Under pressure from my ex.

Batman_100

Hi.

I'm in a bit of an uneasy situation regarding my ex. I separated from her just over a year ago and I look after our 5 year old daughter alternative weekends and weekday evening a week.

My ex moved in with her new partner about 6 months ago and my daughter absolutely adores her new step dad, which I'm not surprised about since he spoils her rotten.

I'm still on good terms with my ex and recently she's started talking to me about my future relationship prospects. She doesn't think it's healthy for her daughter to effectively be part of a single parent family when she's with me and that I need to start dating again and think about settling down.

Our little girl lovers her new step dad so she sees the process of gaining a new step-parent as being a positive experience. But she's now starting asking me questions like 'when am I going to meet my new step mum?'. It's obvious that her mum has been talking to her about my relationship status behind my back and I think it's unfair that she's using her daughter to pressure me into starting dating again. After all, I've only recently started a new job and I'm trying to put my life back together again, and I would like to start dating eventually, but to do it in my own time and not feel under pressure.

I understand why my ex is doing this because she wants our little girls to have more stable family arangements. But she's also setting the bar very high for me as well. My daughter now has this idea in her head that her new step mum will be this wonderful person who'll treat her like a princess, when in all likelihood they're going to have to take time to bond with eachother.

Does anyone else think my ex is being unfair by talking to a five year old about these things behind my back and putting unrealistic ideas about family life into her head?

Pixie5740

Yes your ex is being unfair. It's up to you if/when you start dating again and your love life is definitely not something she should be talking to your daughter about.

jbainbridge

You're not together any more ... it's got nothing to do with her. Certainly nothing she should be discussing with your very young daughter.

Make it clear you are not happy with her behaviour ... next she'll be telling you who you can and can't date.

duchy

Frankly you ex sounds a bit dim.
She moved (your daughter) in with a bloke she barely knew after six months of separating and is clearly giving your daughter the message that her new relationship is forever - when realistically after only a year who knows if it'll last. Sounds like she grabbed the first bloke who came along.

She sounds like one of those women who thinks a woman must be in a relationship which sounds like a pretty poor role model to be exposing your daughter to ......As for telling you that you *should* be in a relationship -it's none of her business. In your shoes the next time she did it I'd laugh and tell her she's not your Mum - and when you are in a forever relationship rather than just dating your daughter will be introduced to that lady -when the time is right but for now you aren't looking for anything too serious.

Did she have control issues when you were together too ? Dictating to an ex whether they should be in a relationship or not is very odd behaviour.

tiger_eyes

I suspect she may be feeling guilty about the end of your relationship. She may want you to settle down with somebody so she can tell herself you're better off without her. It may be that she's feeling bad about being happy with the new partner while you're still single. I would guess she still has affection for you - not in the sense that she necessarily wants to get back together - but affection nonetheless.

duchy

tiger_eyes wrote: »

I suspect she may be feeling guilty about the end of your relationship. She may want you to settle down with somebody so she can tell herself you're better off without her. It may be that she's feeling bad about being happy with the new partner while you're still single. I would guess she still has affection for you - not in the sense that she necessarily wants to get back together - but affection nonetheless.

If she feels guilty that's her problem - she shouldn't be looking at the OP to solve it....or using her daughter as a pawn to control him.
Doesn't sound like affection to me but something else.

FBaby

I would be careful about assumptions you are making in terms of what is being said to your DD by her mum and becoming annoyed/resentful.

For all you know, it is all led by your DD, and your ex thought she was doing well painting a positive image of any future partner. After my ex started a serious relationship, my kids started to ask when I was going to meet someone. My daughter made me laugh when I told her I didn’t have time and she said that I needed to go to the gym to meet nice men. She was only 7. I still thought they might feel differently when it happened, but they didn’t. They were genuinely very excited to meet the man who ended up being my husband.

Many –most- nrp would be delighted to have an ex acting positive about the prospect of a new step-parent with their children, when most commonly, it goes the other way around. All you have to say to your daughter is that maybe it will happen but maybe not for some time. When it does, you can take it from there. I don’t think you can really plan how the introduction will happen as it will depend on a number of factors. I always thought it would happen very gradually for their benefit, but the reality is that it happened very quickly, but successfully for every one.

TBagpuss

As you are on reasonable terms with your ex, I'd suggest having a chat with her.

Start with the positives. tell her that you're really glad that your daughter has such a positive relationship with her step dad, and that you appreciate her also being positive about the possibility of you having a new partner. Then go on to explain that at the moment, you are not dating, and that you think that your daughter has a very positive relationship with you but seems to have got the wrog end of the stick and is assuming that she's going to get a new step-mum and also that she seems to be developing quicte specific expectations, which you don;t feel is a good idea when there is no-one on the horizon at present.

Explain to your ex that when your daughter brings it up, you'lll be telling her something such as "well, I might meet someone one day, and if I do, I'll definitely want it to be someone you like, but nothings happening at the moment" and ask mum if she can sent a similar message - it might happen, it might not, but you can trust Daddy to find someone nice if he does get a new girlfriend

Batman_100

Thanks everyone. I am going to have a chat with my ex about this so she can see things from my perspective and how it's unfair on our daughter to build her hopes up like this. I will also try and explain to my daughter that things will take time and that whilst I will be thinking of her needs when choosing a potential partner, she should be open minded about what sort of person her new step mum might be.

BigAunty

Batman_100 wrote: »

She doesn't think it's healthy for her daughter to effectively be part of a single parent family when she's with me and that I need to start dating again and think about settling down.

Er, hello - kid comes from a broken home (as it was referred to in the olden days) and has a new step-dad thrust upon her in what many would regard as on obscenely quick time and your ex is criticising you as role model?!

Push back immediately and firmly - it's none of her beeswax what your personal plans are and it's not up to her to tell you what constitutes a proper family or poison your child with her demands.

Loz01

She probably either feels guilty that you two broke up or she's trying to justify having a new boyfriend/moving in with someone after 6 months by saying you should be seeing someone new as well.