Not sure if this is the right forum or not..

thorsoak

But I'll post it here, and admin please move if I'm wrong!

I have a couple of very dear friends who are in the late 70s - they've been a couple for I think about 16 or 17 years (as long as I've known them) but they've never married, nor lived together - she has her house, he has his bungalow, but they share holidays, weekends, going out, shopping - choosing furniture for both homes etc etc etc.

He has been married twice and has two children of his own and three step children - all grown up and married with children. She has three children, again grown up and two married with children. I understand that they've never married because "We've already done that", but things are changing slightly now. Mr X has been diagnosed with a cancer that does not have a good recovery rate, and they have been told that he could have another 3 years - and now he wants to marry Mrs Y, so that she can have his pension (he was in the civil service) on his death. Mrs Y is somewhat reluctant to marry, because she doesn't want people to think she is only marrying him for his money, but doesn't want people to think that she won't look after him (she was a nurse at some stage of her life) because she will!

Mr X argues that as his house is split between his step children and his birth children he cannot leave much to Mrs Y, but if she marries him, she will be entitled to a spouse pension, which will increase her income - I know that her present pension is like mine - just above that which would give her any additional state benefits.

I can see both sides of the argument - its lovely to think that he wants to leave her something, but she's worried that it will change their relationship.

I don't know what advice to give ....they've both asked me what do I think - and I really don't know. Opinions?????

paddy's_mum

Get married!

It need not change the relationship in any way - they can carry on living as they are now.

What it will do is give Mr the peace of mind (and heart) that he has done all that he possibly can to provide for the person he loves.

Her gift to him will be to accept it with all the kindness that motivated him to want to protect her against the vagaries of life.

Why should she care what others think? Those that know her best won't believe it and those that do believe her to be a gold-digger don't matter.

The very fact of the diagnosis is proof that he understands how quickly and seriously lives can change.

Bless them both.

fairy_lights

Maybe she's financially independent anyway and not too bothered about getting his pension?
Edit: just re-read your post and saw that she is just above the level of pension that would get her extra state benefits. But she may still feel comfortably well off and not feel like she needs his pension.
There are other things for them to consider though - if they're not married she won't be able to make next of kin type decisions for him when things start to go downhill, does she get on well with his children? Would they respect any wishes she has for his funeral etc?

Guest101

Ultimately I would respect his wishes, it's his pension and his money to do with as he sees fit.


But obviously if she's not willing to marry then...

FBaby

And I would respect her wishes. After all, his suggestion to marry is to benefit her. If she doesn't care for that benefit, it is her choice ultimately?

Personally, if I had decided not to marry my partner, for whatever reason, I certainly wouldn't agree to marry him because of his diagnosis and would feel resentful if I was being pressured to do so.

RAS

Have they both checked that the pension is transferable on death? Some only provide a continuing pension to a spouse to whom the deceased was married at the time they retired.

paddy's_mum

It might be a good idea to check whether or not he can in fact leave his pension to a widow who is not the first wife. I know of several people caught out by the small print of their pensions.

In one case, it was only payable to the wife who was the lawful spouse at the time the husband retired. First wife died and second wife had no entitlement.

In another case, there was a clause saying that the wife (first or tenth didn't matter) must not be more than 10 years younger than the husband, presumably to prevent an 85 year old chap marrying a 16 year old and the pension company having to pay out for all her lifetime. This wife was dispossessed because she was 65 and he was 78 so fell foul of that little bit of small print.

paddy's_mum

RAS wrote: »

Have they both checked that the pension is transferable on death? Some only provide a continuing pension to a spouse to whom the deceased was married at the time they retired.

Great minds think alike and only 1 minute apart :T

thorsoak

Good points about checking .....but knowing Mr X, I would think that he has already checked! They are both about the same age - I know that both their birthdays are in June - and she might just be a year older!

peachyprice

If she did agree to marry him it would only change their relationship if she let it. There's no reason why they can't carry on exactly as they are now, him in his home, her in hers, nothing has to change. No-one even has to know it has happened, just pop to the register office with a couple of witnesses, job done. Who can judge her if nobody knows?

Georgiegirl256

fairy_lights wrote: »

.
There are other things for them to consider though - if they're not married she won't be able to make next of kin type decisions for him when things start to go downhill, does she get on well with his children? Would they respect any wishes she has for his funeral etc?

Exactly this ^^^ The above is something to seriously consider also.

If the only thing stopping her getting married is worrying what other people will think, she shouldn't let that bother her, because after all, what goes on in their relationship is between them as a couple and only them, it is no one else's business. People can think what they want, they always will, but as long as they are doing what is right for them, then that is all that matters.