Another what would you do...

bylromarha

Feel frustrated for my son - woken up this morning (earlier than normal) still annoyed, so thought I'd post on here to see if I should still be annoyed!!!!

DS in yr 7 - he's our eldest, so 1st in secondary school. He's also an August lad, and lacks common sense at times, can't think through all solutions to a problem and sees things very black and white. Like most 11 year old boys I think.

His school organised a trip straight after school, going on the train to the next town to hear an author speak. The letter (which I binned after filling in the return slip back before 1/2 term) was ambiguous - the main body of the letter said the trip was £7, that they would need £1.50 - £2 for the train and the reply slip said £9. Somewhere in the letter it also said something like, if you choose to collect your child from the theatre rather than come back to school on the train, no change will be given. So we paid £9 with the reply slip as the change line implied to us that school were collecting train fares. It was something hubby and I discussed at length as it confused both of us!

Son comes home early. He didn't go on the trip. He didn't have £2 to pay for his train fare, so told the teacher that he couldn't go. We don't know what teacher said, or what son said as he can't remember, but we do know she let him walk away from the trip which he was on the list to go to, from a train station he'd never been to before. He managed to find his way back to school (which isn't hard TBF), then walk from school to the plan B bus stop he uses if he misses the school bus.

He thinks everyone else had their £2 fare, but isn't sure. The school has a lot of kids who catch the train in, so it's likely some had passes, and a large proportion of his year are siblings, so had been through this type of trip before. So it appears it was only us who found the letter ambiguous, or the other kids had spare money they could use for train fare.

My annoyance is threefold.

1) Duty of care - his name was there to go on the trip. He walked away - as a teacher, surely she should have asked why he now wasn't going on the trip (if he hadn't been clear as to why he was suddenly leaving) as his name was down to go and he had walked to the train station with their group. And should have informed somebody that he'd now left the group as we were expecting to collect him from the theatre at 6.15pm.

2) Someone in a finance office saying "oh, why has this kid given us £2 more than needed? The trip is only £7" - although in a busy office I can understand how this slipped through.

3) A unclear letter in the first place

All the teacher needed to do was ask him a couple of simple enquiring questions and the problem would have been solved - DS always carries our phone numbers with him and a simple text/call from teacher to let us know to bring £2 when we collected him and she could have subbed him. Or even "do you have no money at all on you?" would have done as the emergency £5 he carries for emergencies would have paid his train fare - he'd not processed that this could be used for his train fare as it wasn't an emergency in his head, he'd processed "I can't go on the trip as I don't have £2"

So another lesson learned for DS. Lesson learned for us to question badly worded letters. But still feel annoyed that teacher just let him walk away. And still feel that's a safeguarding issue TBH.

I've emailed the school - and been factual. Not grumpy. But this is not the first time I've had to contact the school about a young headed 11 year old being expected to solve complex problems (to him) that the school place him in and being left to sink or swim, with us going frantic at times (one incident meant he walked home for 2 hours and got in at 6.45pm, not 4.15pm.)

This change from primary to secondary is hard!!!! Any advice please to help me put it to the back of my mind and get on with the day?

FBaby

I don't think it is a safeguarding issue at this age if the school was within walking distance. At worse, he could have gone in and contact you.

Whether the letter was ambiguous is open to interpretation. From what you've written, it seemed quite clear to me, but I can imagine myself making the mistake too of giving the full amount to school as I would probably have rushed reading the letter between doing two other activities!

The outcome of sending him away: If half of the kids made the same mistake, then I can understand having no choice but to send them back (in which case they could all walk back together), but if only your son or another couple didn't have the money, I do find it sad that the teacher couldn't advance £2/£6, even if it meant making a point afterwards that it wasn't their responsibility.

I would put it behind you and laugh with your son that next time, you'll read letters more carefully. I would also convince myself that my son had probably learn more in terms of gaining independence skills having to make decisions walking back and taking the bus than he would have learnt going on the trip!

bylromarha

FBaby wrote: »

Whether the letter was ambiguous is open to interpretation. From what you've written, it seemed quite clear to me, but I can imagine myself making the mistake too of giving the full amount to school as I would probably have rushed reading the letter between doing two other activities!

Honestly, the letter had the full attention of 2 adults for at least 10 minutes as we talked about how much money they wanted. It was unclear. £7 for the trip. £1.50-£2 for the train. We cannot give change. On the reply slip "I enclose £9..."

Just to clarify - we paid the school his train fare back in October. He was expected to have the train fare in his hand on the day to pay his fare himself. (So why bother saying about change if he was paying his own fare?!)

Like I said, other kids may have gone "I have emergency money for this" and solved it there and then. He wouldn't have processed that. He also wouldn't have processed that mum and dad are expecting to collect me at 6.15pm and I need to let them know the plan has changed in case something happens to me on my revised journey home using a bus route I've never been on before.

Not sure why it isn't a safeguarding issue...the school had signed up to be responsible for him for that extra time of the day. They were not being responsible letting him walk away.

I too agree the teacher not subbing £2 is sad - but it could be she didn't even know he didn't have train fare as he may have just said "I need to go home". A couple of questions from her would have solved it and got him on the trip.

FBaby

On the reply slip "I enclose £9..."

If that is indeed what was said, than I'm totally with you. If it was £7 for the trip, you will need £1.50/£2.00 for the train as you said in your first post, then I think the message was clear.

I also agree that teacher should have asked more questions, but I imagine everything happened very quickly and they were more focused on making sure they didn't all miss the train.

Ultimately, it sounds that it comes down to whether it was acceptable to let your boy to his own devices when he was supposed to be under the responsibility of the school.

thorsoak

Always keep the original message - I know, you receive dozens of them for each child, each term - but file them and keep them to refer back if there are any problems such as you have encountered. That way you have a rock from which to argue - and if the school is at fault, then they can rectify it for the next time.

bylromarha

FBaby wrote: »

If that is indeed what was said, than I'm totally with you. If it was £7 for the trip, you will need £1.50/£2.00 for the train as you said in your first post, then I think the message was clear.

I also agree that teacher should have asked more questions, but I imagine everything happened very quickly and they were more focused on making sure they didn't all miss the train.

Ultimately, it sounds that it comes down to whether it was acceptable to let your boy to his own devices when he was supposed to be under the responsibility of the school.

It did, as we read the body of the letter like you did intially. £7 for the ticket to school, £2 train fare in hand on the day - then got to the reply slip asking for £9.

ecgirl07

Your son needs some lifeskills. Set him up with situations where he has to solve real world problems so he creates street smarts.

He had all the tools he needed to solve the problem ie £5 and a mobile phone what was he thinking that he didnt use the £5 or sub from a mate or phone you?

bylromarha

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Your son needs some lifeskills. Set him up with situations where he has to solve real world problems so he creates street smarts.

He had all the tools he needed to solve the problem ie £5 and a mobile phone what was he thinking that he didnt use the £5 or sub from a mate or phone you?

Who said he had a phone? They aren't allowed them at school.

And who said he had a mate there? He's been at the school 2 full months. No one from his primary went there and he's still getting to know the names of kids in his form! He's got a bunch of 5 kids he's hanging out with at school, but not got further than that.

I know he needs more common sense and life skills- we've been working on it since he was 2 ;-)

ecgirl07

bylromarha wrote: »

Who said he had a phone? They aren't allowed them at school.

And who said he had a mate there? He's been at the school 2 full months. No one from his primary went there and he's still getting to know the names of kids in his form! He's got a bunch of 5 kids he's hanging out with at school, but not got further than that.

I know he needs more common sense and life skills- we've been working on it since he was 2 ;-)

Sorry misread phone numbers as phone. Did he get £2 back from the school when the £9 was taken in or did the school just take £7? Asking for a sub of train fair could have been a good way to make friends?

ani*fan

Hi there

Just wanted to add what a few others have said, that the letter was not clear, that you sent £9 in good faith, and that you're annoyed your son didn't get to go on the trip and was left on his own to deal with this. I think that's all fair enough and I'm glad you let the school know you're annoyed.

There's something else though. Like you said, children moving to high school is very stressful for parents and children, I can sympathise with that. We're half way through the first school term, your son is in a new place, he has much more to manage than usual, changing classes, new children to get to know, loads of new teachers, and his teachers don't know him very well yet. It sounds as though your son is a bit more vulnerable than other boys of his age, for whatever reason, and that his school do not understand this and are therefore not taking this into account in a helpful way. They need to be better informed about your boy, his needs and abilities and stage of development.

If you haven't already, it might be worth trying to set up a dialogue with the school to explain what you have clearly stated on here, that at the moment he sees things in black and white, that problem solving is difficult, that he can learn all of these things but needs a bit more support. And in the meantime, they need to keep more of an eye on him than the others. This likely won't happen in one meeting, but if you can get hold of the head or deputy and your son's guidance teacher then maybe you can help them to understand. Try for once a term for the first year and see if they go for it. And also, if anything unusual is happening like a school trip, maybe you can have contact with the guidance teacher beforehand to make sure all situations are covered.

I hope something helpful can come of this. It's disappointing for your son but there will be other trips, loads of them, and he'll be able to enjoy those. And I have to say, I'm impressed with a boy who does manage to find his way home or back to school after being left on his own during school hours, that's a real strength.

Best of luck.

AFx

bylromarha

ani*fan wrote: »

If you haven't already, it might be worth trying to set up a dialogue with the school to explain what you have clearly stated on here, that at the moment he sees things in black and white, that problem solving is difficult, that he can learn all of these things but needs a bit more support. And in the meantime, they need to keep more of an eye on him than the others. This likely won't happen in one meeting, but if you can get hold of the head or deputy and your son's guidance teacher then maybe you can help them to understand. Try for once a term for the first year and see if they go for it. And also, if anything unusual is happening like a school trip, maybe you can have contact with the guidance teacher beforehand to make sure all situations are covered.

Already started this type of dialogue last term with his form tutor and the head of year - after he walked home having got detentions for not handing in his homework (that was sitting completed in his bag...)

ani*fan wrote: »

And I have to say, I'm impressed with a boy who does manage to find his way home or back to school after being left on his own during school hours, that's a real strength.

Thank you - we were impressed too. He's only lived in this town for 2 years and he first had bus issues on a transition day in Year 6 - he got on the wrong numbered bus and walked himself home from an hour across town. Many wrong turns turned it into a 90 minute walk, but he did it. It was at that point we realised he could sort out situations - but not find the easiest option as there were 2 other far more simple options he could have taken besides walking home!