worried about my sister

Person_one

meritaten wrote: »

Sorry - but I do NOT like cremation and I wouldn't have mums ashes in my house!

To your sister, that may well seem just as odd as her behaviour seems to you, its just another example of how everybody is different when it comes to these matters.

We can't really comment on behaviours that we haven't witnessed and that you haven't described to us, though I understand why you might not want to. Bottom line is that this difficult time just has to be 'got through', its never going to be a walk in the park. All you can do is be supportive, try to be as understanding as you can of each other's differences and be ready to offer more help if its ever asked for. Unless you're worried your sister will hurt herself, what more can you do?

gettingtheresometime

meritaten wrote: »

actually Turtle you have given me an idea - I think I will suggest to my sister she keeps half of mums ashes (she wants some made into jewellery, which totally creeps me out, although I know some people love the idea)and lets me and bro scatter the rest in mums garden which was her wish.

I was going to suggest this actually as I've heard of pseudo diamonds being made from loved ones ashes.

The only down side to this is that if she loses that piece of jewellery then it might be like losing your mum all over again.

meritaten

gettingtheresometime- three days after the service the crematorium sent me leaflets about making mums ashes into jewellery along with leaflets about THIER products. it totally freaked me out - I posted about it I was so upset. but I kept the info because I knew my sis would probably want it. and she did. I think its a rip off because even sterling silver rings start at £500!
I DO understand that other people feel differently to me - cremation creeps me out - keeping peoples ashes creeps me and bro out. and my mum wants her ashes scattered in HER garden.
Sis feels differently and that's fine! but, my brother and I have to grieve too and if this keeps up she is holding us back I think.
I need to find a way to help my brother and myself and most importantly our sister. and this thread is helping because its giving me lots of viewpoints.

melanzana

My condolences, it is not an easy time, and above all it is VERY recent.

Having been through similar, I know.

Let her do what she wants to do, don't push. It is not the end of the world to take time to do the clear out. And that in itself is traumatic. Time, time. Easy does it.

Could I maybe say something that might come across as insensitive though?

You say your son is buying the house, is there any pressure there to do the clear out quickly so he can complete the transaction? I am sorry if that offends, but it might be a reason.

gettingtheresometime

melanzana wrote: »

You say your son is buying the house, is there any pressure there to do the clear out quickly so he can complete the transaction? I am sorry if that offends, but it might be a reason.

I think the son has to sell his house first though the sister may perceive that she's being pushed to clear the house out because he may want to decorate / do alterations before he moves in

mgdavid

melanzana wrote: »

.........
Could I maybe say something that might come across as insensitive though?
You say your son is buying the house, is there any pressure there to do the clear out quickly so he can complete the transaction? I am sorry if that offends, but it might be a reason.

already answered back in post #8

pebbles88

Ashes to glass are a company that make jewellery from ashes. Prices start a lot less that £500 for a ring. They have a page on face book.

I don't think either of you is right/wrong, grief is a personal thing. I have both my mums & dads ashes still, mum kept dads, & I kept mum, I'd like to combine them into some jewellery. But that's my choice, & I can appreciate some people would freak over that.

I hope you all mange to come to agreement & grieve for your mum, it's still such early days from losing her, it won't hurt to just give it time. I'm so sorry for your loss. Xx

Xx

Kynthia

I can't imagine what you are all going through as losing a parent must be so much harder than the loss I've experienced. However i know my aunts and uncles had a few blowouts after my nan died. There was some fallout over a ring and who should have been executor, and some nasty things said. Grief and hurt can cause people to lash out and feel that no one else feels like them. I know you say you haven't posted everything but I don't think the things you have said regarding your sister's actions are too strange given the circumstances. Most people find sorting through their loved ones possessions upsetting and can get very distressed over the distribution of valuables, even lashing out when they don't really mean it but are hurting. Your sister may be lazy about taking rubbish away or perhaps she even finds clearing out the non-valuables that belonged to your mum upsetting and perhaps she worries about you getting upset if you go to your mum's house alone. The thing is to give everyone space and time, but if decisions need to be made and actions taken then try to go somewhere comfortable to calmly discuss it to allow time to process the options.

Some people may find comfort taking their loved one's ashes to places of joint meaning. I imagine it's a similar comfort to spreading their ashes somewhere that had meaning.

duchy

I remember from my travel agent days a Saga rep telling me how many ladies had their husband's ashes in their handbags when they went on holiday. It really isn't that odd. No odder than having ashes on the mantlepiece when you think about it.

Elsewhere

I think you are rushing her far too much.

My mother died back in the 70s - I still have a couple of bits of her clothing and a few other items like birthday cards from her. My aunt lived with us after my father died - she was a second mother to me - she died in 1994 and only gradually could I feel happy about clearing her things - I still have the outfit she wore to our wedding. I put her ashes in a big pot in the garden and planted her favourite rose in it - it was lovely to know she was still with the us. (the rose was a variety called "Peace" - appropriate!) It has a beautiful scent.



I find the thought of your sister taking her mum's ashes to the shops really sweet and probably a piece of jewellery with the ash would be a comfort to her.