My Partner and I Have Nothing in Common. Is This A Problem??

summerspring

mum2one wrote: »

I really think he is hiding something and by turning the spotlight onto you, he is covering his rear...
x

Could be, or it could just be laziness. Plant an idea into the other person's head that the relationship isn't quite right and hope they agree. Which in this case they don't!

balletshoes

thorsoak wrote: »

It may be that having his 17 year old niece staying with you is bringing home to him the fact that he is no longer the young, carefree guy, but is now a family man with responsibilities etc......

You cannot bring back the past, but you can add the fun back into your lives again ....think back to the things that you used to enjoy doing ..the fact that you are now parents doesn't mean that you can't still have a ball from time to time x

yes, thats what I thought initially.
Its hard work having a toddler, being parents can take over, but that doesn't mean you can't be a couple too.

On the face of it, my husband and I have nothing in common, except a similar sense of humour. But what we've built over the years together is a good solid working partnership, where we can both follow our individual interests but still spend some quality time together. I guess I'm saying you don't need to have similar interests in common, the most important thing to have in common is respect for each other and each other's feelings.

Your husband may just be taking stock OP, realising one phase of his life has moved on into another one, maybe he's just pondering that.

eta - 23 is still young to be a parent, so he's 27 now? loads of young adults are still being very young free and single at his (and your) age. Are a lot of his good friends still single/have no kids yet? That could be a factor too, in how he's feeling about where he is in life.

sophie415

mum2one wrote: »

has this kicked off since his niece moved in?
I'm guesing your both around 25 mark.... maybe having his niece with her freedom makes him feel as thou he has missed out, (not saying that his has), the saying goes " the grass isnt always greener on the other side".

I really think he is hiding something and by turning the spotlight onto you, he is covering his rear...
x

This is a VERY good point! Thank you! It kind of has kicked off since his niece moved in and our daughter started going out to play with friends.
I am more than happy to settle into the way things are, as a parent you take a backseat to your child's happiness, but maybe he isn't?
Thank you!! x

raven83

I think if I was the OP, I would be asking if he still loved me, as my feeling on it that this a roundabout way of trying to say it, but that's just me.

thorsoak

sophie415 wrote: »

This is a VERY good point! Thank you! It kind of has kicked off since his niece moved in and our daughter started going out to play with friends.
I am more than happy to settle into the way things are, as a parent you take a backseat to your child's happiness, but maybe he isn't?
Thank you!! x

No, no no! And I'm speaking from the experience of four children and now umpteen grandchildren - the happiness of you and your partner is every bit as important as that of your daughter ...let's face it, if you aren't happy, how can be sure that your daughter is happy? This is the 21st century, you have a life of your own to live, as well as your partner having his life, and your daughter hers ....but they can run concurrently. You cannot live through your daughter - she will grow up ....a long way ahead now - but you were only 19 when she was born so that's only 15 years ahead ...the age you were when you first started going out? Think about it!

coolcait

balletshoes wrote: »

....

On the face of it, my husband and I have nothing in common, except a similar sense of humour. But what we've built over the years together is a good solid working partnership, where we can both follow our individual interests but still spend some quality time together. I guess I'm saying you don't need to have similar interests in common, the most important thing to have in common is respect for each other and each other's feelings.

....

This is also my take on the 'nothing in common' issue - thank you balletshoes, for summing it up so beautifully!

GaleSF63

On the assumption there is nothing going on and he is just being honest (if a bit blunt) could he be a bit depressed?

You say that he works mostly from home - when does he see people? Does he go out with male friends - pub, football, to see a band etc. Do you go out together? You said your daughter is at your mother's to give you a break but it sounds as if you've stayed in?

Do you go out with friends?

Have you both just stopped doing things because it's easier than making an effort once you get into a certain mindset?

Now niece has come along and reminded you (both) that life used to be a bit more exciting. How about niece does a bit of babysitting and you and your partner go out on the town?

I think you only start worrying about not having anything in common when you get in a rut or haven't enough to do - mentally or physically.

I don't think I had much in common with my husband but it never seemed to be a problem.

74jax

I'm not sure the not having any in common is the problem? Me and hubby have zero in common, we holiday separately, but do also have a holiday and weekend away together. We have no hobbies in common at all.

Yet we both love the pants off each over (ooo-er).

Not having having anything in common doesn't have to be an issue as long as you are interested in each other.

Are you intimate still? Do you live like a couple or like lodgers?

Incidentally my happiness and that of my DD is equal to my happiness with hubby, not put before it.

Anatidaephobia

GaleSF63 wrote: »

On the assumption there is nothing going on and he is just being honest (if a bit blunt) could he be a bit depressed?

You say that he works mostly from home - when does he see people? Does he go out with male friends - pub, football, to see a band etc. Do you go out together? You said your daughter is at your mother's to give you a break but it sounds as if you've stayed in?

I thought this as well. If he's working at home (presumably alone?) and feels disconnected from you then I can see how he could get lonely and start to feel a bit fed up. Do you spend much time together?

I wouldn't actually say that it sounds like you have nothing in common... you like reading, he likes watching movies, so you have similar interests, you just tend to enjoy them in different ways. Are there other things you could do together, like go for a walk in the evening? Might be good to get him out of the house if he mainly spends his time there.

System

When you first got together, what would you say you both had in common then? Are there activities you did together before but haven't done since your daughter was born? I understand you wanting to put your daughter first, but you have to put your partner (and yourself) first in a way as well. You're not just parents, you're partners as well and you can't lose sight of that.

It could well be that's he's have a small life crisis, especially if he has friends the same age who don;t have the same responsibilities, and having his niece stay may have caused those feelings to resurface, or perhaps he's worried you've rushed into things.

I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so wouldn't want to say he's having an affair, but with technology now he wouldn't need to leave the house to meet people there are many websites that make it possible, and his behaviour does raise some red flags but i'd hope its not the case.