worried about my sister

Gingernutty

Hi Meritaten, I remember some of your threads and posts about your Mum - she caused a lot of trouble in your family and that may have paved the way for this crisis.

You and your brother have your own ways of dealing with crisis and trauma without getting too 'emotional' (for want of a better term) but your sister doesn't.

She's clearly in denial, OP.

However, as you and your brother know, the world doesn't stop turning just because someone isn't ready to deal with something and her howling "me me me" meltdowns aren't going to even slow it down.

Is she living in your mother's house?

Is there anything physically stopping you from going to the house yourself?

Why is your brother not helping? It's all very well him being impatient, but if he's not going to physically help at all then he has to wait, hasn't he?

The ashes thing is creepy. You mother wanted them scattered in her back garden, your sister is on her way to building a shrine on a mantlepiece somewhere.

How house proud was your mother? Would she have left bags of rubbish around the place? Can you argue that tack?

She needs help to move on to another stage of the grieving process.

Try here http://www.cruse.org.uk/wales

bossymoo

Just let her grieve in her own way. She might think your way is freaky.

It's a very emotional time. When my husband died, his parents and I had every respect for each other's grief and did not expect each other to feel the same at the same times. It's not a competition as to who "gets over it" first. Clearing through the things of someone you love dearly is absolutely horrible. In fact, his parents couldn't help me in the end so I had to get support from my mum.

Oh, and when I brought his ashes home, I put "him" in the front seat and fastened the seatbelt round the container.

Maybe it gives her comfort to keep it close?

Georgiegirl256

So sorry to hear of your loss

I wrote out a really long post, hit send and then lost it all grrr....but the gist of it is as follows.

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, it's different for everyone. Your sisters way isn't anymore "freaky" anymore than you or your brothers is. It's just the way she's dealing with things at the moment. It's only been a couple of months, which is no time at all.

My beloved Dad passed away at the end of last year, and my Mam still can't face sorting out his clothes or his possessions (she's done a few, but not many), and I totally respect that. At the moment, I think I too would find it very hard. She finds comfort in having his things around, and right now even after 9 months, things are still quite raw and for her, getting rid of his clothes etc is just too much, and she feels like she'd be getting rid of a life and memories. Maybe that is how your sister is feeling too?

She's perhaps seeing it like everyone is trying to get rid of all the things that made up your Mums life. Once they're gone, that's a lot of memories gone, the house will no longer be your Mums house. People's possessions are very emotional things, and it sounds like at the moment she is just not strong enough to face them, and she doesn't want anyone else doing it just incase they dispose of something that she thinks is important and would like to keep.

You say you have all been patient with her, be even more patient. 2-3 months, is NO time at all.

I wish you all well.

Btw Gingernutty, I find the sentence about the "howling me me me meltdowns" to be very disrespectful. . It doesn't sound like that at all to me, just a lady struggling to deal with her mothers death and finding her own way of dealing with things. She might take longer than others in her family, but hopefully she'll get there in the end.

heartbreak_star

I think often a family death can bring up both how alike and how different the bereaved relatives are in personality.

As has been said, everyone is different. My mum and I are very practical and get-on-with-it, but my nan was always a bit of a rend-clothes-and-tear-hair person. We managed to find a middle ground when both grandad and dad died. You kind of have to muddle along.

Good luck and lots of love to you and your family Meri.

HBS x

duchy

Meri
As you've had bereavement training presumably you have the contacts so would it be helpful for you to run your feelings and thoughts past another counselor as you are too close to the situation yourself for your own training to be helpful ? Maybe even tell your sister you are doing it and suggest that when she is ready it might be something that is helpful for her too ?

I too think time is the key however I'd just take genuine and agreed by all that it really is rubbish -down to the tip when your sister isn't around.

gettingtheresometime

I know my aunt kept my uncles clothes and they were only got rid of when she went into a nursing home - and that was by my cousin.

The other thing that occurs to me is that whereas I would remember why mum got a particular ornament (very few weren't presents iyswim) my sister wouldn't and for me to dispose of something I'm guessing would be harder for me than my sister - would this be a similar reason Meritaten

meritaten

Thank you all so much! talked to my DD and mentioned the views on this thread. every one of you has said something which helps. I haven't taken offence at any as I DO realise people only get my view and I haven't given the full story.

talked to brother too and we both realise that sis NEEDS more time and support. which she will get. There is no rush to clear the house and if she wants to take time over it........she can.
we both feel that despite us feeling 'get it done and dusted', it doesn't really affect us as we don't live there. (neither does sis - but she has spent more time there than we have as her and mum either met or phoned every day).
Sis also took mum shopping a lot (their hobby) so mums possessions have more memories involved for sis.
Sis wants to be involved in clearing the house and I think she is afraid that I would dispose of stuff she has memories of. I can understand that, so its going to be done at her pace. Bless her, she phoned me today to say she felt ready to clear out one of the spare rooms (my bros old bedroom) - which I feel is PROGRESS! she also didn't mention that the bags of rubbish had gone...........sent OH on a dump run and told him to take them. she also said that when that was done she was happy for the rest of the family to come up and take 'keepsakes' or items they wanted!!!!!!!! but that's today, and on past form she may change her mind, I hope not because I found her phone call very encouraging.

meritaten

Elsewhere wrote: »

I think you are rushing her far too much.

My mother died back in the 70s - I still have a couple of bits of her clothing and a few other items like birthday cards from her. My aunt lived with us after my father died - she was a second mother to me - she died in 1994 and only gradually could I feel happy about clearing her things - I still have the outfit she wore to our wedding. I put her ashes in a big pot in the garden and planted her favourite rose in it - it was lovely to know she was still with the us. (the rose was a variety called "Peace" - appropriate!) It has a beautiful scent.



I find the thought of your sister taking her mum's ashes to the shops really sweet and probably a piece of jewellery with the ash would be a comfort to her.

Elsewhere - you have just reminded me that mums favourite rose was 'Peace'. Dad always cut her the first bud from it. Sadly the bush died the year dad did, and I think it would be a nice idea if we planted a replacement to scatter mums ashes around. I know exactly where the original bush lived and as the acer tree which replaced it has been removed I think it would be ok to plant another rose. THANK YOU!

FreeBear

meritaten wrote: »

Sis wants to be involved in clearing the house and I think she is afraid that I would dispose of stuff she has memories of.

It has been nearly six months since I buried my mum, and it is difficult going through a lifetime of stuff and clearing it out. Made a start, but really want my Sis to come over and help. It gives her a chance to pick out the bits she wants and I can use her car to take the rest down to the council tip or charity shops.

It isn't easy coming to terms with the loss of a loved one, and I'm still struggling at times.

meritaten

yes, I am struggling too - my relationship with my mother hasn't always been the best, and I have regrets and also feel some anger towards her. I can deal with that, my main concern is to the 'living' and right now its my sister. I know she is devastated, I know she is lost and in a world of pain and this hurts me. she is my 'baby sister' and I have always looked out for her. I just want to help her, so the advice on here has been invaluable as its difficult sometimes to get past what 'I need'.
from what posters have said its reinforced that I need to realise that people grieve in different ways. and there is NO fixed 'timetable'. OK I find some things 'freaky' - I have to use my judgement when it becomes TOO extreme. I may need to step back and view it objectively. and perhaps talk to 'experts'.
I don't have specialist bereavement counselling training - only general counselling. but I do know people who do, so if I get really concerned I do know who to call on.