worried about my sister

meritaten

I desperately need advice about how to help my younger sister. Our mum died back in July and I have felt that she is not coping well at dealing with mums death. They were very close and I understand she is grieving a lot but I find her behaviour 'freaky'.

for example: we are clearing mums stuff out of the house as my son is buying it. But she makes excuses not to go up to help me- but wont let me go on my own.
There have been bin bags of complete rubbish which have been there weeks and she says SHE will take them to the dump but hasn't. all we have done really is to pack stuff in boxes and put them in the kitchen! and she wont entertain the thought of packing away mums clothes!
When we had to clear the house of valuables because there had been an attempt to break in - she had a total meltdown and was screaming and crying that people were 'picking over mums stuff'.
the latest incident has me really worried though - I find it totally bizarre. She told me that she had put mums ashes in the car to take her down TK Maxxs' because she always took mum shopping on a Monday!
I just don't know how to help her - I have had some counselling training and met many grieving people when I worked for a charity - but never come across this before. its like she is in complete denial. any ideas anyone?

Taadaa

I don't find her behaviour freaky. Lots of people find going through personal possessions after a death hard.

I've got my darling nans' hand bag and l often joke to my husband she had a nice day out.

Maybe suggest she go to her go and ask for bereavement counselling?

Person_one

Its still early days, everybody deals with bereavement differently. None of what you've described is outside the wide definition of what is 'normal' at this point.

From your counselling training, you'll know that its not a good idea to try and counsel family members in any sort of formal way, just use the listening skills you'll have acquired and be there for her when you can.

You'll be grieving too, in your own personal way, and neither is right or wrong.

The_Last_Username

First, have a big hug! :grouphug:
This is something I have come across before, when nursing - though NOT with anyone so close.

It is a tricky situation to handle, especially with a sibling I should imagine but here we go:
As you have had some counselling training you will probably recognise the 5 stages of loss/grieving:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

It would appear that your sister is still in denial, as you correctly suggest. This isn't unusual even at this stage after your loss - we ALL cope with these stages at differing speeds.

May I suggest tactfully speaking to your sister?
(If you cannot do this, see #2 below.)
Find the "right" time and place.
Then tell her your worries - and gently ask her if she really thinks that her actions are appropriate.

This should lead to one of only two possible outcomes:
1/ Your sister knows that she is not behaving rationally (or logically) - but maybe she can't help it.
2/ Your sister thinks she is okay and nothing she has done is wrong or strange.

If 1/ - suggest counselling. If your sister accepts her "odd" behaviour, this is much more likely to be acceptable to her.

If 2/ - more-difficult to handle; I would suggest a "chat" with her GP or - if that is not possible/appropriate - a visit yourself to your sisters' Mental Health team to explain your worries.

I hope that is some help - and there is lots of help and advice online if you search for (for example) grieving process.




Just to add - how can ANYONE think that taking your mum's ashes shopping is somehow a "normal" thing to do?

London50

I agree with Person_one 'this for both of you are very early days and both of you are trying to handle it in your own ways. Your sister has not as yet fully excepted that your mum is gone and is finding any way she can to hold onto that. It will take time but she will come round in the end and IMO all you can do is be there for her, you say about your meeting with grieving people but this is not the same as it is your sisters and your grieving now that you are having to deal with not some "stranger" that has little or no connection to you.
As I say just be there for her through the tears/sadness /anger and denial and she will pull through:0)
I am sorry for your loss and I hope that things go well for both of you soon

whitewing

One of the hardest parts of grieving I find is that everybody goes through the stages at very different times. When my grandparents died, there was always one of the remaining family that made me feel inwardly worried or angry, and vice versa (different people at different times). Before I experienced it I would have thought that the grief would have pulled us together but actually it blasted things apart under the surface (although we all got over it and those feelings faded).

Family weren't necessarily the most helpful for grieving.

But there is often someone very unexpected who helps out somehow.

Be concerned for your sister and do keep an eye on her, but sometimes it is harder knowing that you have the skills and experience but you can't seem to help them effectively at that point.

Sorry I can't help you.:(

iammumtoone

I am sorry for your loss.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn but are you subconsciously trying to move things along with house quicker as you understandably want it to be ready for your son. If it was having to be sold on the open market would you be happier to be leave it a bit longer. In the same sense is your sister feeling she is being rushed into sorting it to be ready for a family member and she wants to wait so she can help more rather than having most of it done without her.

It is always difficult having to clear out a loved ones house, in a way I am fortunate the ones I have had to help with have been council houses so you have no choice, it has to be cleared quick. When a family member dies with a house that the mortgage is paid then I can see myself not feeling very motivated to get it done, especially if I had no need for the money from the sale.

I don't think it is odd taking someones ashes in the car, I actually think it is a lovey thought. I would get concerned if it was a regular thing and they went everywhere with her but as a one off I can't see the harm.

Maybe once the ashes have been scatted then she may be able to move on and start to think about the house, it is still very early days.

I wish you all the best and hope you can find a resolution that suits everyone, but know in circumstances like this it can be difficult.

meritaten

I knew I would get some good advice!
I need to reflect on some of the points raised. I don't think I am trying to get the house cleared because my son is buying it - he has to sell his house first, and it has only just come on to a very slow market here for his type of property.
its more its my personality - I like to get things done and dusted and move on. believe me, I HAVE been very patient for me! my brother is putting pressure on me to get it done because he is even more that way than me.
BUT - if she just needs more time then so be it. I can handle it even though it weighs on my mind that everything is just there, and I hate going up there. I am grieving too and knowing all my mothers stuff is still in the house bothers me.
I do recognise that until sis moves from denial to another stage then it is going to be hard for me and bro - but we are stronger emotionally than sis (who is emotionally fragile and I wouldn't hurt her for the world).
it isn't just the incidents I mentioned - there have been other things she has said and done which worry me. and which I don't want to talk about. but, so far, I think most of the posters have confirmed she needs time and gentle handling. I was really worried that I was 'enabling' her denial somehow but as nobody has said that, perhaps I shouldn't be worried.
oh, and the ashes - she asked for them off my brother last Friday - I have a funny feeling she isn't going to want to scatter them.

iammumtoone - you say there is no motivation to clear the house because of not needing money - I wonder if there isn't something to do with that with her. because she NEEDS money. mums house would sell the day it went on the market! it is such a 'sought after house' local estate agents have waiting lists for that area! but because my son is buying it - the sale is going to take longer. its convoluted thinking, but perhaps she thinks she can put it off even longer by not clearing it out? its difficult to explain without going into details of sisters personal life - but you may be onto something.

Turtle

I don't think her behaviour is odd either. I have done some things which I'm sure most people would find extremely odd and they were related to the death of a much loved pet. I also don't see not wanting to clear the house as denial, more as a coming to terms with it which are two completely different things.

Regarding your mum's ashes, my husbands dad died 7 years ago and we've still got half of his ashes, in a small urn actually in our bedroom. My husband hasn't wanted to scatter them and I have no issue with that, I don't know whether he will ever want to. Everyone deals with things differently so I would just give her time with the house, if you can.

meritaten

Yes, I realise that people deal with grief differently - but, without going into too much detail - my sister is not the most emotionally stable person and I only gave a couple of examples of her behaviour. There are many more which have worried me over the last couple of months.
I also have to take into account my brothers feelings which are more 'extreme' than mine. even I think he rushes matters and he puts pressure on me to get things 'sorted'. he would have had the house cleared before the funeral.
actually Turtle you have given me an idea - I think I will suggest to my sister she keeps half of mums ashes (she wants some made into jewellery, which totally creeps me out, although I know some people love the idea)and lets me and bro scatter the rest in mums garden which was her wish.
Sorry - but I do NOT like cremation and I wouldn't have mums ashes in my house! my bro had to come with me to pick them up and take them down his house - his wife accepted it but didn't really like them there, so when sis asked for them he just gave them to her. which I thought was a bad idea knowing my sister.
.

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

for example: we are clearing mums stuff out of the house as my son is buying it. But she makes excuses not to go up to help me- but wont let me go on my own.

How is she stopping you?

There have been bin bags of complete rubbish which have been there weeks and she says SHE will take them to the dump but hasn't.

Take them yourself.

When we had to clear the house of valuables because there had been an attempt to break in - she had a total meltdown and was screaming and crying that people were 'picking over mums stuff'.

I'm surprised that you find this odd behaviour - 'picking over someone's life' is exactly what you have to do when someone dies and it can be very distressing.

the latest incident has me really worried though - I find it totally bizarre. She told me that she had put mums ashes in the car to take her down TK Maxxs' because she always took mum shopping on a Monday!

I had Mum and Dad at home with me for a long time before everyone was able to get together to spread the ashes. It can be quite a comfort to have them near for a while.

I just don't know how to help her - I have had some counselling training and met many grieving people when I worked for a charity - but never come across this before. its like she is in complete denial. any ideas anyone?

People grieve in different ways and at different rates.

She needs to let you get on with some of the practical stuff (your way) while you need to support her while she deals her emotions.