GI diet.

I know there is a minority of people who believe depression/mental illness/anxiety is put on or that they should 'snap out of it' (no one on here seems to think that luckily ) but I am desperate to have good mental health. I am desperate to be 'Normal'. I just want to be the same person from morning to night. I want to not freak out when I'm around people I don't know. I want to be confident around people in the street.

My number one goal, more than anything, more than being a writer or debt free, is to be happy.

I will try anything, explore any route, take any pill to be happy.

So I'm off to look at this website my friend posted about on facebook-Flo Living. I like the name for obvious reasons. I want to see if my PCOS is being a b!tch at the moment or if it is my general upsetness over being for all intents and purposes unemployed.

Take care and sorry for the negativity guys.

To quote my imperfect hero Scarlett O'Hara "Tomorrow is another day"

Bobarella

Im so sorry to read about your day Florence. I felt anxious just reading how stressed you felt so goodness knows how it was to live it. Is there really no shortcut for CBT?
What is PCOS by the way?

Florence_J

PCOS- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It is a set of symptoms that are produced as a result of hormone imbalances. There are many symptoms, what I suffer most from is acne and irregular/light periods (when they used to be 'normal') It can happen to anyone, but it can be affected/caused by being overweight. My periods became irregular after I put on the weight due to depression and stress.

It can also lead to problems getting pregnant, which although isn't something I want to happen now is something I would like in the future.

Florence_J

Interestingly I had read an article about menstruation in Women's Health Magazine and they say taking a Cinnamon supplement can help women with PCOS, so i bought some today in the Holland and Barrett Penny sale, saving 17.48. Ooooooooh, that's a womble isn't it? I'll see you on the womble board Bob

evkizzy

Instructions to Flo:
Put your right arm around your left shoulder and your left hand around the right side of your waist...Now squeeze! That was a physical hug from me. It’s not a lot but I hope a virtual cuddle helps.
:grouphug:

Karonher

Hope you feel better tomorrow. I don't like commenting on personal areas as I have no training in counselling but I would go to your friend's wedding. You don't want to cut yourself off from people who want to be around you.

You seem to have focused so much on this it would be a shame to miss out now. Could you get in touch with someone you know is going and ask can you and OH sit with them? That way you will know who you will be with and maybe plan some things to talk to them about.

crazy_cat_lady

Hi Flo :wave:
I have those negative thoughts, PCOS, and am also overweight.
Couple of things - can you not get CBT through your doctor? We have a self referral scheme in our area that works well. Failing that, it could be worth contacting Mind. If you're into researching yourself there is some good online CBT (website is get.gg). If you look into negative thinking patterns you'll see that you're exactly the same as everyone else - you just feel it more than some others do.
PCOS leaves me very hairy (oh the glamour - and the smell of hair removal cream) - I was told I would struggle to conceive but conceived both of my children in the first month of trying. Whether this is just lucky or not I don't know.
Being skinny is not an indicator of health. My dd is almost 12 - taller than me, and could still fit into age 7 clothes if she wanted to. However, she has the most appalling diet of golden food, crisps and chocolate. I eat foods that are good for me (as well as the rubbish), and I exercise when I'm well enough to, and actually am in pretty good physical health (stress affects me more than my diet does). My BP is normal and I am mobile.
It is easier said than done, but you need to tell yourself that people aren't looking at you and aren't passing judgement. And even if they are, who said that they were right and that you were wrong? Who decides what is right and wrong in terms of other people. What's right for some isn't right for others. When I feel good, this is as clear as day to me but it's hard to remind myself this when I'm down.
Sorry for waffling on your diary - but hang on in there. You're doing great. And don't give up on the wedding.

Bobarella

Flo - thank you for the info on PCOS. Do you follow Kirstypoos at all? She offen talks about that too.