fed up of this never-ending struggle

mojo-jojo_2

Hi,
I haven't posted for a while, my hubby and I are just over 1 year into a DMP with CCCS to the tune of approx £48,000.

I have done just about everything possible to reduce our outgoings, we got rid of my beloved car :-((, changed insurers on hubby's car, I avoid clothes shops, etc.etc. My daughter's school clothes came from ebay in return for stuff I sold myself etc.etc. Some days I feel proud that I have managed to get spending down to zilch, some days (like today), I feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. A year on, we aren't in a better situation financially, I rarely work as I suffer panic attacks/depression (which I am getting treatment for), I can do occasional sessions and do them when I can. My husband is on a contract which is due to end in december (great timing eh?), and after that we don't know what he will be doing.

I just feel that this is never going to end. I can't even contemplate the repercussions if we can't meet our outgoings then.

Our nearest and dearest are aware things are tight (they don't know about our DMP or just how bad things are), and are getting used to my attempts to come up with unusual gift ideas (that don't cost any money)......they think I am a little eccentric (no, just brassic!).

I am in control of ALL of our finances now, but think my hubby doesn't realise the seriousness of the situation. I manage to shop frugally, make sure he has enough petrol money etc. so he doesn't really see much difference day to day. My daughter (11 years) thinks I am unfair because I don't buy her magazines and stuff anymore, and it breaks my heart to feel I am depriving her of things all her mates get. If only I wasn't messed up in the head and I could work more, we would be in a better situation. I feel like I am the one holding us all back.

I don't really know where I am going with this post, I just feel really down about it at the moment and don't know where to turn.

mjjj

hypno06

Oh hun, I am sending you big hugs as you sound as though you could do with them right now.

First off, sit down and talk to OH, explain to him how you are feeling and just what it is you do to make life as comfortable and easy for everyone else as possible. I have to do this with my OH otherwise he has no idea just how much hard work goes into this debt busting malarky.

At 11, your daughter is old enough to know that things are tight for a reason. You don't need to tell her the extent, if you don't want to, but to show her that everything has a true value, and that money has to be earned, but if you are not well you cannot earn etc. Perhaps you could find some on-line magazine type thing you are happy for her to read instead? Mine are 11 and 13, and do both know the full extent of our debt and the restrictions that it brings. As a result of talking about it, they don't resent it and work with me not against me.

Keep going, and do post more - the support that the guys on here give at these bleak times keeps me on the straight and narrow, and you will find it invaluable on your journey xx

p00pieb0tt0m

:grouphug: Just wanted to give you a hug.

From what I've read in your post, I think you're doing wonderfully.

LookingAhead

I know how you feel - I am at my wits end at the moment.

As hypno says - sit your little girl down and explain to her. You never know - she might like to be included by way of thinking of ideas to save money/make money!?

Wishing you all the best in getting through this tough time - you have my sympathies.

lunar

I just wanted to send you a hug, you are doing so well, to live like that for a year is amazing. Talk to your OH im sure he wouldnt want you to feel this much pressure alone, most men wont realise we arnt coping unless we sit them down and tell them.

Im sure if you explained to your daughter she would have a better understanding of the situation. and remember you are building her a more stable future by doing this now. By the time she leaves home you will be out of debt and will be in a better position to help her with whatever she chooses to do.

You are doing so well, reading posts from people like you is what is helping me to deal with my situation.

whitewing

Hello Guys,

Nobody on the DFW forum should ever feel that their struggles are a waste of time. You are such an inspiration to so many people. I haven't got any debts at the moment, but you are my favourite part of the website. I don't want to be tactless, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I am hoping to buy a house soon and, for the first time in my life to be financially "stable" or at the very least to feel in control. I've always thought of dealing with money to be incredibly boring and was brought up that it was the man's responsibilty. You guys have shown me that even when things seem impossible your achievements can be great. I am so proud of all of you DFW's, and very touched that you tell it like it is with such utter honesty. I love reading your debt diaries, I care about how you get on, and there are so many things that are possible that I wouldn't have dreamt of without you to inspire me. You are making such a difference to so many people. We all feel fed up at times, and all need hugs and to be reminded that the struggles are worth it. But never, ever give up - you really are improving so many people's lives, and you are improving your own too, even if it doesn't feel like it. (((((Hugs)))))

Elliesmum

:grouphug: Hugs from all here at EM Towers as well. I can empathise with your feelings, it must be really difficult at times for you.

But it sounds like you are going in the right direction and you are doing really well so try not to worry.

EM xx

trying-very-trying

Yeah, I know how you feel about depriving your child, I felt the same. I would definitely agree with the other posters, tell your daughter about the state of affairs. I don't know how you got into this debt, (but I know how easy it happens) but explain what happened and that you did all you could for her while you could, but now things have to change.
My 2 children still at home aged 13and17 and my other two away from home aged 26 and 19 all know about our current position. It's easier when they know that if I say they can't have whatever, it is because I can't afford it, rather than me just being stingy, or trying to stop them having fun.
The two younger ones are really into this moneysaving malarkey. The older two are always alerting me to bargains that they see, and always phone up to see if I need anything from the town before they come to visit. I always pay for any message they get me, but they realise that if I only need milk or bread for the week, they can get it cheaper in town, and it saves me petrol. The younger two won't let their dad spend 1p unnecessarily without having a go at him.
You say that you are 1year in, so you must be doing well. I'm sure that your daughter already has more stuff than she really needs, she might even be quite keen to start ebaying some of her stuff if she gets to keep the money.
You don't give your budget, but I'm sure if you were to post that up here, you would get loads of advice on ways to cut back. I didn't believe that it would be possible to live on the budget CCCS allowed me, but thanks to the wonderful people here and the old style forum, I think I will manage, and i might even be able to save a little bit.

whitewing

I agree that children can enter into the spirit of things quite readily. My son was playing a car racing game on the playstation the other day, with porsches etc and a more modest car. I overheard him say to his stepdad, 'Are you going to have a go with the MoneySaving car now?'

Floss

:wave:

I just wanted to say that if you are 12months into your DMP and your OH doesn't really feel the difference, you must be managing your budget really well!

I understand how low you sometimes feel, but maybe talking to someone may help to ease the burden a little? As the saying goes, a trouble shared etc. It probably won't benefit your finances as much as when you are able to work, but if it helps you along the path towards working more in the future, maybe it would be worth asking for counselling at your GP's? I know that when I was very down during my in-debt days, after being bullied at work (during which time my mum was having a mastectomy & radiation treatment) and subsequently signed off for 3 months, I saw a counsellor and she really helped me.

Take each day as it comes - baby steps are easier than giant strides and will get you there eventually. Remember the tortoise & the hare - I know which i'd rather be, trundling along, slowly sorting out my finances!

:wave:

skint_spice

I think you should share your feelings with your OH, maybe arrange to talk about it for an hour a week at a certain time and chill about it (as much as you can do) for the rest of the time. Some weeks you'll feel good cos things have gone well and others you can try together to find ways of paying for unbudgeted for and unexpected expenses. I agree that kids can take things on board and help out, my aim is to pay off all debt so we can move house and although my DS is only 8 he realises some things are a waste of money that he could live without (he's quite amusing on the subject of SKY).
Keep going though - you'll get there and we'll cheer you on along the way. x