My Partner and I Have Nothing in Common. Is This A Problem??

Person_one

'Nothing in common' isn't the real issue, I think that's just what he's using to broach the fact that he doesn't feel the same as he used to and quite possibly wants out of the relationship. Sorry.

Loads of couples are very much in love and get on well for decades without having any hobbies or shared passions. He might be into music, she loves knitting. He's addicted to Xbox, she prefers yoga. He's a rugby fan, she's a Harry Potter cosplayer. None of that really matters if a couple share roughly the same sense of humour and general attitude/approach to life.

You might benefit from some counselling together from Relate. You were very young when you got together, and with a four year age gap too which must have been more of an issue when you were a teenager and you've had some troubles with family too.

Would he consider that do you think? What was his response to your hurt feelings and your upset about what he'd told you? Was he concerned for you? Was he sorry to have caused you that distress?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You're both in the house all the time?

Sounds boring for two people so young. At 23 and 27, yes, you do have a child, but do you really see being indoors and not having anything new to say to each other as something you're happy to do for the next fifty years?

There's no reason why he can't be in a band now - it'll be good for him to go out for rehearsals and gigs and get off the internet (presumably working from home with movies and music means he's sat there passively and not seeing or interacting with real people very often). At the same time, it's not good for you to be indoors all day and evening without seeing friends/going out/going to the gym/doing sports, as a 4 year old, the occasional mumble from a teenager and grunt from somebody working on the laptop isn't exactly the most stimulating conversation.

If he's thinking about when your LO grows up, he's thinking about what it's going to be like to be middleaged/old - to me, that suggests he feels old already. And it's possible that you sound old to him if your only specialist subjects are Peppa Pig and how to make the perfect Victoria Sponge. Or he immerses himself in music and movies because if it's quiet, the odds are that you're buried in your books or clouds of flour, neither of which make much room for him to be involved.

He's trying to explain that he's not happy. Upsetting though that may be, at least he's trying to talk to you about his feelings.


I'm not saying either of you is in the wrong here - but it's clear that something needs to change, and I'd suggest trying to find something you used to enjoy doing together that has taken a back seat for the last five years. Maybe going out to a gig together would be a good start?

FBaby

the happiness of you and your partner is every bit as important as that of your daughter .

Totally agree, and I do think that is the essence of your problem OP. I too have learnt over the years that you can't take any relationship for granted, no matter how deep the love is. It does need fire to stay alive. Yes, you need to prioritise your children, but you also need to look after your relationship. This means making efforts to rekindle it when it starts to drift apart a bit.

What you are experiencing is common of couple who are very independent and enjoy times separately. You can't assume that you can do little together and yet still have the bond that most loving couples should have.

I think that's what your partner is trying to tell you. At the moment, he doesn't feel close to you because you are not spending enough quality time together and he seems disillusioned that you even what to. Has he suggested you too did things together and you've turned him down? It could be that he did so as a sign of him making an effort to get that bond back and you just took it as him just suggesting something out of the blue, and as it was practical, you said no, as you would have if he'd asked if you wanted a cup of tea, but for him, it was a sign of rejection.

I think you need to try to decipher the message he is trying to communicate (badly) and you need to promote time together so you can talk and hopefully he can start to explain what's on his mind and heart a bit better than he has done so far!

thorsoak

Children can go to gigs too ......I know that our first two were tiny (DS 4, DD 18months) when we went to the first Isle of Wight festival - they had enormous fun, as did we. Now my DD has just celebrated her silver wedding - and she and her OH regularly go with their now-teenagers to pop concerts etc (DGD was 8 when DD accompanied her to her first Taylor Swift concert).

Start broadening your horizons - my dear OH's motto to any suggestions always was "why not?" - made for a lively life xx

jetplane

Hi OP I believe you do have to have something in common to make a relationship work, but not necessarily hobbies. In my opinion common morals, goals and priorities are important. My husband is my opposite, hence my avatar, we are chalk and cheese but our core values are the same.

If you have been together around 8 years then you were both very young when you got together, so only had a short period of living it up before you became pregnant and things sorted themselves out.

You may well have realised the problem yourself, is he bored? You say he is a free spirit, loves music so much that he used to be in a band and he must have a creative mind if he writes stories.

And now? He is at home all day, does not socialise, his daughter doesn't need entertaining, his niece is reminding him of the life he does not have? Perhaps he has stopped to evaluate his life.

First of all you need to sit down and listen and he has to agree to talk. Its pointless second guessing or playing games and if your partner shuts down is it because you are not listening, because you don't want to hear?

You don't settle for the sake of your child, you need to find a way to move forward and if the only common ground you have is your daughter then you need to remember what brought you together and put some work into the relationship.

Long term relationships are fluid and sometimes we forget to appreciate or consider each other. Good Luck.

duchy

Do you work OP ?

I think for a young couple - which is exactly what you are - you've both got into a rut. You appear to expect to give up on life and plans in favour of parenthood- and he is saying he feels differently.

You've been together a long time - Has marriage ever come up ? You have one child - why no siblings ?

You've talked about your life but no mention of love ....or even if you still fancy your OH ! You talk of settling (but it sounds more like giving up on all ambition) because you have a child. For many people having a child is what spurs ambition - to give the child a better life or to make the child proud of their parents or to be a good role model.

I'm sure your boyfriend does see himself in your niece - that the world is her oyster and she can do anything she wants at this point - find a career, travel, stay out all night ......nothing is impossible - Yet he just ten years later sees he has gone from that to far narrower horizons- and it has made him think "Is this it?" and to be honest it's a good question.

I don't see any mention of love or appreciation or even any sort of comment like "He's a great Dad" or that you two enjoy doing anything together. What do you talk about ? Have you fallen into the trap of all conversation is about your daughter and domestic stuff and the wider world is ignored ?

If he left tomorrow -what would you miss about him?
His hugs, the fact he makes you laugh -what ?
I suspect he feels that you want to be a family but he doesn't feel very wanted as a person in his own right (not saying you do but how he may feel). You sound like you take your life for granted and assume nothing changes but relationships are like flowers they need tending and if you neglect them they wither but if you feed them they flourish.

duchy

I see you've just finished college - are your plans to work ?
Could the fact you've now finished studying have anything to do with this situation. Was he expecting you to work once you finished college ?
Does he actually live with you ? This post seems to imply it's just you and your daughter and your niece.

sophie415 wrote: »

Hello,
I have finished my course and currently receive benefits for myself and my daughter. The past couple of years things have been tight and most months I have had bank charges of one type or another which I have been happy to pay, its in the terms, they inform me, etc. However this month has been a major struggle as my teenage niece has had to come and live with me due to an abusive household and tax credits didn't complete my change of circumstances correctly, which was rectified last week

Maybe he is feeling as invisible in the relationship as he is in this post ?