My Partner and I Have Nothing in Common. Is This A Problem??

sophie415

Hello all,

I am fairly new to MSE, and have loved what I have found so far. After discovering there is a relationship/family thread I decided that maybe you lovely people would have some great advice for me on this as well as moneysaving!

My partner and I have been together for around 8 years now, and have a 4 year old daughter. When we first got together we were young and had great fun, we moved in together and went to uni and he was in a band. Basically we were living it up and having a ball.

I got pregnant (our little surprise lol) and we stuck together through a lot of family turmoil as I was 19 but things kind of sorted themselves out. We have rented a lovely house together (as we don't have the money for a deposit to buy) and we have a nice little life. Our niece recently had some major family issues (her dad, my OH's brother, is a functioning alcoholic and her mother is very heartless) and so she has moved into our spare bedroom. This has not been an issue as she is 17 and attends college and kind of lives her own life.

However recently my partner has been very moody at weekends. I thought initially it was down to boredom because now that our daughter is getting bigger she has started to play with her friends in the street and we are kind of in the house all day. But he said to me during the week that he has realised we have nothing in common except our daughter. I did have to agree, as our hobbies are different. He loves music and movies (its part of his job) and he writes his own stories. I love reading and baking. However this has pretty much always been the case and I don't really see why it's an issue, so it kind of blew over and that was that.

Then tonight my daughter is staying with my mum, so we could have a little break, and my partner said again, do you realise we have nothing in common except our daughter. I said I do realise that, but is it a big issue? He went on to state he felt it is because what will happen to us when she flies the nest. I understand this but it is not as if it is a brand new development. We kind of talked it out and he persisted that it wasn't to start a fight or upset me and I believe it wasn't but I still couldn't see what he wanted me to do? So I suggested perhaps we should try to find something to do together, like a hobby. He didn't exactly dismiss it, more implied it would just never happen.

This went on and eventually I said to him if that's really how he feels, then does he even want to be together anymore? He answered by saying he felt like we weren't even together. He said that if I told him tomorrow I wanted to break up he wouldn't be surprised and he would kind of take it in his stride, his exact works being 'OK, whatever'.

I told him this was really upsetting to me as I did want us to be together, I love him and I enjoy being with him. He said he didn't know what I wanted him to say, he was just speaking the truth, which I understand and am glad of because it is best to be open and honest. But then when I tried to broach it further he kept saying it was his problem and he would get over it and basically dismissing what I was saying.

Am I missing something here? I don't know what to say or where to go with this because I do love him, but what do I do?

Basically I am looking to see if anyone else has had a similar experience and what the outcome was? Because analysing couples I know who have stayed together, I can't see what they have in common!!

Thank you in advance and sorry for the ramblings!

gettingtheresometime

If it wasn't his blood niece then I would say something was going on between your OH and her.

thorsoak

It may be that having his 17 year old niece staying with you is bringing home to him the fact that he is no longer the young, carefree guy, but is now a family man with responsibilities etc......

You cannot bring back the past, but you can add the fun back into your lives again ....think back to the things that you used to enjoy doing ..the fact that you are now parents doesn't mean that you can't still have a ball from time to time x

Lunar_Eclipse

Could he have been unfaithful?

I think suddenly being disinterested in your partner and saying you wouldn't mind if they broke up with you means something has unsettled the relationship in his eyes.

VfM4meplse

OP, there is plenty your OH isn't telling you. Get him to spill the whole story and take it from there.

fierystormcloud

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Could he have been unfaithful?

I think suddenly being disinterested in your partner and saying you wouldn't mind if they broke up with you means something has unsettled the relationship in his eyes.

Hmmm, that entered my mind too. The way the OP's husband is acting is synonymous with having an affair.

Could just be that they settled down too young (a baby at 19!) And he is feeling tied down; especially with his teen niece coming and going as she pleases.

-taff

Sounds a bit iffy.
I realised way too late I had nothing in common with my ex and what should have been a 6 week fling turned into 10 years of something I could have done without.
No one can know whats going on his head but whatever it is, whether he likes someone else, or whether he's taking stock of his life, then you'll have to wait for him to work it out or prise it out of him somehow....

summerspring

Your daughter isn't likely to leave the nest for at least another 14 years, lol, so scrub that idea for starters. He's making excuses for some reason or other.

FBaby

It sounds like he is hedging a very early mid life crisis. Now that your daughter is older and his attention has slightly moved away from her and back to your relationship he is disappointed that it had not gone back to where it was before your DD was born.

Maybe he does have slight a point. Didn't you do anything together before she was born, shared interests, plans, friends? Maybe you could look at rekindling those moments. You don't hedge to share everything but it is important to have common grounds and some quality times together.

mum2one

has this kicked off since his niece moved in?
I'm guesing your both around 25 mark.... maybe having his niece with her freedom makes him feel as thou he has missed out, (not saying that his has), the saying goes " the grass isnt always greener on the other side".

I really think he is hiding something and by turning the spotlight onto you, he is covering his rear...
x

sophie415

Thank you all for replying it really is appreciated. FYI it is his blood niece! As for an affair, I am doubtful as he works from home most of the time and never really goes away on his own.

I don't know if he feels tied down, that he has settled to early. In saying that I was 19 but he was 23 so not quite so young, but he has always been a bit of a free spirit. But what can I do? When you have a family you settle for the sake of your child. Maybe he will snap out of it but I doesn't help when he shuts down and won't discuss it any further!

Thank you all again for being so supportive!